Why did i just eat that ice cream cone? i know i wasn't hungry. but i wanted it. but now i just feel guilty about it. Same as those M&M's earlier. i am sabotaging myself- and i don't seem to really care- because i haven't stopped.
i have been allowing myself to eat a lot worse than usual- and i can't quite figure out why. i know i am super stressed right now- but usually i deal with stress by not eating- and just drinking more coffee... so why this time- am i allowing myself to eat instead? this needs to stop.
i will stop it.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Thursday, July 21, 2011
nothing
right now i feel like i can literally handle nothing. so many aspects of my life are up in the air, and out my control and it is driving me nuts. I don't do well with not having control- thats kind of how i got into this mess in the first place. a lot of the food stuff is about comfort and control. and here i am- feeling out of control again- and battling with the desire to control SOMETHING in my life... i dream about not eating. how good it feels to feel hungry, and feel in control. If i can't control anything else- at least i can control what i eat. sounds dumb i am sure. but its the truth.
i know i should look at this as a test- to show how far i have come, but i don't feel like i am far enough into my therapy to be faced with this right now. things are going to change- and thats fine. i am ok with change- in fact i am excited about change- what i am not excited for is how everything changing is up to everyone else- but yet its my life its effecting. doesn't seem fair or right. and it doesn't feel good.
i cried a lot last night- and it felt really good. i feel like crying now- in fact i feel like crying probably like 75% of the day lately. i don't feel depressed- at least not like i had before. i do feel like i am on the verge of a nervous breakdown. i feel exhausted. i could fall asleep right now.
my acid reflux has been bad again- but thats not a surprise- i am stressed and it is always worse when i am stressed. i want to take a vacation. i want to stop thinking. i want to not worry about eating. i want to feel normal.
i know i should look at this as a test- to show how far i have come, but i don't feel like i am far enough into my therapy to be faced with this right now. things are going to change- and thats fine. i am ok with change- in fact i am excited about change- what i am not excited for is how everything changing is up to everyone else- but yet its my life its effecting. doesn't seem fair or right. and it doesn't feel good.
i cried a lot last night- and it felt really good. i feel like crying now- in fact i feel like crying probably like 75% of the day lately. i don't feel depressed- at least not like i had before. i do feel like i am on the verge of a nervous breakdown. i feel exhausted. i could fall asleep right now.
my acid reflux has been bad again- but thats not a surprise- i am stressed and it is always worse when i am stressed. i want to take a vacation. i want to stop thinking. i want to not worry about eating. i want to feel normal.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
the past week
its been a little rough lately. not gonna lie. eating has been hard and life has been hard.
i got new medication- to speed up my digestive system- at first it seemed to be working, then it stopped working (or so it seemed) and now it kinda feels like it is. Who knows. Trick is- i need to take it 30 minutes before every meal- and before bed. I am supposed to take it 4 times a day... but i don't eat 3 times a day... at least i hadn't been. so now i have been trying to eat more- which goes against the whole intuitive eating thing. so frustrating.
i have gained weight too- which makes me mad. 5 pounds- which isn't a lot- but it feels like about 30 to me. i feel like my clothes are tighter- and that i look bad. it sucks.
I hurt myself the other morning. i was so upset and i couldn't control it. i punched my stomach, probably like 4 times. i felt relief for a moment, and then extreme guilt. i hate getting to that point. its one of the worst feelings ever. i told camerin about it- which took a lot of courage- and he was amazing about it. super supportive and comforting.
i feel so bad too, because i feel like i am bringing camerin down with my issues- its like i feel it takes all the focus off of him, and then all he can do, or has enough energy to do is take care of me. i want to take care of him- and i know i am not doing that right now, and that makes me sad too. but i know when i am better- i will be able to take really good care of him. i just kinda suck at it right now.
i got new medication- to speed up my digestive system- at first it seemed to be working, then it stopped working (or so it seemed) and now it kinda feels like it is. Who knows. Trick is- i need to take it 30 minutes before every meal- and before bed. I am supposed to take it 4 times a day... but i don't eat 3 times a day... at least i hadn't been. so now i have been trying to eat more- which goes against the whole intuitive eating thing. so frustrating.
i have gained weight too- which makes me mad. 5 pounds- which isn't a lot- but it feels like about 30 to me. i feel like my clothes are tighter- and that i look bad. it sucks.
I hurt myself the other morning. i was so upset and i couldn't control it. i punched my stomach, probably like 4 times. i felt relief for a moment, and then extreme guilt. i hate getting to that point. its one of the worst feelings ever. i told camerin about it- which took a lot of courage- and he was amazing about it. super supportive and comforting.
i feel so bad too, because i feel like i am bringing camerin down with my issues- its like i feel it takes all the focus off of him, and then all he can do, or has enough energy to do is take care of me. i want to take care of him- and i know i am not doing that right now, and that makes me sad too. but i know when i am better- i will be able to take really good care of him. i just kinda suck at it right now.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
rough day
saying its been rough is an understatement. My reflux has been bad and so has everything else. my mental state is bullshit today. all i can think about it how fat i feel. its the most disgusting feeling ever. i literally feel like i am busting out of my shorts, my bra, my t-shirt, everything. i feel so gross. i am disappointed in myself. for letting myself feel like this- for eating when i knew it would make me feel bad. for eating when i wasn't really hungry. i wanted to hurt myself today- real bad- and i haven't felt that in a little while. i didn't hurt myself- but the urge to punch my stomach was strong- and i almost gave in- it took everything i had not to. i feel like crap about it. i hate feeling that way... this way really- cuz its still there...
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Shower
something simple, like taking a shower with your husband, should be a no brainer. DUH! of course i want to shower with my husband.... or not. most days- or most of the time i would be down. not tonight. tonight was different. because i feel like i ate too much at dinner, and i don't think that camerin should have to look at me and my disgusting body right now. That's literally how i feel. as sick or stupid as that may seem- that is the exact thought in my head.
now i am sitting here- after showering alone- and feeling so stupid about it. Camerin loves me for me, not what i look like, and even more importantly- what i think i look like. i am aware of how much of this is just in my head. but that doesn't matter to me right now.
i ate too much at dinner. and then didn't stop there. i let myself eat a snack like an hour later. i feel disgusting. huge. ugly. disappointed. sad.
tomorrow i must do better.
now i am sitting here- after showering alone- and feeling so stupid about it. Camerin loves me for me, not what i look like, and even more importantly- what i think i look like. i am aware of how much of this is just in my head. but that doesn't matter to me right now.
i ate too much at dinner. and then didn't stop there. i let myself eat a snack like an hour later. i feel disgusting. huge. ugly. disappointed. sad.
tomorrow i must do better.
Gastroparesis
i am always going on WebMD and other medical websites when i am not feeling well, or when i start a new medication or something. i love self diagnosing myself... sometimes i am even right! Today while i was looking up side effects of my new medication- i saw that it was used to treat something called Gastroparesis. So of course-i clicked on the link to see if thats what i have. talking about the physical stomach issues- not the mental ones.
It seems like it could be what i have- not like i am a doctor- but it makes sense. and it makes me sad... because it says it can be caused from : anorexia, bulimia, and abnormal eating patterns.
Makes me sad, because it shows how what i was doing (and am doing) really affected me physically. if only i could have been smarter, and thought things through more. But i guess the good thing is that i am getting this stuff fixed now. its better late than never right?
eating has been ok- that past couple days. its easier when i am with a bunch of people- because i eat. I don't want anyone to think anything is wrong. but i don't enjoy all of it yet. but being distracted is always better. this weekend was very distracting. So distracting that i just realized that i forgot to go to therapy today. wow. here i am blogging about everything going on- and i forget the key component. :(
It seems like it could be what i have- not like i am a doctor- but it makes sense. and it makes me sad... because it says it can be caused from : anorexia, bulimia, and abnormal eating patterns.
Makes me sad, because it shows how what i was doing (and am doing) really affected me physically. if only i could have been smarter, and thought things through more. But i guess the good thing is that i am getting this stuff fixed now. its better late than never right?
eating has been ok- that past couple days. its easier when i am with a bunch of people- because i eat. I don't want anyone to think anything is wrong. but i don't enjoy all of it yet. but being distracted is always better. this weekend was very distracting. So distracting that i just realized that i forgot to go to therapy today. wow. here i am blogging about everything going on- and i forget the key component. :(
Saturday, July 2, 2011
new medication
went to the doctor on friday. to check up on my acid reflux- which is another continuous problem for me. See the acid reflux will make me feel physically ill, which will then make me not want to eat. not wanting to eat is the exact opposite of what i am working on in therapy. i am trying so hard to create a safe, healthy, normal relationship with food... and having something that brings me physical pain doesn't help. It makes it so much easier actually to justify not eating. its like "oh, i just won't eat, because everything i eat just makes me feel sick" - then i just don't eat. totally opposite path.
so i got this new medicine when i was at the doctor- to help balance everything, and help treat damage to the esphagus, and what not. seems ok so far- only downfall - having to take it 4 times a day. yikes. i now carry 3 prescriptions on me at all times- LOL.
eating has been decent the past couple days- which is a relief. I have been feeling slightly better about camerin holding me and touching my stomach as well. do you know how sad that feeling is? to be laying in bed, with your husband- and he puts his arm around you, and rests his hand on your stomach and it makes you feel disgusted. thats literally how i feel most of the time. depending on the position i am laying in. If i am on my side- forget it. i feel so disgusted by my stomach that i feel bad for him having to touch it. i feel like he shouldn't have to- because its so gross. even though i know that makes no sense- and i know that camerin doesn't feel that way at all. its crazy the thoughts that run through my head about my body... its sickening sometimes.
its all another reason it is so hard to talk about with people. people hear me complain about my body or something and they always have the opposite to say- they say something good- or that i am crazy because i look fine. and thats nice of them- and i appreciate it- but in my head, all i can think about when they say these things is "stop lying". i don't believe it. at all. i think they are just lying to me. because in my head there is no way that anyone could honestly think that about me and my body. and then when i think about it- logically- i know i am wrong. its so sick, and twisted. my brain is a crazy place.... the way i can twist everything- and the amount of self hatred i can come up with- is just sad.
so i got this new medicine when i was at the doctor- to help balance everything, and help treat damage to the esphagus, and what not. seems ok so far- only downfall - having to take it 4 times a day. yikes. i now carry 3 prescriptions on me at all times- LOL.
eating has been decent the past couple days- which is a relief. I have been feeling slightly better about camerin holding me and touching my stomach as well. do you know how sad that feeling is? to be laying in bed, with your husband- and he puts his arm around you, and rests his hand on your stomach and it makes you feel disgusted. thats literally how i feel most of the time. depending on the position i am laying in. If i am on my side- forget it. i feel so disgusted by my stomach that i feel bad for him having to touch it. i feel like he shouldn't have to- because its so gross. even though i know that makes no sense- and i know that camerin doesn't feel that way at all. its crazy the thoughts that run through my head about my body... its sickening sometimes.
its all another reason it is so hard to talk about with people. people hear me complain about my body or something and they always have the opposite to say- they say something good- or that i am crazy because i look fine. and thats nice of them- and i appreciate it- but in my head, all i can think about when they say these things is "stop lying". i don't believe it. at all. i think they are just lying to me. because in my head there is no way that anyone could honestly think that about me and my body. and then when i think about it- logically- i know i am wrong. its so sick, and twisted. my brain is a crazy place.... the way i can twist everything- and the amount of self hatred i can come up with- is just sad.
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