nothing

right now i feel like i can literally handle nothing. so many aspects of my life are up in the air, and out my control and it is driving me nuts. I don't do well with not having control- thats kind of how i got into this mess in the first place. a lot of the food stuff is about comfort and control. and here i am- feeling out of control again- and battling with the desire to control SOMETHING in my life... i dream about not eating. how good it feels to feel hungry, and feel in control. If i can't control anything else- at least i can control what i eat. sounds dumb i am sure. but its the truth.

i know i should look at this as a test- to show how far i have come, but i don't feel like i am far enough into my therapy to be faced with this right now. things are going to change- and thats fine. i am ok with change- in fact i am excited about change- what i am not excited for is how everything changing is up to everyone else- but yet its my life its effecting. doesn't seem fair or right. and it doesn't feel good.

i cried a lot last night- and it felt really good. i feel like crying now- in fact i feel like crying probably like 75% of the day lately. i don't feel depressed- at least not like i had before. i do feel like i am on the verge of a nervous breakdown. i feel exhausted. i could fall asleep right now.

my acid reflux has been bad again- but thats not a surprise- i am stressed and it is always worse when i am stressed. i want to take a vacation. i want to stop thinking. i want to not worry about eating. i want to feel normal.