Christmas

It's christmas and it was a good one. It was actually a really good Christmas.

Eating disorder wise- not so much. I think it's payback for getting off the hook with thanksgiving.

Thoughts are extremely loud. Ed is making sure I hear him. I am trying not to listen, but i can't help it sometimes.

I wish he would just shut up. I love the holidays more then I can explain, so it really makes me mad that Ed has to try to ruin that.

But in the grand overall picture of the holidays- Ed can't ruin or take away why a fabulous time it was.

Recovery record

As of today I have used the recovery record app for 10 days straight and have recorded 4 meals a day.

I am still struggling. I just mindlessly ate a bunch of chips. I won't call it a binge, because it didn't feel like one and I wasn't using the food to escape or numb out. I was just bored.

I need to remember that.

My goal now is to check in on things like that... To check in on my hunger before I eat... Everytime - no matter what.

I feel that Is the next step.

I have also embraced bringing some exercise back into my life. I have done yoga twice this week and some other strength exercises. I am not ready to go back to the gym yet- but I am getting closer.

Sticking to it

I have stuck to my vow to use recovery record everyday. I have recorded everything I have eaten and my feeling as well. It has felt good doing it.

Recovery is almost constantly on my mind now- which is something that hasn't been happening for awhile. I am enjoying it.

Definitely still have intrusive thoughts and urges, but I have been strong and haven't given in.

I did yoga today. It felt really good to connect to my body. It is a feeling I have missed.

Today is my day off and I am gonna enjoy it and do things for me. I am gonna work on house things, but also make time for relaxation and my creativity. I am excited.

Cheers to having a good day.

Thanksgiving

First I want to say thank you. Someone posted on my Instagram saying I should tell my story, and it inspired me to blog today. So thank you.

I was very nervous about today. It is my first thanksgiving since going to treatment. A holiday centered around eating an obscene amount of food is not really fun when you have an eating disorder.

Add that to the fact that I haven't really been paying much attention to my eating disorder and you have what I call a perfect storm.

Luckily for me- it didn't have an effect on me much today. Some things worked out in my favor. My mom did not have thanksgiving dinner today- hitch definitely helped, because I LOVE moms food. Also- we had a non-traditional thanksgiving. We ate with my husbands family and some extended family- we had Pakistani food, which was amazing but is not a trigger food for me. So I dodged a bullet there.

I have put my eating disorder and recovery on the back burner a lot lately. I have been ignoring it, pretending its not there. I have been comfortable with just getting by. Being recovered enough to survive.

I don't want to just survive anymore. It hasn't really been working. I still struggle with some meals, body image issues and extremely intrusive food and body thoughts... So being good enough is not really good enough.

I want full recovery and will settle for nothing less.

I want to say thank you to my husband for never giving up on me and pushing me when I need help. To my mom for asking the questions I need her to ask and for always being there to listen. To my brother for knowing exactly how to distract me and help me through every panic attack. To my dad for being a rock and for listening to me cry all those mornings while I drove to work. To my treatment group and therapists for challenging me, my thoughts, and challenging Ed for me when I haven't been strong enough to see him standing there. And a special thank you to my scarecrow Lisa for always keeping me honest, checking on me and always being there, and for showing me the recovery record app which in two days had made a lot of difference.

I vow to blog more. And to keep using recovery record and to keep my recovery in the front of my mind until I can honestly say I recovered.

Happy thanksgiving.

Quit

Sometimes I just want to quit.

I went to the doctor today for my stomach issues... My appointment was supposed to be to schedule a colonoscopy- however like always the doctor had a different plan.

He wants to try more medicine before we resort to the colonoscopy. I am beyond frustrated.

I feel like no doctor listens to me... I tell them everything that is wrong and how I want to do every test possible to figure it out, but they don't want to.

And how come when you tell a doctor you have an eating disorder and are in recovery they look at you like you are broken... Shouldn't they be understanding? You would sure think so. But instead they treat you like you have some terrible contagious disease.

Sometimes I just want to quit. Quit going to the doctor. Quit taking care of everything.

I want to go away. For at least a week and just not do anything.

Strong enough to break

My mind is a mess.

More messy then it has been in a long time. I am not sleeping, I have no appetite and I have zero energy... All the time.

Everything feels like a chore. Everything feels like it is too much work...

I just want to run away... And hide in my bed for a week.

I am beyond overwhelmed and trying to put on a smile everything and get through it is getting harder.

I am not depressed or even really sad.... Just exhausted. Everything feels chaotic.

I want to cry- but even that takes too much effort.

I have been listening to the Hanson "underneath" album constantly. (Go ahead and laugh- I don't care) and the song "strong enough to break" is getting the most play on my drive.

"Things keep coming and keep wondering... I start feeling the walls close in. Things keep coming and keep stumbling, I start feeling I'm strong enough to break... "

Strong enough to break...

I think I am breaking...

earned my strips

i have not been thinking much. i haven't blogged, and in fact i haven't even taken care of myself.

i have been sick for 3 weeks now. moved to a new place, and worked the whole time.

today i am having a pretty good body day... like it's not bad, but it's not great either.

i guess in general i am in this complacent state.  just neutral. a little dissociative too. the only time i am feeling real content and solid is when i am home, with camerin.

the good things that have happened lately is gaining some more acceptance of my body. i have been looking at it in a slightly different way, a less judging way. it feels nice.

i have been looking at a lot of things for inspiration in that aspect of my life. one of the pictures i stumbled upon showed a womens stretch marks, and had text on it that said "i'm a tiger who has earned her strips". I liked that a lot. i need to accept my stretch marks and loose skin for what they are. They are more than anything my battle scars, that represent all the torment, teasing, and the lowest points that i have climbed myself out of. they show how strong i really am.

These Are My Strips...

.

Bad Ed day

Ed is pretty loud- but to be honest he isn't lying too much.

He is telling me I am fat... But I know I am not fat... But he is also telling me I should work out more- which I completely agree with him on

He is also telling me that beer doesn't feel good in my body, or maybe my body is telling is telling me that, but it's easier to believe its Ed

Pizza also doesn't feel good in my body. I have the beginning of heartburn, And feel extremely heavy... Pizza is not a good choice for me

My brain is so confused.

I actually think I miss my eating disorder... To be honest...

It felt easier then...

Bloating

Probably one of the most annoying things ever.

Barely hungry- but continue to eat because I am trying to get better.

I look huge. I hate this so much... I feel like never eating again....

Laura Jane Grace

Fair warning: this has nothing to do with food or my eating disorder. Just some thoughts after an amazing show....

Last night me and my husband went to see Against Me in concert. It was hands down one of the most amazing shows i have ever been too. Recently Against Me's lead singer came out as transgendered, and has changed her name to Laura Jane Grace. this is something that hits home for me and camerin.

Camerin is transgendered, and although he doesn't live his life as a women, he has both sides of him. He is almost gender neutral in a way. It's like it is just something that doesn't need to be defined. It is fluid.

Seeing Laura perform on stage while Candice stood beside me looking so beautiful was an experience unlike anything i have experienced. To see the smile on Laura's face as she sang, and to truly feel her happiness and energy, and to see that translating to my Candice- meant the world to me.

it was simply an amazing experience that i can't get out of my head. and it feels inspiring. Inspiring to be brave, and to fight, and make a difference.

amazing

No makeup kind of day

No makeup today... No makeup yesterday or the day before... Feels good. Feeling beautiful and confident without my makeup is amazing.

One more step towards self acceptance.

Feeling stronger everyday.

can't i just be recovered already?

i know that is a selfish thing to say. recovery is a process, and i am aware of that. but it's annoying and frustrating. some days i just don't want to put the work in... i just want to be normal... or feel normal. pretend to be normal.

in spite of wanting to just be recovered- i have been doing pretty good lately. at least i think so. i have challenged myself to eat the uncomfortable things, and to be hyper sensitive to my hunger and fullness. i bought the intuitive eating book- and i am trying very hard to talk it seriously and apply it to my life.

i have not binged, and i have not restricted. but my hunger is not what it used to be. i am sure its because of the cysts in my ovaries and because of all the other things wrong with my tummy. can i just have one day where i don't have a stomach ache? thats not too much to ask for is it?

i want to get involved in something that promotes eating disorder awareness, and helps those struggling with eating disorders. i am sure there are some groups and what not that i could do something with.

my mind hasn't been as flooded with thoughts of food, and weight loss.... but they have been there still. i have been trying to challenge them.

i haven't worn makeup other than mascara for a few days- my skin and eyes have been hurting- plus i want to challenge myself it not have my makeup to make me feel "pretty". 

What does it mean...

...when something changes how it's always been...

I find myself re-evaluating. Becoming more distant in a search of self discovery.

For the first time in my life I am thinking about myself first... And it feels weird.

I find my patience runs thin these days. I don't tolerate things as well as I once had. Maybe that's a good thing, but in some ways it feels so wrong.

I used to pride myself on my patience, on my supportive nature. I still do- but it's different now. It's like watching intervention- and giving everyone their final straw.

I have reached mine. I can't enable any longer. I won't. But it's driving a wedge between me and the things I have known my whole life.

These things were once my absolute truths. They were crystal clear. Perfect, unscratched, sparkling crystal. Now I am looking at them again, and seeing all the flaws, the inclusions, they aren't as clean as I thought they were, in fact they need so polishing.

I can't settle for good enough, or second best anymore. I have been doing that forever and it has gotten me nowhere.

I can only hope that those around me can understand. And that the people closest to me don't take offense.

I am living for me.

I don't quite know how to do it yet- but I am learning.

Funny

Yesterday I posted a picture of this spread of fried foods that me and my sister were eating for dinner. We couldn't decide what we wanted and everything sounded good- so we ordered everything we wanted.

I posted the picture on my Facebook with the caption "anyone who says that nothing tastes as good as thin feels is lying. Not dieting and eating intuitively feels amazing".

Today someone said to me "you don't honestly think you are gonna lose weight eating all that fried food do you?" I was taken aback and said "no, not I if eat it all day everyday. But if I want to eat it, I am going to."

Me and my sister ate maybe half of what we ordered, and even if we had eaten the whole thing, it wouldn't have mattered. One day of eating isn't going to make you gain 10 pounds.

Plus we were listening to our bodies, and what we wanted to eat. We were legitimately hungry, and ate completely mindfully, and didn't over eat. Sounds like a healthy way to eat to me.

If I ate a giant plate of fried food for every meal of everyday- then the comment would have made sense,. I am not doing that. I am listening to my body. Responding to my hunger and fullness cues, and honoring what my body is craving.

Plus, I am in recovery for an eating disorder. And I haven't been shy about putting that out there for everyone to see... So just that point made the comment hurt, and seem inappropriate.

I know I can't expect everyone to change their life and their thoughts just because I am. But a little more compassion would be nice.

Diets

It is amazing how many diet and weight loss commercials are on tv. It drives me nuts...

Diets don't work. There is no scientific proof behind diets, because they aren't sustainable and don't work. They are designed to make us deprive ourselves and restrict our food. They create a diet mentality and food police that can lead to an eating disorder.

I am not blaming diets for my eating disorder or anyone else's, however they do not help.

We are all constantly bombarded with messages that the smaller we are the better we are. The more we lose the stronger we are. Losing weight requires "will power" and when the diet eventually fails we blame ourselves and our lack of will power. It's a vicious cycle.

I have been reading my intuitive eating book and it is pretty incredible and makes so much sense. But something like intuitive eating won't take off and become the new craze, because it's not a quick fix or some diet plan that forces guidelines in your life.

It gives you unconditional permission to eat. And not just to eat, but eat whatever it is you are wanting to eat. The only "rule" is to eat mindfully and be conscious in your eating experience. To slow yourself down while you are eating to properly listen to your hunger and fullness cues.

It is something that will be sustainable long term and something that will actually work.

We aren't all meant to be the same size. Something that makes people so beautiful is that we are all unique and different. How boring would it be if we were all the same?

Anyways. That's enough of a rant for today. I am just so sick of hearing and seeing all these messages that say we aren't beautiful or good enough the way we are...

You are beautiful

Long time

It's been awhile since I have posted. I have been a little disconnected and in my own head.

I haven't engaged in ED behaviors, but the thoughts have definitely been there.

I have been unintentionally restricting... We put my dog down a week ago, and for 3 weeks I have had stomach pains which have continued to get worse.

This week I saw 3 different doctors. After 2 urine samples, 5 pregnancy test, blood work, X-ray, pelvic exam and a pelvic ultrasound... My doctor thinks I have an ovarian cyst.

The pain I am in is beyond what I thought possible. It's always there and never goes away. I am light headed, dizzy, and have an almost constant headache. My stomach is distended and tender to the touch... I feel like I am a mess.

I haven't worn makeup, fixed my hair or gotten dressed up pretty much all week, because I am so tired and in pain.

I get the results from my ultrasound on Monday or Tuesday... This weekend is going to be hell. I wish I didn't have to wait...

So sad...

Indescribable

I dont know how to describe the way I am feeling right now... I feel sad... Anxious, frustrated, overwhelmed, angry... And so much more.

I hear Ed. He wants me to not eat. I want me to not eat. I have gained weight... And I am not supposed to care- but I do.

Even though I have gained, I have continued to eat everyday... Even though it's hard.

I can't lie and say I don't miss those days when I could just give in to Ed and not eat for a few days... Everytime I eat now, I feel weak.

I felt stronger then... Healthier then. I know I wasn't either of those, but that's how it felt.

I know to much now- now if I give in- it doesn't have the same satisfaction....

Someday maybe I will feel happy, secure and content... Until then I am floating in this weird space that I find hard to describe...

Hard

Ed is loud... My upset stomach is loud... My brain is loud.

I wish everything would just be quiet...

Today has been a really good day... (emotionally) and a bad day (eating) I don't feel much like fighting Ed right now... I feel tired and weak... But I just dont care.

I feel depressed, insecure, and not good enough...

Will this ever go away?

I had been having a pretty good day as far as Ed is concerned, but I decided to get in the pool with my family... And that was a mistake. I hated what I saw in the mirror. I hate my stomach more that I will ever be able to explain.

I feel disgusting, ugly and huge. I know "feeling fat" isn't a real emotion- but I don't know what the actual emotion underneath it is right now. And I don't feel like fighting it.

I am too tired to even cry.

Friendships

This isnt really eating disorder related, but it is on my mind...

Friendships.

I have had several friendships, like most of us have... I have even been lucky to have a few best friends. But what is on my mind is when those friendships change. When neither one of you want to put in the effort anymore, when you truly drift apart and no longer actually know each other.

When does that happen? And why can't you see it until it too late?

If I had seen it coming would I have tried to stop it? I don't honestly know the answer to that. I like to believe I would have.

I know high school doesn't last forever and I know that I made the choice to move away. But I can't help but be jealous sometimes of my old friends, and wish I was back there with all of them...

But at the same time, if I hadn't moved and experienced the things I have experienced I wouldnt be who I am today. It's a catch 22.

I long for a group of friends. Friends that go on trips together, go out to dinner, have party's and get together a. For someone who social anxiety, I actually really enjoy being with people...

I have always taken pride in the fact that I believe I am a good friend to people. But I am sitting here thinking that I am not as good of a friend as I should be. I have friends here. I have people who would be down to hang out, I choose not to hang out. Is it my eating disorder that has held me back? Sure in some ways. But it also my fear. Fear of being annoying. Fear of abandonment and fear of rejection.

I need to make some changes. I can't live in that fear anymore. Human contact and socialization are too important to me to let that fear rule my life...

Weird...

I am feeling off today. I have definitely done too much drinking in the past week... And that has led to unhealthy food choices, which has led to this weighed down icky feeling.

I don't feel like starving or restricting... But I feel disconnected... From my hunger and my body... I want so badly to be connected to my body... To feel proud of it, content, satisfied. But it feels like a unrealistic dream... And it feels impossible.

I will settle for being indifferent. Neutral. Not having an opinion either way. Even that sounds like a better option...

This is all a process I know, and I know it gets easier each day- or it does eventually... But I feel impatient right now...

Trying a little harder..

I have been pretty hard on myself lately.. And focusing on the bad things.

I watched a demi lovato music video yesterday, and I starting thinking about her and her struggle with her eating disorder. I thought about how beautiful I think she is and how strong she is. I channeled that into myself and tried to be more positive and easy on myself...

The truth is that I am gonna have hard days, and days where I may eat more then I want and things like that, but as long as I can learn something from each of those days, it is still progress. Recovery isn't going to happen overnight- it is gonna be a long hard battle but I will win in the end. I will have my freedom.

Gaining

I have gained weight. I know I have. I haven't stepped on a scale, but I can feel it. In everything... My clothes, the way my body feels when moving and sitting, everything.

I know I am not supposed to care... That my weight isn't supposed to matter... But I don't like this feeling... I am fine with being "ok" or "fine" with my weight and accepting it... But not if I gain weight. I know regardless of what I weigh it doesn't change who I am or any of those things, but I still don't want to gain weight.

It feels terrible.

I don't like this...

At all.

One of those days

Somedays I don't feeling like fighting ED... Today is one of those days.

I just don't care today. He can beat me up all day, I won't fight today.

Drinking

Having a Disney movie marathon with my brother while drinking. Super fun.

The urge to binge is super strong right now... Like it always does when I drink.

I need to remember that. I become weaker when I have been drinking... And I have been fighting too hard and too long to let one night of drinking ruin it.

Be strong Chelsea.

You are strong, confident and very beautiful...

I am strong, confident and very beautiful...

I AM STRONG, CONFIDENT AND VERY BEAUTIFUL!!!!

Feeling weird

I feel off today. Ed is talking... And I just feel exhausted. Drained. I don't feel like fighting him right now. I want him to just be quiet.

I advance tomorrow. Which I am excited for, but I am nervous too... It makes it real... After tomorrow I really will be more accountable and will be doing more of this on my own.

I believe I can do it, but I just don't feel like it right now. I feel like crying and I don't really know why.

My monthly visitor is right around the corner- so I am sure that has something to do with all of this.

Last week I felt so confident...I want that back.

Obsessed With The Beauty Contest...

i love this No Doubt song... So much.

Beauty Contest:

Damsel in distress is quite submissive
Look how somber my vanity is
A feminine human creature
Superficial, seducing detour

I'm going to the mall for the cookie cutter
The ugly duckling will always suffer
Contaminated standards, I try to fight it
I better get back on my diet

Obsessed with the beauty contest
Beauty contest
How'd my vanity get such a mess?
Beauty contest
I'm obsessed

Reduce myself, I got the strict restrictions
Not sexy enough without the regulations
A melting point countdown the fading features
Born to blossom and bloom to perish

Obsessed with the beauty contest
Beauty contest
Oh, I've got to get out of this mess
Beauty contest
I'm obsessed
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/n/no+doubt/beauty+contest_20101424.html ]
And I've fallen, I can't help myself
I'm feeling envious of all the rest
You're bringing out the lemming in me
A victim of the cattle call disease
Not easy to be me

I feel swollen

Obsessed with the beauty contest
Beauty contest
How'd my vanity get such a mess?
Obsessed with the beauty contest

Obsessed with the beauty contest
Beauty contest
I've got to get out of this mess
Obsessed with the beauty contest

Obsessed with the beauty contest
Beauty contest
How'd my vanity get such a mess?
Caught up in the beauty contest
Caught up in the beauty contest
Caught up in the beauty contest
Caught up in the beauty contest
Caught up in the beauty contest

And I feel swollen
How'd my vanity get such a mess?
My vanity's a mess

Advancing

My insurance decided they would no longer pay for my treatment. So I will be advancing to outpatient treatment. I was told this might happen a few weeks ago- but I didn't think it ever would. I was all worked up about it, but now that it's here... I am not that upset. It sucks for sure, but there is nothing I can do except move forward and keep focused on my recovery. They can take away my treatment, but they can't take away my recovery.

I feel more confident about it then I thought I would. It will be a challenge- but I will make it through. I want recovery more then anything- so I know I will get there.

Struggle

Every meal is a struggle.

Every bite is a struggle.

When will I be free?

I just want to enjoy things- like everyone else.

Ed is talking

I can hear him. Loud and clear. But I will not give in.

It takes every ounce of energy I have to not binge right now....

I will make it through and be stronger tomorrow because I made it through today.

Ed will not win.

I will.

A serving size of chips

Seems easy. Seems like a dream. "this week- you need to eat a serving of chips everyday".

Not a dream to me. I am sitting here looking at this bowl of chips- and it is taking everything I have to eat them. Ed is screaming at me- telling me I am stronger then these chips, that my dietician is wrong- I don't need to eat chips everyday- I need to not eat them. He is hard to block out right now. I want to obey him- because fighting seems like too much work...

But- I am fighting. I am sitting here struggling my way through a serving of chips... I will win Ed... I promise you that. No matter how hard it seems right now- I will get my life back.

I can hear you...

I am not deaf anymore- I can hear Ed. And I know what he wants. But I am stronger then him- I know I am... I have to be.

I want to scream at him. And say terrible things.

I have been having a good day- I feel confident today- I feel pretty today- I don't feel fat today...

But he wants to ruin that. Take that away from me.

Shut up Ed- your mean nothing to me anymore... I am worth it, I am beautiful, and I am stronger then you...

Shut up already

Ed is talking today. A lot. He talked a lot yesterday too. He is being clever right now- confusing me. Making it harder to figure out what thoughts are his and what thoughts are mine.

We comprised today. It feels like making a deal with the devil- but my uncertainty made it so I felt it was the only way.

I wanted some chips. I knew I wasn't hungry- at least I didn't have hunger pangs... But I had spent an hour thinking about these chips. I kept refusing to give in, but then I couldn't figure out if craving the chips was Ed talking or if refusing them was Ed talking.

I compromised... I ate a serving size of chips. Nothing more, nothing less. I don't know how i feel about it. My thoughts are still blurry about it...

New Chapter-

I have turned a new leaf- or am beginning the long process of it. I have finally decided to deal with my eating disorder in a way that will actually lead to recovery- to freedom.

I started an intensive outpatient treatment a week ago for my eating disorder. I go there 3 days a week, for 3 hours each day. It is the first time in my life that I am actually doing something for myself and doing something I actually believe will lead me to recovery... Full recovery.

I can see the light at the end of the tunnel- its dim and small right now, but I know it will get bigger and brighter. I know I can divorce "ED" and that my life will be so much better without him. I will actually have a life.

Imagine that!

I finally fully admit I have an eating disorder, and I am not ashamed of it anymore. I have a wonderful team of doctors that will help me through this and almost more importantly I have a wonderful group of women who feel the same way I do, and understand my feelings. There are few things that feel as wonderful as knowing there are people who truly understand me.

I am hopeful, excited, nervous and scared.

I will no longer use this blog as a place for me to let ED have a voice. I will only fill this blog with Chelsea's voice- her real voice. I am stifling ED's voice, and learning how to use my own.

This will in no way be easy, and I know that I will have moments of weakness. I know my days won't always feel this positive and won't always be good ones. I know the road to recovery and freedom will be long and hard, but I am finally ready to do the work and get it done.

Today is the day that I begin to break up with ED and begin to see the real Chelsea...

How

How am I supposed to take care of myself? I don't know how. I only know how take care of others....

How I supposed to open up about my feelings and thoughts when they are thoughts and feelings that no one wants to hear....

I don't ever want to eat again

Trying

I feel like I try so hard, all the time. I am always trying... And it feels like more often then not- I fall short. However I don't think it's me truly falling short- at least not all the time. I feel like sometimes it just because I try to make everyone happy... And I just try to always be nice and what not.

It's not all its cracked up to be... I leave myself out all the time instead. Take all the heat and frustration anyone has even if I am not in the wrong... Or haven't even done anything other then just be myself...

This post is all over the place. But the point is that I am always putting everyone before myself.... And it's all because I just want to make everyone happy- but a lot of times that back fires on me. I don't know how to change that. I just don't.

So hard

An eating disorder... Anorexia... Is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with and try to overcome... I wouldn't wish this on anyone

Fallen to the wayside...

I have totally failed on my project love myself goal- and I have totally fallen into feeling alone again... And feeling bad about myself. I have had 2 bad days in a row- and I feel so alone right now. It sucks