Today is one of those days

When my brain won't shut up. It is one of those days when I shouldn't spend a lot of time alone- because all I am doing is over analyzing, scarring myself and make things ridiculous.

I wish I could just let go... Of all the things in my mind that hurt me- but I simply don't know how...

Today is gonna be a long day...

The perks of being a wallflower...

Easily one of my favorite books. I still remember how I felt the first time I read it when I was in high school. It always hit home and meant a lot to me.

I just watched the movie, for the third time. This time me and camerin watched it with the commentary- it was amazing. Listening to what Stephen had to say and what all the actors had to say made the film that much more powerful.

If anyone that reads this hasn't seen it, or hasn't read the book, please do. You will not regret it... It is simply amazing.

it started

the workout routine started on friday. My bestie is being my motivator/personal trainer. She pushed me hard that night, but it felt amazing. and thinking about how good it is going to feel when the exercises become easier- is very exciting. I have been super sore since friday, and have not made it back to the gym yet, but i am going tomorrow, and plan on doing some yoga tonight.

working out with her felt very inspiring and not like work at all. Even though it was hard, and i struggled at times, it felt more like good times with my best friend then anything else. and i felt truly cared for. the main goal of all of this, is to gain a healthy positive relationship with my body, and i truly feel like that is what she wants to, and that she truly cares about me achieving that. she is pretty amazing. i am completely blessed to call her my best friend and have her in my life.

i am excited for this part of the journey on the road to recovery.

dont want to be afraid

i am constantly afraid.

afraid of going back to my eating disorder
afraid of gaining weight
afraid of working out
afraid of losing camerin
afraid of any type of change
afraid of taking a zumba class even though i love doing it at home
afraid to let people down
afraid to be myself (most people think i am myself - when the reality is i am only being 50% authentic at best)

i could list my fears forever, but i am gonna stop before i get carried away. i think its natural to be afraid, and i think that fears can make us stronger, however they can only make us stronger if we overcome them. and i have not overcome any of mine.

the first thing i want to address is my fear to be myself completely. i think i have been working on that, and am proud of the steps i have taken. I am the only me there will ever be, so i need to embrace it, right? Embrace. fitting that that words comes to mind now, when that was the word i received for advancing in my eating disorder treatment. maybe i never took that seriously- what that word really meant and why it was chosen for me. i want to EMBRACE chelsea, and who she really is. because i think she is probably way more amazing than i have ever imagined she could be. i want to express myself more. when i was the most insecure, i was also expressing myself the most. i want to harness some of that again.

second thing- i am working on letting go of my fear of working out. i am afraid of getting too obsessed with it, and i am also afraid of what will happen if i do not work out. i have gone to the gym a few times in the past couple weeks, which was a huge accomplishment for me. and i now have a plan with my bestie, and she is going to help me stay motivated to continue to a place of positivity with my body.  i am excited for this. i can't wait for this. i just need to keep my eye on the finish line. because what i really want is to have a positive relationship with my body. and to accept it.

i will continue going through these fears and my plan for conquering them later... 

frustration

i am feeling frustrated. and i am not good with feeling frustrated. it is an icky feeling, and always makes me feel super depressed.

i spent a good chunk of my day today feeling very depressed and down about things that only i can change. I am working on changes those things, but have been feeling.... hmmm... stuck. i think that is the best way to describe it. i need a place to vent about it, and talk about how i am feeling- however i feel guilty whenever i do that. i feel like i overwhelm them with my mundane bullshit that is going on in my head.

i think its really easy to get into a negative down slide, where everything that goes into my head, comes out in a negative way. and that is not who i want to be at all. i work very hard to stay positive all the time, however- there are times when that is really hard to do.

i am making some positive changes. my bestie is going to be my "mentor" and help me get on track with my fitness goals, and develop a positive relationship with my body- and i couldn't be more appreciative of it.

i know i need to carve out more time for the activities and hobbies that i enjoy, and i honestly going to start trying. Camerin has been challenging me to do that more, and i appreciate that so much. He has helped me start drawing again- which feels pretty amazing.

this blog is kind of all over the place, but anyways.

Processing...

I have had a few hard days/moments this week... And they have given me the chance to reflect and process just what I am actually feeling...

I am kind of at war with myself right now...

I am not unhappy with the way I look right now. I am content with it- however I do like the way I look when I am a little smaller better... When I am more in shape.

The dilemma is- finding the balance.

I feel guilty and mad for wanting to lose some weight- because that feels like it is against everything I have learned. However I know that physically I feel better when I weigh a little less then I do right now.

I feel scared about working out more. I am afraid of getting carried away and focusing too much on my body- however I know I am happier and feel better physically when I am more active.

So there lays the dilemma.

Balance.

I have decided to go to the gym 3 days a week for 30 minutes each day. I think that is balanced. When I remember being happiest and most confident was when I was actively going to the gym 3 days a week.

I will not count calories or "diet". But what I will do is be more aware of my food choices and eat things that make me FEEL good. I think that is balanced.

Balance will be my new goal.

Indescribable

I can't really figure out how I am feeling right now. Food wise I am fine, body image is fine as well... But I feel kinda sad- but not entirely sad... But I also feel like anything could make me cry right now...

Maybe I am stressed? Exhausted? Burnt? All of these are possible and probably part of the equation. Whatever it is- I hope it goes away soon...