new medication

went to the doctor on friday. to check up on my acid reflux- which is another continuous problem for me. See the acid reflux will make me feel physically ill, which will then make me not want to eat. not wanting to eat is the exact opposite of what i am working on in therapy. i am trying so hard to create a safe, healthy, normal relationship with food... and having something that brings me physical pain doesn't help. It makes it so much easier actually to justify not eating. its like "oh, i just won't eat, because everything i eat just makes me feel sick" - then i just don't eat. totally opposite path.

so i got this new medicine when i was at the doctor- to help balance everything, and help treat damage to the esphagus, and what not. seems ok so far- only downfall - having to take it 4 times a day. yikes. i now carry 3 prescriptions on me at all times- LOL.

eating has been decent the past couple days- which is a relief. I have been feeling slightly better about camerin holding me and touching my stomach as well. do you know how sad that feeling is? to be laying in bed, with your husband- and he puts his arm around you, and rests his hand on your stomach and it makes you feel disgusted.  thats literally how i feel most of the time. depending on the position i am laying in. If i am on my side- forget it. i feel so disgusted by my stomach that i feel bad for him having to touch it. i feel like he shouldn't have to- because its so gross. even though i know that makes no sense- and i know that camerin doesn't feel that way at all. its crazy the thoughts that run through my head about my body... its sickening sometimes.

its all another reason it is so hard to talk about with people. people hear me complain about my body or something and they always have the opposite to say- they say something good- or that i am crazy because i look fine. and thats nice of them- and i appreciate it- but in my head, all i can think about when they say these things is "stop lying". i don't believe it. at all. i think they are just lying to me. because in my head there is no way that anyone could honestly think that about me and my body. and then when i think about it- logically- i know i am wrong. its so sick, and twisted. my brain is a crazy place.... the way i can twist everything- and the amount of self hatred i can come up with- is just sad.