Project Love Myself- Day 8

its been a rough couple days. i just haven't been feeling well- physically and mentally. i feel fat, gross, etc. and it is bringing me down...and i hate this. it needs to change...

Day 8: Try to feel as good as possible today and not be brought down...

Project love myself- day 7

I took a few days off, to just enjoy the holidays. I had an endoscopy procedure done on the 23rd , which came out good. They gave me some new meds and are gonna run some more tests. Day 6 was as successful as it could be. It was a hard goal and a hard thing for me to handle and deal with. I think I did an alright job. I probably could have done better, but that's fine. I will do better next time.

Day 7- stick up for myself

I tend to back down easily when people say something I don't like or rude, or what not. I hate that about myself. I want to stand up for myself and make my voice heard.

Project love Myself- day 6

Yesterday's goal was to feel beautiful and own it. I am very pleased to say that I think it has been my most successful day yet. I felt amazing all day and felt truly beautiful. It was a wonderful feeling and I can't wait to have more days like that.

Day 6: think about and touch my stomach in a positive way at least three times.

Project Love Myself - Day 5

Day 4 was pretty good. I actually had one of the best nights with Camerin. We just hung out and watched a movie in bed. I was fully present the whole time and it was amazing.

Today I forgot to blog my day 5 goal.

Day 5: Enjoy feeling beautiful and confident. Own it. Truly believe it.

Project Love Myself- Day 4

So I took a day off... Day 3 was fairly successful. Me and Camerin went to a football game- so I was distracted. I also ate super badly and am still paying for it 2 days later. But we had fun. And that was the thing that mattered most.

Day 4: Be fully present- don't focus on the past or future- just the present.

Project Love Myself- Day 3

Thinking of these is proving to be harder then I thought, but that's ok... Some of them will probably need to be done a couple times before it fully sinks in. This is one of them...

Day 3: Only talk about and touch my stomach in a positive way.

Day 2

I think it's been a success, I made Christmas cookies with my mom, my aunt and my friend- and I ate some and didn't feel bad- at least so far I haven't. We had appetizers too- all was fine... So far I am proud....

Project Love Myself- day 2

Day 1 went pretty well. It was a smaller thing for me to not wear my full makeup, but it was important still. I don't think I ever felt fully "pretty" but I felt cute still and I felt confident. So I am marking that as a success. I have been having trouble figuring out what to do for Day 2, all I can think of are the big things I don't like- but I am not ready for those yet. So I have settled on something smaller- but something that still bothers me...

Day 2: Enjoying the food I eat and not beating myself up about it.

Honestly- this one is actually not small and is gonna be tougher then it seems....

Project Love Myself

I am gonna try something new. Everyday for one month I am gonna pick something I don't like about myself and try to change it... Challenge myself to find the beauty and the positive in that one thing. It may be small things or big things. It may be stupid or not seem like a big deal to anyone else- but to me they will be huge things. All of this will be in an effort to help me love myself for exactly who I am...

Day One- Love myself and feel pretty with almost no makeup on.

Change of pace

I haven't written in awhile... Haven't really had much to say or my thoughts in order enough to put them down on here.

One thing I have realized is that I am looking at all of this the wrong way- or too negatively. The whole point has always been to get better and to get to a place of love and acceptance with myself and my body. I am going to make more of an effort on that part now. I think I could be a lot happier and satisfied if I focused on the positives and what not...

That is a new goal. Think and write about positive things- make a change

Back to old habits

I can feel it. Me comforting myself with eating. It's becoming my excuse again. I don't need to feel vulnerable- because I am fat again- or feel fat. I don't need to be sexy or dress up or anything- because I am not those things- I can just eat instead. It will make me feel better... It is there for me... I don't need to try. I don't feel sexy- so I might as well just eat- and make it feel even worse- while I think it feels better.

I think I am in control- but really I am not... I am losing control more and more... Gotta stop the old habits- now....

Trying

To balance my stress, trying to think positive everyday, and trying to focus on the things I enjoy in life. Trying.

Breathe

So dumb

What a night.... Most of it was fun, but I drank too much... Which in turn usually means I eat too much too... Went to bed feeling really guilty. My emotions were ridiculous too... Basically a mess....

I try so hard, everyday. I try to just be normal. Do what normal people without all these bullshit issues would do. Eat dinner with the family, have beers and eat some snacks- and not have these things alter your entire world... Go out to lunch with friends and eat what you want to eat, and not feel like shit about it later. But that's just not my reality.

I really thought I was getting better... But right now, I feel worse. All I think about it food and my body. It's draining. My insecurities are at an all time high right now... I seriously can't think of really anything i feel good about right now... How sad.

annoyed

i didn't reach my goal- in the slightest. i know i haven't lost any weight, and it is frustrating me so much. i know i have eaten bad, and eaten when i haven't wanted to and i know i have over ate at times too.

Binging is one of the weirdest feelings ever. while i am doing it, i know exactly what i am doing- but i can't stop it. no matter how much i want too. i feel completely out of control in those moments. but there is a comfort in it. because when i am done, i can be mad at myself about it, and be completely justified. i then have a reason to be mad and upset with myself.

I am weak. that is the simplest way to describe it. and it is completely true. if i wasn't weak- i would have lost the weight. if i had lost the weight- i would be happy. if i was happy- camerin would want me more.

my insecurities are running rampant and tearing me apart right now. i can't remember the last time i felt beautiful, cute, sexy, or even just content. i would settle for content right now. anything would be better then this.

Pretending

I think I am doing a pretty good job of pretending lately. But it's getting old. I can't keep pretending to be ok... When inside I am not really alright... And all I want to do is not eat and to feel sone control again. My anxiety is terrible... I couldn't even be in the bathroom showering without Camerin being in there to talk to me and keep me calm... So sad....

A little better...

Things are a little better.... Maybe. I don't really know I guess. My thoughts are still focused on being skinnier, but I have been eating 3 times a day... So I guess that is good.

I have also been doing yoga with cam the past couple nights.... We skipped a day, but I am going to do it tonight. It seems to be helping make me feel better- so that's good :)

I am still trying to lose weight- but I guess just trying to be healthier about it.... I guess that's progress.. :)

Good morning

I feel a little better this morning. Me and Camerin did yoga last night, which made me feel pretty good. I still feel fat, but I feel like at least I am doing something about it.

Cam said he would like to keep doing yoga with me, so that will definitely help.

I am at the lab right now, waiting to get my blood drawn. And tested... Super exciting. I had an appointment at a gastroenterologist last Thursday, and he ordered some blood work.... And then we will do an endoscopy. I am nervous for when that happens- but excited too- it will be nice to finally know what's wrong.

inspiration

This is me and my husband last year on halloween.... i was without a doubt my skinniest here... this is my inspiration- i want to be here again. by the end of the month... i know i can do it... i have to.

A new plan

I weighed myself today... And I was disappointed... Not that I am surprised, at all. I need to do better an I promise myself I will.

I want to lose 10 pounds. Just 10, that's not too much and I don't think that is ridiculous.

I know I can do it. And I am fairly confident I can do it without getting carried away. I hope I can do it.

To be honest, I don't care if I do get carried away a little bit... I need to make myself happy... And thats what I plan on doing. I know I would e happier 10 pounds lighter.

makes me sad

i just read an article about this woman- who is now the guinness book of world records, heaviest woman. What made me sad- wasn't the article, or that this woman weighs 700 pounds, even though thats sad too. What was sadder to me was all the comments that were left on the article. Talking about how disgusting she is, and how she just needs to eat better- and that yeah sure its hard to lose weight, but its not that hard. everything so negative. yes being that size is very unhealthy for her- but there is a reason she got to the size, and it didn't happen overnight. and no, it will not be easy for her to lose weight- not at all. it just makes me sad that lack of understanding people have. and how everyone seems to just have an easy fix for everything- when in reality nothing is easy like they think it is. i hate the way the world sees overweight people- it makes me sad, and makes me want to cry. if only they could understand that it is so much more then eating the "wrong" things and eating "too much"....

feeling exhausted

therapy was beyond draining today... i feel like taking a nap... or getting drunk, or something. just checking out for a little bit. yesterday was tiring too.

feeling like crap all day really drains you. but talking about it and why you feel that way- is even more draining. i have so much self hatred- it is disgusting. it makes me sad how much i bully myself. i am so hard on myself- and i don't know how to change it. i don't know how to stop. its this vicious cycle.

one day i will understand it all. but right now- i don't. it doesn't ever make full sense to me. i hate myself for gaining weight(even though i don't really know i did) so i don't eat the whole day- which makes me feel worse. then i decide to eat. and then i don't want to stop eating.... because it makes me feel worse- its like i enjoy making myself feel worse. because i feel like that is what i deserve. i deserve to feel like crap. :(

disappointed

i have been doing so good... at least i thought so. i have been feeling good about my food choices, and actually feeling good about myself... but this morning- was a major set back.

I was getting dressed, and i grabbed a pair of my jeans- that i haven't worn since the spring, and they didn't fit. they were too tight. i had muffin tops all over the place, and just looked disgusting. i was angry. according to the scale at my moms house- i have supposedly lost weight- that is obviously not true. if i had lost weight- my pants would fit.

i already didn't want to eat- but now i really don't want to eat. ever. i am over it. i have been trying so hard to be good- and to eat- and be healthy and what not- and all it is doing is exactly what i was afraid it would do. make me gain weight. i am obviously not doing something right. i don't drink soda, i don't eat fast food. 9 times out of 10 i pick a healthier option for meals. i eat a few times a day- small portions. and i work out a little bit 5 times a week. where is the problem? which one is not working? the only thing i can think of is eating. i just need to cut back even more then... and up my exercise.

i haven't been this disappointed in myself in a long time.

thursday

another day. 

i am trying to stop myself from eating at night. i seem to always binge a little bit right before going to bed- this leads to lots of mornings with really bad stomach aches. i can't figure out why, because as i am eating i know exactly what i am doing. its a stupid cycle- so dumb

i haven't been eating a lot. and most of that is due to the fact that almost everything makes me feel sick. either physically or mentally. today i have had yogurt, and celery. real healthy i know...

wednesday

yesterday i had therapy. it went well. we talked a lot about my feelings when i eat... and also the physical side of my stomach, and how much of an effect that is having on me.

It is ridiculously hard to become mentally ok with eating- when 90% of the things i eat make my stomach hurt. it is clear that there is a physical problem as well as a mental one. my therapist told me to be more assertive with my doctor, when asking for more tests to be done, and what not. i have gotten a referral now to go to a specialist. that makes me very happy. maybe finally- after all these years of stomach aches we can figure out how to fix it.

It was also nice to hear my therapist say that she doesn't worry about me. that she doesn't think my eating habits are harming me or doing damage to my body. i was very thankful for that.

i really feel like once the physical problems with eating are figured out- that the mental and emotional stuff will be a lot easier to deal with. i feel ready to fully deal with it- and fully heal. i want to be better more than i can explain. and not just for everyone else- but for myself too (huge step).

stupid stupid stupid

i am feeling insecure right now. my stomach had hurt pretty much constantly for the past few days...

Last night, i wanted camerin to touch me, i wanted so bad to feel his hands on me. but then when he was touching me, all i could think about was how i hoped he couldn't feel how fat i have gotten, and i kept thinking about sucking my stomach in- to make sure it didn't stick out. he deserves a hot sexy wife- and i am non of those things. i couldn't even enjoy being in his arms, because of the thoughts in my mind. the only time i understand him touching me, or wanting to- is if it is going to lead to sex, or something sexual. thats the only time it makes sense to me. like i can understand why he would want to touch me if that was what he was trying to get. but i don't understand why he would want to touch me, just to touch me.

When i was overweight- the only time i got attention from guys- was when it was going to be something sexual. the only things that were "good" on my body were my boobs and my ass. that was all that ever got talked about. i don't feel sexy or confident in myself, unless someone is trying to get in my pants. so if camerin isn't trying to do that, then i don't feel sexy. and then i wonder- "why isn't he trying to?" and it all spirals from there. why doesn't my husband want to have sex with me? am i not pretty to him? Does he not find me sexually attractive? would he rather be with someone else? is he with someone else? its this vicious cycle- that i can't seem to stop. i am usually the more dominant one... which is fine for me, except now all i want is to be submissive... well not really. i just want to be desired- and thats not how i am feeling. but i can't blame camerin- its not his job to fix me. i just want to be per-sued by him right now... i want it to be his idea- i want to feel sexy...

This is stupid. i put way too much thought into all this. and all it ends up doing is making everything that much harder. puts too much pressure, makes it so much more complicated. trying to make things better- all i end up doing is making things a lot worse... why?

Eating is ok i guess- but not better. just ok. i ate bad this weekend- and felt awful about it- in fact i still do. i don't feel like eating anything- for awhile.

return to normalcy.... please...

i had thought things were getting easier... and i guess in some ways they are... the eating has been a little easier, but the stomach pains are still there, and the brain is still thinking terrible thoughts about myself.

sleep is still not happening. and now i am starting to actually feel depressed.

i just feel sad. most of the time.

i miss Camerin....

i want things to be normal. i am fighting everyday to just feel normal- for things to just be how they always were, and always are. i just want to come home and have it be how it was a month ago... before i got super stressed.. and everything felt so chaotic.... please. i don't know how much more i can do... i feel like i am doing everything to help make that happen....

i am my hair....

been a better few days then normal. which is beyond nice. a welcome break. still have crappy thoughts, but eating has been easier then usual. and i am super thankful for that.

I am still not sleeping- which is the most annoying thing ever right now. i wake up everyday feeling just as exhausted as i did when i went to bed. it takes everything i have to pull myself out of bed and make it through the day. i have zero motivation throughout the day, and no energy to do anything.

one good thing coming out of all of this is that i am learning more about myself. and who i am and what not. i am starting to feel inspired to paint, draw and create- which usually happens for me when everything is a mess!

i want to create. and i want to feel completely free... and comfortable in my own skin. i am working on it. i will get there.

yay for a good few days.

sleepless nights

i can't remember the last night that i actually slept- like the whole night through. I can't remember the last time i woke up feeling rested. it's been a least a month of not sleeping. and everyday i feel more and more exhausted. i want to take a nap- for like 3 days.

eating has been ok this week. except for last night. i binged last night. ate a giant bowl of cereal, then ate a bunch of chips. 10 minutes later- it was coming back up. I didn't force myself to throw up or anything- my acid reflux did. eating too fast always does that to me. needless to say i felt like crap the rest of the night.

the sick part is that when i was eating the chips- i was full, and i knew i was full, but i just didn't seem to care. i kept telling myself to stop, but i didn't. even worse- i just bought a bunch of fruits and vegetables- so that i would snack healthier- and of course instead of doing that i went for the last of the chips we had. i guess in a way its good- because now they are gone- so i can't eat them anymore.

i have been eating pretty good all week. i have had a salad everyday for lunch- and have made healthy dinners at home for me and cam. hopefully it is working. i know if i talked to anyone they would say i didn't need to lose weight- but i want to lose like 10-15 pounds. shouldn't be hard- i have lost a lot more before- this should be nothing. i won't really know if i have lost weight or not- i don't have a scale. and i don't want one. i mean i do- but i don't at the same time. i know that it wouldn't be healthy for me to have one. the only way i will know- is by the way my clothes fit and feel.

Cam is joining me in trying to lose weight, which helps a lot. it makes me feel more secure that i won't get carried away. and it makes me feel like i am helping him to do something he wants to do. i might get carried away- and take it too far... but i am feeling confident that i won't. i am still eating, multiple times a day- in fact more times then i had been before. i am just only eating when i am hungry, and i am making better choices.

i feel good right now-in regards to eating. i feel in control- of something. and thats nice.

i had nightmares last night- and have been a lot lately. i don't remember them really- but i remember waking up. and i remember feeling panicky. i hope they stop soon.

trying

trying to get better. to see things better. to understand. i want to see myself the way camerin sees me, the way my mom sees me, etc. i am actively trying- but its hard. i am not feeling so good today.

i have a physical stomach ache- which is just making me think about my stomach constantly- which makes everything worse. all i can think about it my stomach- how it looks, how it feels, etc.

i don't want to eat anything today. nothing. i already ate yogurt, and now my stomach hurts more then it did before. i know i will eat- but i don't want to.

Another day

So it's another day and I am hanging out with my family and all I can think about is how fat I feel and how I don't want to eat anything, even though I haven't eaten anything yet today, and I probably should eat.

I want so badly to just feel normal and not have these thoughts anymore. I want to be able to just eat with my family and not think about it. I want to not feel gross about it all the time. I wish it would just be easy.

I long for the day when every single day isn't a battle. I wish it was easier to explain to people. No one understands this battle and how serious it really is. You tell people you have eating issues and it seems like nothing big and like it should just be easy. But it just isn't simple like that. And no matter how much I try, my thoughts just don't change... Maybe a little but not a lot. And its all still there always.

I will be fighting this forever and that's probably the worst part, always knowing it will be here. I wanted to hit myself today, thankfully i didnt, and I am proud that I didn't. I guess that's a step.

Ice Cream

Why did i just eat that ice cream cone? i know i wasn't hungry. but i wanted it. but now i just feel guilty about it. Same as those M&M's earlier. i  am sabotaging myself- and i don't seem to really care- because i haven't stopped.

i have been allowing myself to eat a lot worse than usual- and i can't quite figure out why. i know i am super stressed right now- but usually i deal with stress by not eating- and just drinking more coffee... so why this time- am i allowing myself to eat instead? this needs to stop.

i will stop it.

nothing

right now i feel like i can literally handle nothing. so many aspects of my life are up in the air, and out my control and it is driving me nuts. I don't do well with not having control- thats kind of how i got into this mess in the first place. a lot of the food stuff is about comfort and control. and here i am- feeling out of control again- and battling with the desire to control SOMETHING in my life... i dream about not eating. how good it feels to feel hungry, and feel in control. If i can't control anything else- at least i can control what i eat. sounds dumb i am sure. but its the truth.

i know i should look at this as a test- to show how far i have come, but i don't feel like i am far enough into my therapy to be faced with this right now. things are going to change- and thats fine. i am ok with change- in fact i am excited about change- what i am not excited for is how everything changing is up to everyone else- but yet its my life its effecting. doesn't seem fair or right. and it doesn't feel good.

i cried a lot last night- and it felt really good. i feel like crying now- in fact i feel like crying probably like 75% of the day lately. i don't feel depressed- at least not like i had before. i do feel like i am on the verge of a nervous breakdown. i feel exhausted. i could fall asleep right now.

my acid reflux has been bad again- but thats not a surprise- i am stressed and it is always worse when i am stressed. i want to take a vacation. i want to stop thinking. i want to not worry about eating. i want to feel normal.

the past week

its been a little rough lately. not gonna lie. eating has been hard and life has been hard.

i got new medication- to speed up my digestive system- at first it seemed to be working, then it stopped working (or so it seemed) and now it kinda feels like it is. Who knows. Trick is- i need to take it 30 minutes before every meal- and before bed. I am supposed to take it 4 times a day... but i don't eat 3 times a day... at least i hadn't been. so now i have been trying to eat more- which goes against the whole intuitive eating thing. so frustrating.

i have gained weight too- which makes me mad. 5 pounds- which isn't a lot- but it feels like about 30 to me. i feel like my clothes are tighter- and that i look bad. it sucks.

I hurt myself the other morning. i was so upset and i couldn't control it. i punched my stomach, probably like 4 times. i felt relief for a moment, and then extreme guilt. i hate getting to that point. its one of the worst feelings ever. i told camerin about it- which took a lot of courage- and he was amazing about it. super supportive and comforting.

i feel so bad too, because i feel like i am bringing camerin down with my issues- its like i feel it takes all the focus off of him, and then all he can do, or has enough energy to do is take care of me. i want to take care of him- and i know i am not doing that right now, and that makes me sad too. but i know when i am better- i will be able to take really good care of him. i just kinda suck at it right now.

rough day

saying its been rough is an understatement. My reflux has been bad and so has everything else. my mental state is bullshit today. all i can think about it how fat i feel. its the most disgusting feeling ever. i literally feel like i am busting out of my shorts, my bra, my t-shirt, everything. i feel so gross. i am disappointed in myself. for letting myself feel like this- for eating when i knew it would make me feel bad. for eating when i wasn't really hungry. i wanted to hurt myself today- real bad- and i haven't felt that in a little while. i didn't hurt myself- but the urge to punch my stomach was strong- and i almost gave in- it took everything i had not to. i feel like crap about it. i hate feeling that way... this way really- cuz its still there...

Shower

something simple, like taking a shower with your husband, should be a no brainer. DUH! of course i want to shower with my husband.... or not. most days- or most of the time i would be down. not tonight. tonight was different. because i feel like i ate too much at dinner, and i don't think that camerin should have to look at me and my disgusting body right now. That's literally how i feel. as sick or stupid as that may seem- that is the exact thought in my head.

now i am sitting here- after showering alone- and feeling so stupid about it. Camerin loves me for me, not what i look like, and even more importantly- what i think i look like. i am aware of how much of this is just in my head. but that doesn't matter to me right now.

i ate too much at dinner. and then didn't stop there. i let myself eat a snack like an hour later. i feel disgusting. huge. ugly. disappointed. sad.

tomorrow i must do better.

Gastroparesis

i am always going on WebMD and other medical websites when i am not feeling well, or when i start a new medication or something. i love self diagnosing myself... sometimes i am even right! Today while i was looking up side effects of my new medication- i saw that it was used to treat something called Gastroparesis. So of course-i clicked on the link to see if thats what i have. talking about the physical stomach issues- not the mental ones.
It seems like it could be what i have- not like i am a doctor- but it makes sense. and it makes me sad... because it says it can be caused from : anorexia, bulimia, and abnormal eating patterns.

Makes me sad, because it shows how what i was doing (and am doing)  really affected me physically. if only i could have been smarter, and thought things through more. But i guess the good thing is that i am getting this stuff fixed now. its better late than never right?

eating has been ok- that past couple days. its easier when i am with a bunch of people- because i eat. I don't want anyone to think anything is wrong. but i don't enjoy all of it yet. but being distracted is always better. this weekend was very distracting. So distracting that i just realized that i forgot to go to therapy today. wow. here i am blogging about everything going on- and i forget the key component. :( 

new medication

went to the doctor on friday. to check up on my acid reflux- which is another continuous problem for me. See the acid reflux will make me feel physically ill, which will then make me not want to eat. not wanting to eat is the exact opposite of what i am working on in therapy. i am trying so hard to create a safe, healthy, normal relationship with food... and having something that brings me physical pain doesn't help. It makes it so much easier actually to justify not eating. its like "oh, i just won't eat, because everything i eat just makes me feel sick" - then i just don't eat. totally opposite path.

so i got this new medicine when i was at the doctor- to help balance everything, and help treat damage to the esphagus, and what not. seems ok so far- only downfall - having to take it 4 times a day. yikes. i now carry 3 prescriptions on me at all times- LOL.

eating has been decent the past couple days- which is a relief. I have been feeling slightly better about camerin holding me and touching my stomach as well. do you know how sad that feeling is? to be laying in bed, with your husband- and he puts his arm around you, and rests his hand on your stomach and it makes you feel disgusted.  thats literally how i feel most of the time. depending on the position i am laying in. If i am on my side- forget it. i feel so disgusted by my stomach that i feel bad for him having to touch it. i feel like he shouldn't have to- because its so gross. even though i know that makes no sense- and i know that camerin doesn't feel that way at all. its crazy the thoughts that run through my head about my body... its sickening sometimes.

its all another reason it is so hard to talk about with people. people hear me complain about my body or something and they always have the opposite to say- they say something good- or that i am crazy because i look fine. and thats nice of them- and i appreciate it- but in my head, all i can think about when they say these things is "stop lying". i don't believe it. at all. i think they are just lying to me. because in my head there is no way that anyone could honestly think that about me and my body. and then when i think about it- logically- i know i am wrong. its so sick, and twisted. my brain is a crazy place.... the way i can twist everything- and the amount of self hatred i can come up with- is just sad.

it's been a pretty good day

today has been relatively easy- no major upsets or battles today. I had lunch with my husband and i ate half of my meal. i feel very full- but i am not completely uncomfortable. i was able to enjoy it- for the most part. i am not gonna lie and say i enjoyed every bite, or every minute of it. but i think it may have been a step in the right direction. i feel so silly saying things like that- like who doesn't just enjoy eating? i mean it is supposed to be enjoyed. but that is a real struggle for me-daily.

i wish it was easier to talk about.... i wish i didn't have a hard time saying it out loud. i find it so much easier to talk about my anxiety, my past depression, and even my past cutting. but to talk to someone about troubles with eating, or issues from being overweight feels so difficult. i think it has to do with the way people see overweight people. It's one of things that people in general don't have compassion for. most people see someone who is overweight and don't think about all the things that may have led them to being overweight. its always like "just lose weight" "eat less" "exercise more" etc. etc. and it's really never just that easy.

I didn't realize until i started going to therapy recently- that me being overweight wasn't completely my fault. I take responsibility for it, don't get me wrong- but at the time, and in those moments i didn't know anything else to do to cope with what was going on. I didn't realize then that i was binging, i just thought i was eating and in a way nuturing myself. i didn't have any tools to know what else to do. i was young, and didn't understand why, but eating made me feel better. and it became so natural, and in some ways a part of me. i hid behind my weight- it became part of what defined who i was. i was so scared to just be free, and be me, and be seen, that i would use my weight as an excuse- it was the reason boys didn't talk to me, it was the reason my boyfriend cheated on me, etc. etc. when really- it wasn't that way at all. but it worked, it was a safe place for me. i wasn't completely dumb to the problem- i knew i was overweight, and would go on countless diets. all would work for a moment, and then i would fall off the wagon. It wasn't until i was fully ready that it stuck- and maybe it stuck to much. But i did finally do it. I stopped having an excuse, and i just did it. It was thanks to my grandma that i did it. and i hope more than anything- that she is proud of me. i may not be fully better yet- but i am trying- everyday.

Of the struggles i have had, the food and eating struggle is the worst yet. i would take my anxiety, depression and cutting any day over not being able to just eat in a normal healthy way.

Next time you watch a show on TV about people who are overweight- instead of judging them before they speak- listen to the story. Its never as simple as just putting down the fork- there is almost always more to it than that.

first post

i figured i would just start another blog. find another place to write, and talk about the things that i can't seem to always say out loud. although saying it out loud would probably help. lets take it to the beginning- 4 short years ago, i was overweight. 222 lbs. on a 5'4" frame, wearing a size 20 pant. it felt enormous to me. i felt the lowest i had ever felt in my life- but at the same time felt totally ready to take on the challenge of losing weight and getting in shape. i joined jenny craig- fast forward 1 year- 50 pounds lost. i was super excited- felt great! Met my future husband- things were getting better. fast forward 1 more year- another 30 pounds lost. now i am down 80- super excited. relationship going great, engaged. fast forward 2 more years- married, still down the same amount of weight. not nearly as excited about my body, or myself. In therapy- dealing with the fact that i don't want to eat. and that i am in constant fear of gaining weight.

sounds stupid. but it is my life. my relationship with food is the most confusing and stressful thing ever. it's painful, and it hurts not only me, but my husband and my family as well. and it's something i can't even fully explain- and when i try to- it sounds stupid and makes no sense- it doesn't even make sense to me. i am hoping that at least writing about it can make me feel a little better....or something. we'll see... i guess it won't hurt.

Not a day goes by that i don't think about food, or my body, or gaining weight. Not a single day. Every meal i eat, i think about, over and over. Every bite i take i think about. i try to enjoy eating as much as i can, but it's hard. i can't remember the last time i sat down and ate a meal- and fully enjoyed it, and that makes me really sad...