Indescribable

I dont know how to describe the way I am feeling right now... I feel sad... Anxious, frustrated, overwhelmed, angry... And so much more.

I hear Ed. He wants me to not eat. I want me to not eat. I have gained weight... And I am not supposed to care- but I do.

Even though I have gained, I have continued to eat everyday... Even though it's hard.

I can't lie and say I don't miss those days when I could just give in to Ed and not eat for a few days... Everytime I eat now, I feel weak.

I felt stronger then... Healthier then. I know I wasn't either of those, but that's how it felt.

I know to much now- now if I give in- it doesn't have the same satisfaction....

Someday maybe I will feel happy, secure and content... Until then I am floating in this weird space that I find hard to describe...