thursday

another day. 

i am trying to stop myself from eating at night. i seem to always binge a little bit right before going to bed- this leads to lots of mornings with really bad stomach aches. i can't figure out why, because as i am eating i know exactly what i am doing. its a stupid cycle- so dumb

i haven't been eating a lot. and most of that is due to the fact that almost everything makes me feel sick. either physically or mentally. today i have had yogurt, and celery. real healthy i know...

wednesday

yesterday i had therapy. it went well. we talked a lot about my feelings when i eat... and also the physical side of my stomach, and how much of an effect that is having on me.

It is ridiculously hard to become mentally ok with eating- when 90% of the things i eat make my stomach hurt. it is clear that there is a physical problem as well as a mental one. my therapist told me to be more assertive with my doctor, when asking for more tests to be done, and what not. i have gotten a referral now to go to a specialist. that makes me very happy. maybe finally- after all these years of stomach aches we can figure out how to fix it.

It was also nice to hear my therapist say that she doesn't worry about me. that she doesn't think my eating habits are harming me or doing damage to my body. i was very thankful for that.

i really feel like once the physical problems with eating are figured out- that the mental and emotional stuff will be a lot easier to deal with. i feel ready to fully deal with it- and fully heal. i want to be better more than i can explain. and not just for everyone else- but for myself too (huge step).

stupid stupid stupid

i am feeling insecure right now. my stomach had hurt pretty much constantly for the past few days...

Last night, i wanted camerin to touch me, i wanted so bad to feel his hands on me. but then when he was touching me, all i could think about was how i hoped he couldn't feel how fat i have gotten, and i kept thinking about sucking my stomach in- to make sure it didn't stick out. he deserves a hot sexy wife- and i am non of those things. i couldn't even enjoy being in his arms, because of the thoughts in my mind. the only time i understand him touching me, or wanting to- is if it is going to lead to sex, or something sexual. thats the only time it makes sense to me. like i can understand why he would want to touch me if that was what he was trying to get. but i don't understand why he would want to touch me, just to touch me.

When i was overweight- the only time i got attention from guys- was when it was going to be something sexual. the only things that were "good" on my body were my boobs and my ass. that was all that ever got talked about. i don't feel sexy or confident in myself, unless someone is trying to get in my pants. so if camerin isn't trying to do that, then i don't feel sexy. and then i wonder- "why isn't he trying to?" and it all spirals from there. why doesn't my husband want to have sex with me? am i not pretty to him? Does he not find me sexually attractive? would he rather be with someone else? is he with someone else? its this vicious cycle- that i can't seem to stop. i am usually the more dominant one... which is fine for me, except now all i want is to be submissive... well not really. i just want to be desired- and thats not how i am feeling. but i can't blame camerin- its not his job to fix me. i just want to be per-sued by him right now... i want it to be his idea- i want to feel sexy...

This is stupid. i put way too much thought into all this. and all it ends up doing is making everything that much harder. puts too much pressure, makes it so much more complicated. trying to make things better- all i end up doing is making things a lot worse... why?

Eating is ok i guess- but not better. just ok. i ate bad this weekend- and felt awful about it- in fact i still do. i don't feel like eating anything- for awhile.

return to normalcy.... please...

i had thought things were getting easier... and i guess in some ways they are... the eating has been a little easier, but the stomach pains are still there, and the brain is still thinking terrible thoughts about myself.

sleep is still not happening. and now i am starting to actually feel depressed.

i just feel sad. most of the time.

i miss Camerin....

i want things to be normal. i am fighting everyday to just feel normal- for things to just be how they always were, and always are. i just want to come home and have it be how it was a month ago... before i got super stressed.. and everything felt so chaotic.... please. i don't know how much more i can do... i feel like i am doing everything to help make that happen....

i am my hair....

been a better few days then normal. which is beyond nice. a welcome break. still have crappy thoughts, but eating has been easier then usual. and i am super thankful for that.

I am still not sleeping- which is the most annoying thing ever right now. i wake up everyday feeling just as exhausted as i did when i went to bed. it takes everything i have to pull myself out of bed and make it through the day. i have zero motivation throughout the day, and no energy to do anything.

one good thing coming out of all of this is that i am learning more about myself. and who i am and what not. i am starting to feel inspired to paint, draw and create- which usually happens for me when everything is a mess!

i want to create. and i want to feel completely free... and comfortable in my own skin. i am working on it. i will get there.

yay for a good few days.

sleepless nights

i can't remember the last night that i actually slept- like the whole night through. I can't remember the last time i woke up feeling rested. it's been a least a month of not sleeping. and everyday i feel more and more exhausted. i want to take a nap- for like 3 days.

eating has been ok this week. except for last night. i binged last night. ate a giant bowl of cereal, then ate a bunch of chips. 10 minutes later- it was coming back up. I didn't force myself to throw up or anything- my acid reflux did. eating too fast always does that to me. needless to say i felt like crap the rest of the night.

the sick part is that when i was eating the chips- i was full, and i knew i was full, but i just didn't seem to care. i kept telling myself to stop, but i didn't. even worse- i just bought a bunch of fruits and vegetables- so that i would snack healthier- and of course instead of doing that i went for the last of the chips we had. i guess in a way its good- because now they are gone- so i can't eat them anymore.

i have been eating pretty good all week. i have had a salad everyday for lunch- and have made healthy dinners at home for me and cam. hopefully it is working. i know if i talked to anyone they would say i didn't need to lose weight- but i want to lose like 10-15 pounds. shouldn't be hard- i have lost a lot more before- this should be nothing. i won't really know if i have lost weight or not- i don't have a scale. and i don't want one. i mean i do- but i don't at the same time. i know that it wouldn't be healthy for me to have one. the only way i will know- is by the way my clothes fit and feel.

Cam is joining me in trying to lose weight, which helps a lot. it makes me feel more secure that i won't get carried away. and it makes me feel like i am helping him to do something he wants to do. i might get carried away- and take it too far... but i am feeling confident that i won't. i am still eating, multiple times a day- in fact more times then i had been before. i am just only eating when i am hungry, and i am making better choices.

i feel good right now-in regards to eating. i feel in control- of something. and thats nice.

i had nightmares last night- and have been a lot lately. i don't remember them really- but i remember waking up. and i remember feeling panicky. i hope they stop soon.

trying

trying to get better. to see things better. to understand. i want to see myself the way camerin sees me, the way my mom sees me, etc. i am actively trying- but its hard. i am not feeling so good today.

i have a physical stomach ache- which is just making me think about my stomach constantly- which makes everything worse. all i can think about it my stomach- how it looks, how it feels, etc.

i don't want to eat anything today. nothing. i already ate yogurt, and now my stomach hurts more then it did before. i know i will eat- but i don't want to.