i am constantly afraid.
afraid of going back to my eating disorder
afraid of gaining weight
afraid of working out
afraid of losing camerin
afraid of any type of change
afraid of taking a zumba class even though i love doing it at home
afraid to let people down
afraid to be myself (most people think i am myself - when the reality is i am only being 50% authentic at best)
i could list my fears forever, but i am gonna stop before i get carried away. i think its natural to be afraid, and i think that fears can make us stronger, however they can only make us stronger if we overcome them. and i have not overcome any of mine.
the first thing i want to address is my fear to be myself completely. i think i have been working on that, and am proud of the steps i have taken. I am the only me there will ever be, so i need to embrace it, right? Embrace. fitting that that words comes to mind now, when that was the word i received for advancing in my eating disorder treatment. maybe i never took that seriously- what that word really meant and why it was chosen for me. i want to EMBRACE chelsea, and who she really is. because i think she is probably way more amazing than i have ever imagined she could be. i want to express myself more. when i was the most insecure, i was also expressing myself the most. i want to harness some of that again.
second thing- i am working on letting go of my fear of working out. i am afraid of getting too obsessed with it, and i am also afraid of what will happen if i do not work out. i have gone to the gym a few times in the past couple weeks, which was a huge accomplishment for me. and i now have a plan with my bestie, and she is going to help me stay motivated to continue to a place of positivity with my body. i am excited for this. i can't wait for this. i just need to keep my eye on the finish line. because what i really want is to have a positive relationship with my body. and to accept it.
i will continue going through these fears and my plan for conquering them later...
No comments:
Post a Comment