Indescribable

I dont know how to describe the way I am feeling right now... I feel sad... Anxious, frustrated, overwhelmed, angry... And so much more.

I hear Ed. He wants me to not eat. I want me to not eat. I have gained weight... And I am not supposed to care- but I do.

Even though I have gained, I have continued to eat everyday... Even though it's hard.

I can't lie and say I don't miss those days when I could just give in to Ed and not eat for a few days... Everytime I eat now, I feel weak.

I felt stronger then... Healthier then. I know I wasn't either of those, but that's how it felt.

I know to much now- now if I give in- it doesn't have the same satisfaction....

Someday maybe I will feel happy, secure and content... Until then I am floating in this weird space that I find hard to describe...

Hard

Ed is loud... My upset stomach is loud... My brain is loud.

I wish everything would just be quiet...

Today has been a really good day... (emotionally) and a bad day (eating) I don't feel much like fighting Ed right now... I feel tired and weak... But I just dont care.

I feel depressed, insecure, and not good enough...

Will this ever go away?

I had been having a pretty good day as far as Ed is concerned, but I decided to get in the pool with my family... And that was a mistake. I hated what I saw in the mirror. I hate my stomach more that I will ever be able to explain.

I feel disgusting, ugly and huge. I know "feeling fat" isn't a real emotion- but I don't know what the actual emotion underneath it is right now. And I don't feel like fighting it.

I am too tired to even cry.

Friendships

This isnt really eating disorder related, but it is on my mind...

Friendships.

I have had several friendships, like most of us have... I have even been lucky to have a few best friends. But what is on my mind is when those friendships change. When neither one of you want to put in the effort anymore, when you truly drift apart and no longer actually know each other.

When does that happen? And why can't you see it until it too late?

If I had seen it coming would I have tried to stop it? I don't honestly know the answer to that. I like to believe I would have.

I know high school doesn't last forever and I know that I made the choice to move away. But I can't help but be jealous sometimes of my old friends, and wish I was back there with all of them...

But at the same time, if I hadn't moved and experienced the things I have experienced I wouldnt be who I am today. It's a catch 22.

I long for a group of friends. Friends that go on trips together, go out to dinner, have party's and get together a. For someone who social anxiety, I actually really enjoy being with people...

I have always taken pride in the fact that I believe I am a good friend to people. But I am sitting here thinking that I am not as good of a friend as I should be. I have friends here. I have people who would be down to hang out, I choose not to hang out. Is it my eating disorder that has held me back? Sure in some ways. But it also my fear. Fear of being annoying. Fear of abandonment and fear of rejection.

I need to make some changes. I can't live in that fear anymore. Human contact and socialization are too important to me to let that fear rule my life...

Weird...

I am feeling off today. I have definitely done too much drinking in the past week... And that has led to unhealthy food choices, which has led to this weighed down icky feeling.

I don't feel like starving or restricting... But I feel disconnected... From my hunger and my body... I want so badly to be connected to my body... To feel proud of it, content, satisfied. But it feels like a unrealistic dream... And it feels impossible.

I will settle for being indifferent. Neutral. Not having an opinion either way. Even that sounds like a better option...

This is all a process I know, and I know it gets easier each day- or it does eventually... But I feel impatient right now...

Trying a little harder..

I have been pretty hard on myself lately.. And focusing on the bad things.

I watched a demi lovato music video yesterday, and I starting thinking about her and her struggle with her eating disorder. I thought about how beautiful I think she is and how strong she is. I channeled that into myself and tried to be more positive and easy on myself...

The truth is that I am gonna have hard days, and days where I may eat more then I want and things like that, but as long as I can learn something from each of those days, it is still progress. Recovery isn't going to happen overnight- it is gonna be a long hard battle but I will win in the end. I will have my freedom.

Gaining

I have gained weight. I know I have. I haven't stepped on a scale, but I can feel it. In everything... My clothes, the way my body feels when moving and sitting, everything.

I know I am not supposed to care... That my weight isn't supposed to matter... But I don't like this feeling... I am fine with being "ok" or "fine" with my weight and accepting it... But not if I gain weight. I know regardless of what I weigh it doesn't change who I am or any of those things, but I still don't want to gain weight.

It feels terrible.

I don't like this...

At all.

One of those days

Somedays I don't feeling like fighting ED... Today is one of those days.

I just don't care today. He can beat me up all day, I won't fight today.