self·less
adjective
having little or no concern for oneself, especially with regard to fame, position, money, etc.; unselfish.
for as long as i can remember i have always cared more about others than myself. however, in looking at it now in regards to my eating disorder... i have been entirely selfish and not selfless.
self·ish
adjective
1.devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others.
2.characterized by or manifesting concern or care only for oneself: selfish motives.
i truly believed that my eating disorder only affected me, and did not hurt anyone else. It was mine. No one knew about it, so no one had to be concerned about it. but i was wrong. everyone was affected.
the truth is that my eating disorder has kept me from a lot of things, and has also had an affect on every relationship in my life. and now that i am in recovery- that doesn't mean that changes.
my husband now has to worry about if i am eating too little or too much or if this next time we go out to eat will be ok and worry free or if it will be filled with anxiety. He has to go with me to the gym, because i might have an anxiety attack, or i might push myself too far. I might be triggered. He has to think about my eating disorder almost as much as i do, and i had never really thought about that until just now. I have asked so much of him without even thinking about it. He has given up a lot in order to support me, and be there for every need i might have.
i am sure he would give anything to have one day where i don't ask him if i am fat, or ask him if he likes my body. he deserves that. he goes above and beyond to show me how beautiful he thinks i am and how i am his dream girl, but i never believe him. i always ask again, and again. if he stopped telling me those things one day, i wouldn't blame him. it sounds exhausting.
my family is the same way. they go out of their way to tell me how wonderful i am, how good i look, how beautiful i am. They check up on me, and help me through every panic attack, or binge or any other eating disorder behaviors i am doing at the time. My parents and brother have always thought i was beautiful. Even when i was heavy. None of them saw what i saw. And i always just thought they were lying to me. feeding me a bunch of bullshit, because they didn't want to hurt my feelings. the truth is- they weren't lying. no one ever was. all they ever saw was who i was, the real chelsea. and they always thought i was beautiful.
i owe it to them to believe them. Because that fact is- i am NEVER going to see myself the way everyone else does. I will ALWAYS see a new stretch mark, another place i could lose weight, something to perfect, whatever it may be- i will always see a flaw. I will never look in the mirror and see a true representation of what i look like, because my view is jaded. my view is blocked by my insecurities, and by all the bullshit i believe to be an absolute truth.
i have always told myself that if the people in my life thought i was beautiful and good enough, and if they really meant it, that i would be fine. but the problem isn't that they don't mean it, the problem is that i don't know how to believe them. and that is unfair of me. No one is lying to me. they are telling the truth. i am the one lying to myself. telling myself that i need to be this way or that way, and then i will be perfect. i actually had a conversation with my mom where i sat there and told her i was ugly, and that i knew it was true, and that she didn't have to lie to me anymore. i remember that conversation vividly. i remember how sad my mom looked when i told her this. i think back on this conversation a lot. because it shows how jaded my view of myself is. and shows just how sick i was.
thank you to those who are still here. still standing by my side. because i know i have not made it easy. and i know that my eating disorder has affected you as well. Thank you for being selfless when i was being selfish. i love you all, and i vow to try to see myself how you see me. and i vow to believe you when you tell me things about myself. i will stop questioning you, because i know in my heart- you would never lie to me.
i truly believed that my eating disorder only affected me, and did not hurt anyone else. It was mine. No one knew about it, so no one had to be concerned about it. but i was wrong. everyone was affected.
when i wouldn't be able to attend a social event because of fear of eating and people seeing me eat, it affected my friendships.
when me and my husband couldn't go out to dinner without me being filled with guilt and shame it affected our relationship.
when the fear of binging at my parents house kept me from coming over and visiting, it affected our connection, which i had always been so proud of.
when me and my husband couldn't go out to dinner without me being filled with guilt and shame it affected our relationship.
when the fear of binging at my parents house kept me from coming over and visiting, it affected our connection, which i had always been so proud of.
the truth is that my eating disorder has kept me from a lot of things, and has also had an affect on every relationship in my life. and now that i am in recovery- that doesn't mean that changes.
my husband now has to worry about if i am eating too little or too much or if this next time we go out to eat will be ok and worry free or if it will be filled with anxiety. He has to go with me to the gym, because i might have an anxiety attack, or i might push myself too far. I might be triggered. He has to think about my eating disorder almost as much as i do, and i had never really thought about that until just now. I have asked so much of him without even thinking about it. He has given up a lot in order to support me, and be there for every need i might have.
i am sure he would give anything to have one day where i don't ask him if i am fat, or ask him if he likes my body. he deserves that. he goes above and beyond to show me how beautiful he thinks i am and how i am his dream girl, but i never believe him. i always ask again, and again. if he stopped telling me those things one day, i wouldn't blame him. it sounds exhausting.
my family is the same way. they go out of their way to tell me how wonderful i am, how good i look, how beautiful i am. They check up on me, and help me through every panic attack, or binge or any other eating disorder behaviors i am doing at the time. My parents and brother have always thought i was beautiful. Even when i was heavy. None of them saw what i saw. And i always just thought they were lying to me. feeding me a bunch of bullshit, because they didn't want to hurt my feelings. the truth is- they weren't lying. no one ever was. all they ever saw was who i was, the real chelsea. and they always thought i was beautiful.
i owe it to them to believe them. Because that fact is- i am NEVER going to see myself the way everyone else does. I will ALWAYS see a new stretch mark, another place i could lose weight, something to perfect, whatever it may be- i will always see a flaw. I will never look in the mirror and see a true representation of what i look like, because my view is jaded. my view is blocked by my insecurities, and by all the bullshit i believe to be an absolute truth.
i have always told myself that if the people in my life thought i was beautiful and good enough, and if they really meant it, that i would be fine. but the problem isn't that they don't mean it, the problem is that i don't know how to believe them. and that is unfair of me. No one is lying to me. they are telling the truth. i am the one lying to myself. telling myself that i need to be this way or that way, and then i will be perfect. i actually had a conversation with my mom where i sat there and told her i was ugly, and that i knew it was true, and that she didn't have to lie to me anymore. i remember that conversation vividly. i remember how sad my mom looked when i told her this. i think back on this conversation a lot. because it shows how jaded my view of myself is. and shows just how sick i was.
thank you to those who are still here. still standing by my side. because i know i have not made it easy. and i know that my eating disorder has affected you as well. Thank you for being selfless when i was being selfish. i love you all, and i vow to try to see myself how you see me. and i vow to believe you when you tell me things about myself. i will stop questioning you, because i know in my heart- you would never lie to me.
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