reality

everyday reality sets in more and more. everyday is another reminder that i am not pregnant anymore. every baby i see is another baby that isn't mine. as if the struggle of overcoming my loss wasn't enough- today ED has decided to make a vicious comeback. Louder and stronger than ever before. i am not exaggerating in the slightest when i say that ALL DAY i have been thinking about my body. Every thing i have eaten today has been a struggle. Every bite was a mental battle where ED was telling me not to eat. All i want to do right now is not eat. i know i can't do that. i know that ED won't work the way he did before. and that i can't take him back into my life. but right now- he seems like a nice distraction. i want so badly to not feel any of the things i am feeling right now- that i really don't care if it hurts me. i want to sit and cry. for hours, for days, for weeks. I want so much to not wake up every morning and put my happy face on. I want to escape. i want to go back in time. I want to be pregnant again. i want a lot of things. but more than anything, i want to be happy. and i want to feel like myself again. i don't know who this chelsea is. I miss the old chelsea. will i ever get the old chelsea back? i guess that is something to think about. How can i ever be that person again? i am changed. nothing will ever be the same as it was. and maybe thats the hardest part about all of this. i want to forget. i want to pretend nothing happened. i want to pretend i was never pregnant. that i was never walking in the baby aisles, planning my future childs whole life. i want it to have just been a really crazy dream with a really bad ending. but thats not reality. and i know i have to face reality. but how? how is that even possible with ED breathing down my neck? i don't like these feelings. they are very much unwelcome in my life. but i don't know how to stop them. when i left treatment- i felt so strong. so powerful. so full of life. Lately i feel weak. powerless. sad. i want that to change.