the past week

its been a little rough lately. not gonna lie. eating has been hard and life has been hard.

i got new medication- to speed up my digestive system- at first it seemed to be working, then it stopped working (or so it seemed) and now it kinda feels like it is. Who knows. Trick is- i need to take it 30 minutes before every meal- and before bed. I am supposed to take it 4 times a day... but i don't eat 3 times a day... at least i hadn't been. so now i have been trying to eat more- which goes against the whole intuitive eating thing. so frustrating.

i have gained weight too- which makes me mad. 5 pounds- which isn't a lot- but it feels like about 30 to me. i feel like my clothes are tighter- and that i look bad. it sucks.

I hurt myself the other morning. i was so upset and i couldn't control it. i punched my stomach, probably like 4 times. i felt relief for a moment, and then extreme guilt. i hate getting to that point. its one of the worst feelings ever. i told camerin about it- which took a lot of courage- and he was amazing about it. super supportive and comforting.

i feel so bad too, because i feel like i am bringing camerin down with my issues- its like i feel it takes all the focus off of him, and then all he can do, or has enough energy to do is take care of me. i want to take care of him- and i know i am not doing that right now, and that makes me sad too. but i know when i am better- i will be able to take really good care of him. i just kinda suck at it right now.