Getting caught up in the "Why Me"

this week has been challenging so far. This sunday would have been the completion of my first trimester... if i was still pregnant. This week would have been the week where i was getting all excited and ready to tell everyone... instead i am crying and not sleeping. i don't think i have slept since i saw my babies heart not beating. everyday i feel more and more exhausted. But i am trying to keep pushing through. This week though... is hard. this month is pregnancy & infant loss awareness month. That doesn't help either.

i have been real positive for the most part. but today and this week, i find myself getting caught up in the "why me".

Why me? Why us?

I am married, to an amazing husband. We both have good jobs. We are both healthy. We pay our bills on time, are responsible, aren't addicted to anything, etc, etc... We waited 2 years to try for a baby so we could have that time to grow and become fully prepared(or as prepared as you can be). We have done everything the way it is "supposed" to be done, and yet we lose our baby while teen mom can't cast their shows fast enough...

I was raised to be a non-judgemental person, but right now- i am finding that harder and harder to do. I know everyone has there own struggles. But when i am getting lab work done, or going in to have a second ultrasound to make sure they weren't wrong, it is hard to see pregnant 16-20 year olds.

the only thing i have ever wanted from my life, is to be a mom. I swear, thats it. My mom is the most amazing mom, and my whole life all i have wanted to do was be a mom like her. So losing our baby, feels like my dreams were stolen.

i am trying to push through the "why me" and the judging. trying to break through the bitterness and the sadness, but its hard. sometimes are better then others. today- is a bad day. Yesterday was ok. Hopefully tomorrow will be good.