first post

i figured i would just start another blog. find another place to write, and talk about the things that i can't seem to always say out loud. although saying it out loud would probably help. lets take it to the beginning- 4 short years ago, i was overweight. 222 lbs. on a 5'4" frame, wearing a size 20 pant. it felt enormous to me. i felt the lowest i had ever felt in my life- but at the same time felt totally ready to take on the challenge of losing weight and getting in shape. i joined jenny craig- fast forward 1 year- 50 pounds lost. i was super excited- felt great! Met my future husband- things were getting better. fast forward 1 more year- another 30 pounds lost. now i am down 80- super excited. relationship going great, engaged. fast forward 2 more years- married, still down the same amount of weight. not nearly as excited about my body, or myself. In therapy- dealing with the fact that i don't want to eat. and that i am in constant fear of gaining weight.

sounds stupid. but it is my life. my relationship with food is the most confusing and stressful thing ever. it's painful, and it hurts not only me, but my husband and my family as well. and it's something i can't even fully explain- and when i try to- it sounds stupid and makes no sense- it doesn't even make sense to me. i am hoping that at least writing about it can make me feel a little better....or something. we'll see... i guess it won't hurt.

Not a day goes by that i don't think about food, or my body, or gaining weight. Not a single day. Every meal i eat, i think about, over and over. Every bite i take i think about. i try to enjoy eating as much as i can, but it's hard. i can't remember the last time i sat down and ate a meal- and fully enjoyed it, and that makes me really sad...