stupid stupid stupid

i am feeling insecure right now. my stomach had hurt pretty much constantly for the past few days...

Last night, i wanted camerin to touch me, i wanted so bad to feel his hands on me. but then when he was touching me, all i could think about was how i hoped he couldn't feel how fat i have gotten, and i kept thinking about sucking my stomach in- to make sure it didn't stick out. he deserves a hot sexy wife- and i am non of those things. i couldn't even enjoy being in his arms, because of the thoughts in my mind. the only time i understand him touching me, or wanting to- is if it is going to lead to sex, or something sexual. thats the only time it makes sense to me. like i can understand why he would want to touch me if that was what he was trying to get. but i don't understand why he would want to touch me, just to touch me.

When i was overweight- the only time i got attention from guys- was when it was going to be something sexual. the only things that were "good" on my body were my boobs and my ass. that was all that ever got talked about. i don't feel sexy or confident in myself, unless someone is trying to get in my pants. so if camerin isn't trying to do that, then i don't feel sexy. and then i wonder- "why isn't he trying to?" and it all spirals from there. why doesn't my husband want to have sex with me? am i not pretty to him? Does he not find me sexually attractive? would he rather be with someone else? is he with someone else? its this vicious cycle- that i can't seem to stop. i am usually the more dominant one... which is fine for me, except now all i want is to be submissive... well not really. i just want to be desired- and thats not how i am feeling. but i can't blame camerin- its not his job to fix me. i just want to be per-sued by him right now... i want it to be his idea- i want to feel sexy...

This is stupid. i put way too much thought into all this. and all it ends up doing is making everything that much harder. puts too much pressure, makes it so much more complicated. trying to make things better- all i end up doing is making things a lot worse... why?

Eating is ok i guess- but not better. just ok. i ate bad this weekend- and felt awful about it- in fact i still do. i don't feel like eating anything- for awhile.