Lately i have been feeling a strong desire for alone time. thats rare for me. i am usually one of those people who hates being alone. right now- thats all i want.
i find myself staying late at work, just so i can get 15 minutes by myself.
there is nothing bad at home. Me and Camerin are great- but sometimes at the end of the day- i just don't feel like going home.
for the first time in my life, i want to go on vacation by myself. just go to a hotel for a night or two, and do whatever i want to do, which would most likely be nothing. and that sounds amazing. maybe drink a bottle (or 2) of wine, and just forget the world.
Ever since losing the baby, i have had this urge. I want to shut out the world, if only for a few minutes. i know i have been isolating myself, but i don't care. it is honestly what i need.
I feel like when i am alone- i have no one i need to impress. no one to take care of. no one that needs me. and that is refreshing.
i am not looking for sympathy, or pity or anything. but being me, can be exhausting. through treatment i have tried to learn how to take care of myself, how to set boundaries, etc. But it doesn't always work. I was created to be the way i am. And i fully accept and appreciate the gift i was given by god. I truly view it as a gift. I am blessed to be sympathetic, empathetic, caring, understanding, giving, etc, etc. but the problem with it is, that no one can give me what i give them. i have a high standard, a high desire for the same care to be given to me- and it just doesn't exist. and i think that is true for everyone. We all have these expectations, standards. we expect people to treat us the way we would treat them or others. but that is not achievable.
we are all unique, and give and care for people in our own way- so no one will ever be able to do it the way that we do.
its just like my mom asking me to do chores as a kid. I would do them, but not the way she would.
we can't hold people to our same standards. unless you give nothing- then i suppose you could. but for me, i can't.
i never expect anyone to handle me and my needs the way i would handle theirs. So in moments of my life, where i feel how i feel right now, i would rather be alone- and handle and care for myself. Because i am the only one who will give me the care i need.
i am definitely rambling now. and this post probably makes absolutely no sense.
with my miscarriage- there is no one who knows what to say- because no one is feeling what i am feeling. The only person who understands is camerin. And i am not saying that to be a bitch- but its the truth. no matter how sad my family is, or my friends are, it wasn't their baby- so there is no way they feel what i am feeling.
there are also NO words they can say to make anything better. In fact- i wish people wouldn't say anything. just give me a hug.
so often when people are hurting, we search for words to say, and ways to relate. When in reality there is no way we can. in those moments all we can do is listen, and give hugs and affection.
i don't want to hear "it will get better with time" , "it is probably for the better", "at least you were only 8 weeks pregnant", "at least you didn't have a stillborn", "it happened for a reason", "i miss the baby too", "you will feel better when you get pregnant again", "don't be scared, you got pregnant, you can get pregnant again", etc, etc... i could go on for days. all of those words hurt more than they help.
i have gotten away from the point of this blog. the point is. i just want to be alone. and the fact that i want to be alone so badly, kind of scares me. makes me nervous. but it mostly makes me nervous because i don't know how to explain it. everyone asks questions, because it is so not like me. all i can say is, its nothing against anyone in my life right now, but chances are i don't want to hang out, and i don't know when i will want to again... please accept that for being that simple. there is nothing else to it, except that. i just want to be alone.
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