sleepless nights

i can't remember the last night that i actually slept- like the whole night through. I can't remember the last time i woke up feeling rested. it's been a least a month of not sleeping. and everyday i feel more and more exhausted. i want to take a nap- for like 3 days.

eating has been ok this week. except for last night. i binged last night. ate a giant bowl of cereal, then ate a bunch of chips. 10 minutes later- it was coming back up. I didn't force myself to throw up or anything- my acid reflux did. eating too fast always does that to me. needless to say i felt like crap the rest of the night.

the sick part is that when i was eating the chips- i was full, and i knew i was full, but i just didn't seem to care. i kept telling myself to stop, but i didn't. even worse- i just bought a bunch of fruits and vegetables- so that i would snack healthier- and of course instead of doing that i went for the last of the chips we had. i guess in a way its good- because now they are gone- so i can't eat them anymore.

i have been eating pretty good all week. i have had a salad everyday for lunch- and have made healthy dinners at home for me and cam. hopefully it is working. i know if i talked to anyone they would say i didn't need to lose weight- but i want to lose like 10-15 pounds. shouldn't be hard- i have lost a lot more before- this should be nothing. i won't really know if i have lost weight or not- i don't have a scale. and i don't want one. i mean i do- but i don't at the same time. i know that it wouldn't be healthy for me to have one. the only way i will know- is by the way my clothes fit and feel.

Cam is joining me in trying to lose weight, which helps a lot. it makes me feel more secure that i won't get carried away. and it makes me feel like i am helping him to do something he wants to do. i might get carried away- and take it too far... but i am feeling confident that i won't. i am still eating, multiple times a day- in fact more times then i had been before. i am just only eating when i am hungry, and i am making better choices.

i feel good right now-in regards to eating. i feel in control- of something. and thats nice.

i had nightmares last night- and have been a lot lately. i don't remember them really- but i remember waking up. and i remember feeling panicky. i hope they stop soon.