Angel mom

Haven't blogged in awhile. I have my reasons. Recovery is fine. And that is not why I wasn't blogging. 

First I think I just wanted a break. A time to be "normal"

Second thing- I was pregnant. 

Today me and camerin went in my first ultrasound. I was 8 weeks and 3 days pregnant. We were going to see the heartbeat of our little baby, only there wasn't a heartbeat. And our baby was only developed for around 7 weeks and 4 days. Baby had stopped living about a week ago. In an instant I felt my entire heart shatter and my world was immediately changed. 

I was not naive. I knew miscarriage was a possible. And not only possible- I was at a higher risk. (I have been having some issues with my ovarian reserve) 

But knowing that, doesnt change how I feel right now. It doesn't change the pain in my heart. I feel a sadness I never knew was possible. I loved that small teeny tiny baby more than I love most people I know. 

My feelings are real. And they hurt like hell. I know that this happened because there was some Abnormality or issue with the development- but that doesn't change the love I had for my baby. 

I am not discouraged. I know that when it is right it will happen. I have faith that next time I will carry full term and have a healthy baby, but right now- I am hurting. 

I don't know what else to say... 

This quote feels right right now...

"We asked god for a baby, instead he gave us an angel" 

I am still a mom- I am just a mom to an angel. 

Love you forever lil punkin.