My Story....

There seems to be a large amount of articles discussing "Fat Shaming" lately, and at the very bottom of these articles is a comments section- with is filled with the most disgusting things i have ever read. Reading said comments has actually made me feel ill at times. The judgement and hate that are spewed out in them makes me sad.

I am writing this to tell my story, and my perspective on things such as "fat shaming" and "thin privilege".

It seems one of the most common things people say when it comes to people being overweight- is that they are lazy, unmotivated and are choosing to stay overweight. I don't believe this to be true. In fact i couldn't disagree with it more.

I have spent most of life being overweight. My 5'4" frame weighed 222 pounds at it's heaviest. I was 21 years old. But my story and battle goes back to the 4th grade. I am fairly certain that by the age of 9/10 I outweighed most girls (and boys) in my class. But at that age, i was definitely not aware of it. I was confident, strong, and fun. My grandma used to say that i had the world on a string. That it was my world, and everyone else just lived in it. At that time- she was right. That was my outlook. I was carefree.

But that didn't last. In the 4th grade i got picked on for being fat for the first time in my life. I got told that i was obviously fat because i was developing breasts- and only fat girls had breasts in 4th grade. My best friend made fun of me, and would throw candy wrappers at me, while talking about me eating junk food and being fat. These memories will forever be in my head. For the first time in my life, i was ashamed of who i was. I went from being a fairly popular kid, to the butt of all the jokes in what seemed like an instant.

At this point of my life, i had no idea i was fat. i can honestly say that. I look at pictures now, and i can see that i was chubby, but not what my idea of a fat 4th grader is. My family moved that year, and i switched schools.

5th & 6th grade were a little better, i got to create a new identity. be a new person. meet all new people who didn't know anything about me. I definitely still got picked on, but i decided to survive this time, to fight back. I became a bully in some ways. I physically beat kids up, but i felt justified in my actions because i only beat up kids who were mean to me and my friends.

one thing i vividly remember from 5th & 6th grade was that i longer shopped in the girls section, i had moved to the juniors section. i wore a size 7. i was still in a place where i wasn't completely aware that i was heavy. I couldn't really see what everyone was talking about. What i did know though, was that i wasn't like everyone else, and that i definitely needed to change myself... my body.

6th grade i went on my first diet. Weight Watchers. I lost weight- and was praised for losing the weight. The positive attention felt great. but it didn't last. because it didn't fix everything. What i know now is that there was much more going on than just being overweight.

Junior high was without a doubt the worst. The bullying was almost constant, which lead to me hating school for the first time in my life. I got my first set of bad grades in 7th grade. Bad grades would become normal for me soon. I continued to diet in 7th and 8th grade, with varying degrees of success. I remember asking my mom all the time why my brother was skinny when i wasn't. Why he could eat whatever he wanted, and i couldn't. Why i wasn't built like her. It all seemed so unfair.

By 8th grade, i weighed 180 pounds and was wearing size 18 pants. I hated everything about myself, and wanted more than anything to just be someone else. I dreamed about it, I prayed about it. I tried so hard to lose weight, to change. But it never lasted. Every pound always came back, and it came back with friend.

One day on the bus ride home, i was feeling a little hopeful, the teasing had gotten a little better and was thinking that the worst was over. i was wrong. I looked down at my math book and saw that insults had been written all over it. My book cover was covered with "you're fat" , "you're gay" "no one likes you", "you're ugly" and everything in between. in that moment. i broke. Completely. I officially wanted my life to be over.

Maybe that sounds extreme, but at the time- that was how i was feeling. I started missing a lot of school and i complete stopped trying.

High school was pretty much the same as Junior high- except i got a little bit of confidence back. I had a solid group of friends, and i learned to rely on just them. The biggest thing that got me through high school, was that i developed a persona of sorts. I walked around like i was tough, and intimidating. I created a wall around myself so that i didn't have to let anyone in.

I still got teased in high school. But not just for my weight. I also got teased because i was gay. (which i am not). This became a new thing that i got picked on for. Where it came from? I am not entirely sure. I wasn't gay, but apparently people thought i was. The only reason anyone ever gave me was "because you have purple hair, only a lesbian would have purple hair". that reason made about as much sense as the reason i was given in 4th grade for having breasts.

i fought back some in high school. Especially the gay thing. Instead of telling them they were wrong, i just starting putting rainbows on everything of mine. I bought a shirt that said "I don't even think straight" in rainbow print. I just fed into it. I figured if they are gonna say thats who i am- then i will beat them to it.

High school was when i had my first relationship. I crushed hard on a guy for almost a whole year until he finally became my boyfriend. We dated for 2 years. I loved him more than i ever thought i would. but like most high school relationships- it ended and it didn't end good.  It needed to end. We definitely had our fair share of ups and downs, and at the time they were very very hard on me. I never felt good enough in our relationship. Never felt pretty enough. I always felt like i was dating "out of my league". How did fat ugly Chelsea get the hottest "bad boy" in school to date her? That was a question i frequently asked myself. During our relationship, my eating/dieting and hatred for my body increased. I was constantly in a state of trying to perfect myself. I also began cutting at this time, and my depression hit a new low. All of these things i am sure played into how our relationship was, and how it eventually ended.

When he broke up with me, i was devastated. I was convinced immediately that i would never find another boyfriend. He added truth to that feeling. In a angry post on Live Journal he said "I highly doubt you will ever find someone that will put up with your shit for the rest of their lives". Those words lived in my head for the next 4 years. They defined me, in a way they shouldn't have. We have talked since those days, and have hashed everything out, to the point where i would be beyond comfortable having a drink together and most likely laughing about our overly complex high school relationship.

Those words took up a HUGE amount of space in my life. I am not lying when i say that they defined me for 4 years. After our break up, my depression got worse, my cutting increased, and of course, i gained weight. I began smoking weed almost every day, and pretty much stopped being a productive member of society. I became that party girl who would let anyone do anything they wanted to and with me. I just didn't care about anything.

At 18 i moved into my own apartment. (worst/best mistake ever). What does an 18 year old with an apartment do? Spiral into self destruction. The next 6 months were spent high, drunk and more depressed than i ever thought imaginable. I was hating my body, dieting- with no success, still unhappy. My parents intervened- and made me move back home. Which was the first move that saved my life.

i moved in with my parents- stopped partying, and started going to therapy. I stopped cutting. (after spending 1 night in the psych ward- i was basically scared straight). i began planning for my move to california. I had visited my aunt after i graduated, and had decided that i wanted to live in california. That was the second move that saved my life.

1 month shy of turning 19 i packed up the 1991 ford ranger and drove to california with my Dad. the next 3 months were spent trying to figure things out. I had no friends and my immediate family was all still in minnesota. My body image suffered. My depression suffered. I binge ate often, and found an even greater hate for myself. My family moved to california in August- and thats when things started to even out... maybe.

The next two years were spent making friends, losing friends, being bullied by co-workers, dieting, losing weight, gaining weight, and the biggest indicator that i had an eating disorder. I began taking laxatives as a way to lose weight. Anything i ate, i wanted out of me, and since i hated puking- i figured laxatives were the way to go. I spent easily 2 years with a severe stomach ache because of this.

When i was 21 my grandma died. That was and is the most significant loss i have experienced thus far.  Her death made me make the final decision to get healthy- no matter what. I joined Jenny Craig and finally- something worked. In the first year i lost 50 pounds. i was happy. or i thought i was happy. I was still taking laxatives, and using different "digestive aids" to keep food from staying in my system. That was always my goal- to never keep anything in my system. And if i couldn't get rid of it- i would work out. To the extreme.

At this point, i hadn't had a boyfriend since high school and the cursed words he said in his live journal played on repeat in my head. like a broken record that just wouldn't quit.

A few months before my 22nd birthday i met my now husband. Again i was stricken with those feelings of "how does this guy like me?" i hated myself so much that i couldn't imagine how anyone could possibly like me, or find me attractive.

We spent 9 months "dating" or whatever that period of time is where you aren't official. I was down about 65 pounds- and was starting to get attention for old friends, and old crushes i had back home. I was loving it, but still not happy. I was worried constantly that Camerin would leave me, that i wasn't perfect enough.

i compared myself to all his previous girlfriends, and any friend he had that was a girl. All of them were prettier, and even more importantly- skinnier. I continued to engage in eating disorder behaviors. Binge eating, laxatives, exercise and constant diets. Eventually those weren't working, so i stopped eating. I am not exaggerating when i say that i would go a whole week with only eating 1 meal. Every conversation we had was about food. Any time we went to eat, i never ordered what i wanted, only what i thought i should eat. This continued into our marriage, until i got to my lowest weight ever, 135 pounds. but that wasn't good enough. I wanted to get to 122 pounds- so i could be down 100 pounds from my heaviest weight. I felt like that would be the only way i would be happy.

Every time i looked in the mirror i still saw the Chelsea that weighed 222 pounds. It didn't matter what anyone said- that was who i was. Everyone was lying. I wasn't pretty, i wasn't skinny. i was disgusting and i needed to be fixed. and the only fix, was to lose more weight. My husband recognized this, and very sweetly, suggested i go to treatment for an eating disorder. i put it off for months, until i simply couldn't survive living like this anymore.

I successfully completed treatment and thought that i was cured. i'm not. my eating disorder is still as present as ever, except now- i have weapons to fight it. Even though they don't always work. I have gained some weight back. But i am not sure how much, because i no longer weigh myself. I also no longer count calories... but i still struggle every single day. Every meal, every bite. the eating disorder never goes away. ever. But at least i have an answer now for all the pain and all the struggles. I now know that it was never my fault- it was just how i was made. I was going to have a compulsive disorder no matter what- mine just became an eating disorder.

the point of telling this story, is that seeing all the comments people say about overweight people, and saying it's a choice. are bullshit. i fought my entire life to not be overweight. i NEVER chose it. It just was my reality. Saying people choose to be overweight, is no different than saying they chose to be gay.

i lived life overweight, being ridiculed, bullied, and depressed. i wouldn't wish that life on my worst enemy, and i certainly would never choose it. i tried my whole life to choose something other than being overweight. I know now- that it was my eating disorder. That i have a binge eating disorder, compulsive eating disorder, and anorexia. Sounds impossible to have all 3- but i promise it is. I am living proof.

the other point of this is that when you ridicule, and shame someone for their weight- you never know what their story is. You never know why someone is the way they are. You never know what battle they are fighting. You making a comment about my weight- might be the one thing to send me over the edge that day which could result in me binge eating, or not eating at all for a week.

You can't know a persons story- by looking at them. You can't know all their pain just by their dress size.

That doesn't only apply to overweight people. We need to stop shaming natually skinny people- or people who have "thin privilege". (Which i don't really like saying- it sounds so negative and rude). I will not deny that i believe that exists- there are people who are just naturally thin- but that does not mean they don't get their fair share of body shaming. They get people asking if they have an eating disorder, or telling them to go eat a cheeseburger (i am guilty of doing this). They get a lot of bullshit that they don't deserve either.

We as a society need to stop BODY SHAMING. as a whole. NONE of us are in any position to judge anyone else. We are not better than the next person- and we are not entitled to tell them how they should be living, and especially how they should look. We need to all look inside and see the beauty that is in all of us. We need to talk to each other how we would talk to our loved ones. We need to respect our bodies. Talk nice to them, treat them with kindness. We need to only focus on being healthy and above all happy.

Wow- that took forever to write. and was a serious roller coaster... i am exhausted now.

You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here...

Lately i have been feeling a strong desire for alone time. thats rare for me. i am usually one of those people who hates being alone. right now- thats all i want.

i find myself staying late at work, just so i can get 15 minutes by myself.

there is nothing bad at home. Me and Camerin are great- but sometimes at the end of the day- i just don't feel like going home.

for the first time in my life, i want to go on vacation by myself. just go to a hotel for a night or two, and do whatever i want to do, which would most likely be nothing. and that sounds amazing. maybe drink a bottle (or 2) of wine, and just forget the world.

Ever since losing the baby, i have had this urge. I want to shut out the world, if only for a few minutes. i know i have been isolating myself, but i don't care. it is honestly what i need.

I feel like when i am alone- i have no one i need to impress. no one to take care of. no one that needs me. and that is refreshing.

i am not looking for sympathy, or pity or anything. but being me, can be exhausting. through treatment i have tried to learn how to take care of myself, how to set boundaries, etc. But it doesn't always work. I was created to be the way i am. And i fully accept and appreciate the gift i was given by god. I truly view it as a gift. I am blessed to be sympathetic, empathetic, caring, understanding, giving, etc, etc. but the problem with it is, that no one can give me what i give them. i have a high standard, a high desire for the same care to be given to me- and it just doesn't exist. and i think that is true for everyone. We all have these expectations, standards. we expect people to treat us the way we would treat them or others. but that is not achievable.

we are all unique, and give and care for people in our own way- so no one will ever be able to do it the way that we do.

its just like my mom asking me to do chores as a kid. I would do them, but not the way she would.

we can't hold people to our same standards. unless you give nothing- then i suppose you could. but for me, i can't.

i never expect anyone to handle me and my needs the way i would handle theirs. So in moments of my life, where i feel how i feel right now, i would rather be alone- and handle and care for myself. Because i am the only one who will give me the care i need.

i am definitely rambling now. and this post probably makes absolutely no sense.

with my miscarriage- there is no one who knows what to say- because no one is feeling what i am feeling. The only person who understands is camerin. And i am not saying that to be a bitch- but its the truth. no matter how sad my family is, or my friends are, it wasn't their baby- so there is no way they feel what i am feeling.

there are also NO words they can say to make anything better. In fact- i wish people wouldn't say anything. just give me a hug.

so often when people are hurting, we search for words to say, and ways to relate. When in reality there is no way we can. in those moments all we can do is listen, and give hugs and affection.

i don't want to hear "it will get better with time" , "it is probably for the better", "at least you were only 8 weeks pregnant", "at least you didn't have a stillborn", "it happened for a reason", "i miss the baby too", "you will feel better when you get pregnant again", "don't be scared, you got pregnant, you can get pregnant again", etc, etc...  i could go on for days. all of those words hurt more than they help.

i have gotten away from the point of this blog. the point is. i just want to be alone. and the fact that i want to be alone so badly, kind of scares me. makes me nervous. but it mostly makes me nervous because i don't know how to explain it. everyone asks questions, because it is so not like me. all i can say is, its nothing against anyone in my life right now, but chances are i don't want to hang out, and i don't know when i will want to again... please accept that for being that simple. there is nothing else to it, except that. i just want to be alone.

reality

everyday reality sets in more and more. everyday is another reminder that i am not pregnant anymore. every baby i see is another baby that isn't mine. as if the struggle of overcoming my loss wasn't enough- today ED has decided to make a vicious comeback. Louder and stronger than ever before. i am not exaggerating in the slightest when i say that ALL DAY i have been thinking about my body. Every thing i have eaten today has been a struggle. Every bite was a mental battle where ED was telling me not to eat. All i want to do right now is not eat. i know i can't do that. i know that ED won't work the way he did before. and that i can't take him back into my life. but right now- he seems like a nice distraction. i want so badly to not feel any of the things i am feeling right now- that i really don't care if it hurts me. i want to sit and cry. for hours, for days, for weeks. I want so much to not wake up every morning and put my happy face on. I want to escape. i want to go back in time. I want to be pregnant again. i want a lot of things. but more than anything, i want to be happy. and i want to feel like myself again. i don't know who this chelsea is. I miss the old chelsea. will i ever get the old chelsea back? i guess that is something to think about. How can i ever be that person again? i am changed. nothing will ever be the same as it was. and maybe thats the hardest part about all of this. i want to forget. i want to pretend nothing happened. i want to pretend i was never pregnant. that i was never walking in the baby aisles, planning my future childs whole life. i want it to have just been a really crazy dream with a really bad ending. but thats not reality. and i know i have to face reality. but how? how is that even possible with ED breathing down my neck? i don't like these feelings. they are very much unwelcome in my life. but i don't know how to stop them. when i left treatment- i felt so strong. so powerful. so full of life. Lately i feel weak. powerless. sad. i want that to change.

Getting caught up in the "Why Me"

this week has been challenging so far. This sunday would have been the completion of my first trimester... if i was still pregnant. This week would have been the week where i was getting all excited and ready to tell everyone... instead i am crying and not sleeping. i don't think i have slept since i saw my babies heart not beating. everyday i feel more and more exhausted. But i am trying to keep pushing through. This week though... is hard. this month is pregnancy & infant loss awareness month. That doesn't help either.

i have been real positive for the most part. but today and this week, i find myself getting caught up in the "why me".

Why me? Why us?

I am married, to an amazing husband. We both have good jobs. We are both healthy. We pay our bills on time, are responsible, aren't addicted to anything, etc, etc... We waited 2 years to try for a baby so we could have that time to grow and become fully prepared(or as prepared as you can be). We have done everything the way it is "supposed" to be done, and yet we lose our baby while teen mom can't cast their shows fast enough...

I was raised to be a non-judgemental person, but right now- i am finding that harder and harder to do. I know everyone has there own struggles. But when i am getting lab work done, or going in to have a second ultrasound to make sure they weren't wrong, it is hard to see pregnant 16-20 year olds.

the only thing i have ever wanted from my life, is to be a mom. I swear, thats it. My mom is the most amazing mom, and my whole life all i have wanted to do was be a mom like her. So losing our baby, feels like my dreams were stolen.

i am trying to push through the "why me" and the judging. trying to break through the bitterness and the sadness, but its hard. sometimes are better then others. today- is a bad day. Yesterday was ok. Hopefully tomorrow will be good.

Empty

That is the best way to describe how I feel. I feel empty. 

When baby was growing inside of me- I felt whole. I had Camerin and our baby. We were a family. 

In one instant all of that was taken away from me. In the blink of an eye. 

My heart aches in a way I have never experienced before. It hurts worse that I could have ever imagined. It feels not just broken, but empty. 

There is a piece of it missing, and I don't know how to fix it. 

I know it hasn't been long, but I have been waiting to start feeling a little better- but it seems like everyday is exactly the same as the one before. And I fear it will never get better. And that I will never not be sad. 

I know in my heart, that it will get better. That I will never forget- but I will be able to make it through a day without crying. 

I know in my heart that god is taking care of my angel baby and me. I know I am meant to be a mom and that I will get that dream someday. 

But in this moment. None of that seems possible. 

Recovery

Had another ultrasound on Monday- everything was exactly the same. I had a d&c yesterday. 

I feel empty. Really sad. And lonely. I feel like no one understands what I am going through, and that no one thinks it's as big of a deal as it is. I feel like a pain in the ass laying on my parents couch. Like a nuisance. 

I want to go home. Where I can cry if I want, where I don't have to worry about getting in anyone's way. Where I can just exist and grieve however I want to. 

Day 2- a little stronger

I am a little stronger today than I was yesterday.

 I have decided that I do not want to have a D&C. If I haven't had a miscarriage naturally by Monday- I am going to ask for a second ultrasound. 

I know the chances are slim- but I have also read a lot of stories where a week later there was a heartbeat. I may not be one of those stories, but I cannot bear not trying. 

I could not live with myself if I had any thought that my baby could be alive and I chose to go through with the D&C. 

I know I will probably miscarry- I have accepted that- however I have to exhaust every option and hold on to a little hope. Maybe there will be a miracle. 

I pray there is. 

Angel mom

Haven't blogged in awhile. I have my reasons. Recovery is fine. And that is not why I wasn't blogging. 

First I think I just wanted a break. A time to be "normal"

Second thing- I was pregnant. 

Today me and camerin went in my first ultrasound. I was 8 weeks and 3 days pregnant. We were going to see the heartbeat of our little baby, only there wasn't a heartbeat. And our baby was only developed for around 7 weeks and 4 days. Baby had stopped living about a week ago. In an instant I felt my entire heart shatter and my world was immediately changed. 

I was not naive. I knew miscarriage was a possible. And not only possible- I was at a higher risk. (I have been having some issues with my ovarian reserve) 

But knowing that, doesnt change how I feel right now. It doesn't change the pain in my heart. I feel a sadness I never knew was possible. I loved that small teeny tiny baby more than I love most people I know. 

My feelings are real. And they hurt like hell. I know that this happened because there was some Abnormality or issue with the development- but that doesn't change the love I had for my baby. 

I am not discouraged. I know that when it is right it will happen. I have faith that next time I will carry full term and have a healthy baby, but right now- I am hurting. 

I don't know what else to say... 

This quote feels right right now...

"We asked god for a baby, instead he gave us an angel" 

I am still a mom- I am just a mom to an angel. 

Love you forever lil punkin. 

Long time

I haven't blogged in a long time. And I think it's because I have been happy. It feels like it's easier to write when I am upset or stressed out. But life has been happy, content.

Me and camerin are moving forward, and beginning to plan for having a baby. I am not pregnant- but we are going to start trying soon. I am beyond excited

Dear Chelsea

Dear 9 year old Chelsea- You are amazing. simply said. Your energy and spirit is infectious, there isn't a person who meets you that doesn't fall in love with you. Your confidence is admirable and something to hold on to. Don't let the things that people say bring you down and make you change who you are. You are not fat and worthless like you think you are. You are beautiful. Changing your weight will not change who you are, it is not what defines you. You are so much more than your weight. You are an amazing girl, who can conquer the world. The world is yours for the taking. Don't forget that.



Dear 12 year old Chelsea- The things being said about you do not define you. the mean things that kids are saying do not change what an amazing person you are. the size of your jeans doesn't take away from all the beauty you have. People who bring you down, and make fun of you are not people you want in your life. Think about the people you do have in your life, and how wonderful they make you feel. You do not need to lose weight to be a good person. You do not need to be any different then you are. You are perfect the way you are. Obsessing about your weight will only harm you in the end. Your worth is not measured by the scale or the things kids say about you. you are beautiful. tell yourself that everyday. you are going to change the world someday.



Dear 16 year old Chelsea- High school sucks, but you will get through. and believe it or not. you will look back it more fondly then you think you will. You are stronger and better then the things people are saying. Ignore them. Don't let them effect you. you are worth more then you think you are. The scars you are inflicting on yourself are not worth it- even though they seem like it right now. no amount of your own blood that spill will make you feel better. no diet you go on will make you happier. you know who are, and let that person shine. you are amazing.



Dear 21 year old Chelsea- Your life is going to get even more amazing then it already is. i promise you that. You are going to meet an amazing person that make everything make sense. Your self hatred needs to end. Start seeing yourself through other peoples eyes- then you will see how beautiful you are. It's great that you have put in the work to get healthy. but don't take it too far. You don't need to prove anything to anyone. because you are great the way you are. I promise. There is NOTHING about you that needs to change.



Dear 26 year old Chelsea- Your life has become unmanageable. You have an eating disorder, but that doesn't mean you are broken. You will get through this, and it will get better. You have an amazing support system around you, use them. They are there to help you. When you don't think you are beautiful, look to them. They will help show you just how beautiful you really are. You have done the right things to get better. You admitted your problem and the treatment you are receiving is going to work. Don't ever give up hope. Life is beautiful- start believing that.

Love, Almost 27 year old Chelsea P.S. Never forget that you are loved.

selfish vs. selfless

i have always considered myself a selfless person.

self·less

adjective

having little or no concern for oneself, especially with regard to fame, position, money, etc.; unselfish.

for as long as i can remember i have always cared more about others than myself. however, in looking at it now in regards to my eating disorder... i have been entirely selfish and not selfless. 

self·ish

adjective

1.devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others.

2.characterized by or manifesting concern or care only for oneself: selfish motives.

i truly believed that my eating disorder only affected me, and did not hurt anyone else. It was mine. No one knew about it, so no one had to be concerned about it. but i was wrong. everyone was affected.

when i wouldn't be able to attend a social event because of fear of eating and people seeing me eat, it affected my friendships.
when me and my husband couldn't go out to dinner without me being filled with guilt and shame it affected our relationship.
when the fear of binging at my parents house kept me from coming over and visiting, it affected our connection, which i had always been so proud of. 

the truth is that my eating disorder has kept me from a lot of things, and has also had an affect on every relationship in my life. and now that i am in recovery- that doesn't mean that changes.

my husband now has to worry about if i am eating too little or too much or if this next time we go out to eat will be ok and worry free or if it will be filled with anxiety. He has to go with me to the gym, because i might have an anxiety attack, or i might push myself too far. I might be triggered. He has to think about my eating disorder almost as much as i do, and i had never really thought about that until just now. I have asked so much of him without even thinking about it. He has given up a lot in order to support me, and be there for every need i might have. 

i am sure he would give anything to have one day where i don't ask him if i am fat, or ask him if he likes my body. he deserves that. he goes above and beyond to show me how beautiful he thinks i am and how i am his dream girl, but i never believe him. i always ask again, and again. if he stopped telling me those things one day, i wouldn't blame him. it sounds exhausting. 

my family is the same way. they go out of their way to tell me how wonderful i am, how good i look, how beautiful i am. They check up on me, and help me through every panic attack, or binge or any other eating disorder behaviors i am doing at the time. My parents and brother have always thought i was beautiful. Even when i was heavy. None of them saw what i saw. And i always just thought they were lying to me. feeding me a bunch of bullshit, because they didn't want to hurt my feelings. the truth is- they weren't lying. no one ever was. all they ever saw was who i was, the real chelsea. and they always thought i was beautiful. 

i owe it to them to believe them. Because that fact is- i am NEVER going to see myself the way everyone else does. I will ALWAYS see a new stretch mark, another place i could lose weight, something to perfect, whatever it may be- i will always see a flaw. I will never look in the mirror and see a true representation of what i look like, because my view is jaded. my view is blocked by my insecurities, and by all the bullshit i believe to be an absolute truth. 

i have always told myself that if the people in my life thought i was beautiful and good enough, and if they really meant it, that i would be fine. but the problem isn't that they don't mean it, the problem is that i don't know how to believe them. and that is unfair of me. No one is lying to me. they are telling the truth. i am the one lying to myself. telling myself that i need to be this way or that way, and then i will be perfect. i actually had a conversation with my mom where i sat there and told her i was ugly, and that i knew it was true, and that she didn't have to lie to me anymore.  i remember that conversation vividly. i remember how sad my mom looked when i told her this. i think back on this conversation a lot. because it shows how jaded my view of myself is. and shows just how sick i was. 

thank you to those who are still here. still standing by my side. because i know i have not made it easy. and i know that my eating disorder has affected you as well. Thank you for being selfless when i was being selfish. i love you all, and i vow to try to see myself how you see me. and i vow to believe you when you tell me things about myself. i will stop questioning you, because i know in my heart- you would never lie to me.

 

 

Leading by example

I am going to be joining a couple girls in starting an EDA group and Intuitive Eating group.... our first group will be on april 6th...

i want to be an example- so that means i need to be more serious.
i have KIND of followed intuitive eating- but not entirely.
i have been making an effort to take it seriously the past few days... but it is hard. It goes against everything i have ever believed to be true... but i KNOW that it will work. i need remind myself of that everyday. That the freedom will come eventually, and that even though my thoughts will probably never go away- i have the choice to listen to them.

breathe.

Today is one of those days

When my brain won't shut up. It is one of those days when I shouldn't spend a lot of time alone- because all I am doing is over analyzing, scarring myself and make things ridiculous.

I wish I could just let go... Of all the things in my mind that hurt me- but I simply don't know how...

Today is gonna be a long day...

The perks of being a wallflower...

Easily one of my favorite books. I still remember how I felt the first time I read it when I was in high school. It always hit home and meant a lot to me.

I just watched the movie, for the third time. This time me and camerin watched it with the commentary- it was amazing. Listening to what Stephen had to say and what all the actors had to say made the film that much more powerful.

If anyone that reads this hasn't seen it, or hasn't read the book, please do. You will not regret it... It is simply amazing.

it started

the workout routine started on friday. My bestie is being my motivator/personal trainer. She pushed me hard that night, but it felt amazing. and thinking about how good it is going to feel when the exercises become easier- is very exciting. I have been super sore since friday, and have not made it back to the gym yet, but i am going tomorrow, and plan on doing some yoga tonight.

working out with her felt very inspiring and not like work at all. Even though it was hard, and i struggled at times, it felt more like good times with my best friend then anything else. and i felt truly cared for. the main goal of all of this, is to gain a healthy positive relationship with my body, and i truly feel like that is what she wants to, and that she truly cares about me achieving that. she is pretty amazing. i am completely blessed to call her my best friend and have her in my life.

i am excited for this part of the journey on the road to recovery.

dont want to be afraid

i am constantly afraid.

afraid of going back to my eating disorder
afraid of gaining weight
afraid of working out
afraid of losing camerin
afraid of any type of change
afraid of taking a zumba class even though i love doing it at home
afraid to let people down
afraid to be myself (most people think i am myself - when the reality is i am only being 50% authentic at best)

i could list my fears forever, but i am gonna stop before i get carried away. i think its natural to be afraid, and i think that fears can make us stronger, however they can only make us stronger if we overcome them. and i have not overcome any of mine.

the first thing i want to address is my fear to be myself completely. i think i have been working on that, and am proud of the steps i have taken. I am the only me there will ever be, so i need to embrace it, right? Embrace. fitting that that words comes to mind now, when that was the word i received for advancing in my eating disorder treatment. maybe i never took that seriously- what that word really meant and why it was chosen for me. i want to EMBRACE chelsea, and who she really is. because i think she is probably way more amazing than i have ever imagined she could be. i want to express myself more. when i was the most insecure, i was also expressing myself the most. i want to harness some of that again.

second thing- i am working on letting go of my fear of working out. i am afraid of getting too obsessed with it, and i am also afraid of what will happen if i do not work out. i have gone to the gym a few times in the past couple weeks, which was a huge accomplishment for me. and i now have a plan with my bestie, and she is going to help me stay motivated to continue to a place of positivity with my body.  i am excited for this. i can't wait for this. i just need to keep my eye on the finish line. because what i really want is to have a positive relationship with my body. and to accept it.

i will continue going through these fears and my plan for conquering them later... 

frustration

i am feeling frustrated. and i am not good with feeling frustrated. it is an icky feeling, and always makes me feel super depressed.

i spent a good chunk of my day today feeling very depressed and down about things that only i can change. I am working on changes those things, but have been feeling.... hmmm... stuck. i think that is the best way to describe it. i need a place to vent about it, and talk about how i am feeling- however i feel guilty whenever i do that. i feel like i overwhelm them with my mundane bullshit that is going on in my head.

i think its really easy to get into a negative down slide, where everything that goes into my head, comes out in a negative way. and that is not who i want to be at all. i work very hard to stay positive all the time, however- there are times when that is really hard to do.

i am making some positive changes. my bestie is going to be my "mentor" and help me get on track with my fitness goals, and develop a positive relationship with my body- and i couldn't be more appreciative of it.

i know i need to carve out more time for the activities and hobbies that i enjoy, and i honestly going to start trying. Camerin has been challenging me to do that more, and i appreciate that so much. He has helped me start drawing again- which feels pretty amazing.

this blog is kind of all over the place, but anyways.

Processing...

I have had a few hard days/moments this week... And they have given me the chance to reflect and process just what I am actually feeling...

I am kind of at war with myself right now...

I am not unhappy with the way I look right now. I am content with it- however I do like the way I look when I am a little smaller better... When I am more in shape.

The dilemma is- finding the balance.

I feel guilty and mad for wanting to lose some weight- because that feels like it is against everything I have learned. However I know that physically I feel better when I weigh a little less then I do right now.

I feel scared about working out more. I am afraid of getting carried away and focusing too much on my body- however I know I am happier and feel better physically when I am more active.

So there lays the dilemma.

Balance.

I have decided to go to the gym 3 days a week for 30 minutes each day. I think that is balanced. When I remember being happiest and most confident was when I was actively going to the gym 3 days a week.

I will not count calories or "diet". But what I will do is be more aware of my food choices and eat things that make me FEEL good. I think that is balanced.

Balance will be my new goal.

Indescribable

I can't really figure out how I am feeling right now. Food wise I am fine, body image is fine as well... But I feel kinda sad- but not entirely sad... But I also feel like anything could make me cry right now...

Maybe I am stressed? Exhausted? Burnt? All of these are possible and probably part of the equation. Whatever it is- I hope it goes away soon...

positive week

last week was a really good week for me.

i felt like i was in a very positive place, and felt very content with myself. My body image was good, and i felt confident and beautiful. it was a wonderful change of pace.

i went to the gym for the first time since completing treatment, and it was way easier than i had thought it would be. I definitely had some negative thoughts while there, and was slightly triggered- however i was able to combat my negative thoughts and make it through my workout. i went back to the gym on sunday as well- so now i have 2 trips to the gym under my belt. i made an adjustment the 2nd time- i brought a towel with me, and covered up the calorie counter on the machine. not seeing the calories was definitely easier.

today i am kinda having a hard day- but i am trying to remember the amazing week i had last week. tomorrow i know will be a better day and i will be back to feeling how good i felt last week.

Lady gaga hangover

On Thursday I went and saw lady gaga in San Jose. It was an amazing show as always. This was my 6th time seeing her. On Wednesday night my brother and I camped out at hp pavilion to get a good spot in line. It was quite the experience- and totally worth it.

This may sound cheesy- but I don't really care. I love lady gaga and everything she represents. She stands up for individuality and bravery. Her music and who she is makes me feel more confident.

I hadn't felt very confident lately- but going to the show made me feel a lot better. Made me think about how I want to accept and embrace who I am, instead of always trying to change it.

It has been an interesting couple weeks- 2013 is off to a good start body wise. I have definitely struggled- but have made it through those struggles. And I think I have had more good days then bad days.

I feel confident that the good days will continue... I am gonna start going to the gym again this week, which is a huge step- and something I am very scared of, but I need to do it. I miss the way working out made me feel. It made me feel healthy- and that is all I want right now.

Body image

Body image body image body image

Infecting my thoughts right now. I am trying desperately to stop it.

Physically I am pain right now- my stomach is hurting and my acid reflux is acting up-which is assisting with constant thinking about my stomach- which makes me examine and over analyze my body.

It's a viscous cycle.

I think it is just time for bed. I think that's the only thing that will stop the thoughts.

heart

for the first time in my life, i am deciding to use my heart for myself.

i have always taken pride in being loving, and seeing the world and everyone in it with my heart and not my eyes. however i have never applied that same thinking to the way i see myself. i have always viewed myself through my eyes, with big tinted, jaded glasses on.

the fact is- if i keep looking at myself without my heart, i will never be satisfied with myself. i will always see this image i have decided is what i am.

i lost a significant amount of weight 4 1/2 years ago- and yet when i look in the mirror or at photos of myself i still see that same girl before the weight loss. That is how i came to realize i had an eating disorder.

i have never been able to see what everyone else sees when they look at me, and i think i probably never will. But i am ok with that. i just want to see myself with my heart now. and even if i don't see what i think i should or what everyone else does, i want to be ok with that.

i want to love myself.

i have always thought that loving yourself meant you were conceded. But now i know that it means you are confident. i want to love the things about myself that i have always hated.  it is gonna be hard, i know that. it is going to be harder than i can even imagine at this point, but at the end i will be ok, and will be happy with myself.

the first thing i want to work on loving about myself is the thing i hate the most.
my stomach.
i can't remember ever being ok with my stomach. i have always had an issue with it. when i was overweight it was that it was too big, when i was at my lowest weight, it was the stretch marks and loose skin from the weight loss. there has never been a time when i was totally ok with it.

Now i know this is not a goal i can achieve overnight. In fact i wouldn't be surprised if it took me a year or more to get to a place of acceptance of my stomach. But i vow today- that everytime i think something negative about my stomach - i will pay attention, and replace that thought with something positive.

"Pristine in 2013"

i spent NYE with 3 of the most important people in my life. My husband, my brother and my best friend. Through a night of drinks, food, music, games, and prank phone calls- we were searching for a slogan for 2013. What came out was "Pristine in 2013".

pris-tine adjective

1: belonging to the earliest period or state : original <the hypothetical pristine lunar atmosphere>

2 a : not spoiled, corrupted, or polluted (as by civilization) : pure <a pristine forest>

b : fresh and clean as or as if new <used books in pristine condition>

 

i particularly like "not spoiled, corrupted or polluted". and have found the best way to apply this to myself. my new years resolution is to RECOVER (for real) to be MINDFUL (honestly) to ACCEPT myself (completely) and to LOVE myself (for who i am). 

 

i have spent my entire life trying to change myself to fit what i thought i needed to be. to fit with what everyone else was doing.   i have spent most of my life being ashamed of myself, and beating myself when there wasn't anyone else to do it for me. 

 

i was bullied a lot from 4th grade to 12th grade. but the biggest bully in my life has been myself. i have made sure to always keep myself down- to beat myself up for any little thing i did wrong. i pride myself on being non judgemental, yet i constantly judge myself. 

 

No one is responsible for making me feel the way i feel, and no one is responsible for my eating disorder other than myself. Others may have contributed to it, but i have allowed it to become what it is now. 

 

i went through treatment- played the role, didn't everything i needed to it. i believed in recovery, truly. i was myself and was gaining so much out of it. but when i got out of treatment, and had to do the real work myself, i have fallen short. i am not upset at myself, i think it is all part of the process. and i think i just used treatment as another crutch- if i didn't believe in me, or accept me- they did- so that was enough. 

 

i am done with that thinking. and i am done with relying on everyone and everything else in my life to pump me up. i NEED to start believing in my own self. and to love my own self. on my own. in my way. 

 

i NEED to take my recovery seriously. i NEED to take care of ME, and not just pretend to, which is what i have been doing.

 

so to me, "Pristine in 2013" equates to not polluting myself with; negativity body talk, eating disorder thoughts and behaviors. I will no longer stand for beating myself up, and being my own biggest bully. i am gonna clean up my act- and the way i treat myself.