for the past month i've been listening to pretty much nothing but Against Me! I will listen to something else, but always go right back.
The music is hitting me in a way that i haven't felt in a long time. I am remembering why i fell in love with music. Why i always loved punk music. The way it makes me feel. I actually feel. Thats probably the thing.
I have been living numb for longer than anyone knows or realizes. Those around me see a recovered girl. I put on a good front. I am no doubt a lot better than i used to be- but the days are still hard. Add in the miscarriage and the days can be horrendous.
Laura's words are helping me feel. Helping in a way that is hard to explain. She is an inspiration in so many ways. And i aspire to be the same way. To be confident in who i am, and what my struggle is. And to over come it. Having had an eating disorder for pretty much my whole life- her words are extremely relatable. The uncomfortableness with your body, never feeling like you were what you were supposed to be. I felt that forever.
I also don't feel like a real woman. That is the hardest thought process right now. I am at war with my body in more than one way- and i am losing. The infertility has robbed me of my feelings of womanhood. I don't know how to fully process that, or change those feelings. Losing the baby stole a part of my womanhood- but infertility took the rest. So the current battle to feel like a woman everyday is something that Laura's words are helping with.
Again my words are not forming properly. Which is frustrating me a lot today. I promise i am much more eloquent usually, but for some reason words are not forming the sentences i want today.
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
Like A Girl
Yesterday I was watching my favorite news show as i got ready for work. They were doing an eating competition, between a male anchor and a female reporter. The female won. And instead of them congratulating her or talking about her win. They immediately discredited it, and said that the male must have thrown the competition and that he ate "like a girl." I was immediately disappointed. And that disappointment has continued to sit with me.
i am angry about the way the world is. the way the world treats women. We are continuously discredited. Our accomplishments are only celebrated in a state of shock. Its never about how talented or skilled we are. Its about the fact that we succeed in spite of being a woman. Like it is so rare for a woman to be good at something.
Why is being a girl the ultimate insult? Why is it that anything that is done "bad" is being done "like a girl." Its disturbing. It's disgusting that it is 2014 and we still need to have these kinds of conversations. That we haven't made the progress that we should have.
These thoughts are not streamlined. and are not making complete sense i am sure. Mostly because i am thinking and typing through irritation. I will write something much better when i am more composed.
The point is- being a girl- is amazing. And to me it means you are strong, beautiful, talented, and so so so much more. All the women in my life are amazing, and in a lot of ways- they are stronger than the men. Lets stop using "like a girl" as an insult. Every time that is said- we are hurting all of our girls. Being a woman is not something to be ashamed of- it is something to be celebrated. Being you should be celebrated. No matter who you are.
i am angry about the way the world is. the way the world treats women. We are continuously discredited. Our accomplishments are only celebrated in a state of shock. Its never about how talented or skilled we are. Its about the fact that we succeed in spite of being a woman. Like it is so rare for a woman to be good at something.
Why is being a girl the ultimate insult? Why is it that anything that is done "bad" is being done "like a girl." Its disturbing. It's disgusting that it is 2014 and we still need to have these kinds of conversations. That we haven't made the progress that we should have.
These thoughts are not streamlined. and are not making complete sense i am sure. Mostly because i am thinking and typing through irritation. I will write something much better when i am more composed.
The point is- being a girl- is amazing. And to me it means you are strong, beautiful, talented, and so so so much more. All the women in my life are amazing, and in a lot of ways- they are stronger than the men. Lets stop using "like a girl" as an insult. Every time that is said- we are hurting all of our girls. Being a woman is not something to be ashamed of- it is something to be celebrated. Being you should be celebrated. No matter who you are.
Friday, June 27, 2014
how
how do you keep positivity flowing when all you want to do is cry?
how do you keep fighting when the only thing that makes sense is giving up?
i want to quit. i want to cry. i want to just curl up in a ball and forget about today. sleep until i can actually be pregnant. sleep until i have a child.
i've seen her. i've held her in my dreams. she hasn't visited in a long time. but i know she is real. i just don't know why she is taking so long to come to me.
i love you more than anyone already. my world is already all about you. i just want to hold you. and kiss you and love you.
i will never stop fighting for you.
how do you keep fighting when the only thing that makes sense is giving up?
i want to quit. i want to cry. i want to just curl up in a ball and forget about today. sleep until i can actually be pregnant. sleep until i have a child.
i've seen her. i've held her in my dreams. she hasn't visited in a long time. but i know she is real. i just don't know why she is taking so long to come to me.
i love you more than anyone already. my world is already all about you. i just want to hold you. and kiss you and love you.
i will never stop fighting for you.
focus on the positive
tomorrow is the day my period is due.
its coming right now. there has been a small amount of blood, and i can feel it. i am so sad. Words don't do justice to the sadness. There is no way to describe what this feeling is like every month.
it is a feeling of absolute defeat. one that i have never felt until doing fertility treatments. it is the worst pain i have ever experienced.
i had a good feeling this time. But i have had a good feeling every time.
trying to focus on the positive. We have still only done 5 months of fertility treatment. and have only been "actually" trying for 8 months.
IUI is supposed to work within 3-4 tries. this was try 3. i say we give try 4 a chance. if that doesn't work- we move to ivf.
we still have options.
i just want my family.
its coming right now. there has been a small amount of blood, and i can feel it. i am so sad. Words don't do justice to the sadness. There is no way to describe what this feeling is like every month.
it is a feeling of absolute defeat. one that i have never felt until doing fertility treatments. it is the worst pain i have ever experienced.
i had a good feeling this time. But i have had a good feeling every time.
trying to focus on the positive. We have still only done 5 months of fertility treatment. and have only been "actually" trying for 8 months.
IUI is supposed to work within 3-4 tries. this was try 3. i say we give try 4 a chance. if that doesn't work- we move to ivf.
we still have options.
i just want my family.
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
2WW
The dreaded 2WW.
i have 4 more days left in my 2WW. and they are torture.
if you don't know, 2WW is the 2 week period of time between ovulation & knowing if you are pregnant.
this is my 5th 2WW and it isn't any easier than the ones before it.
I thought i was doing so good. Not thinking about it. Not stressing. Just living life and feeling carefree. What will be will be and all that. but today it hit me. Like a ton of bricks.
Today i feel cramps- and my day is ruined. Cramps can mean anything. It could be period cramps or pregnancy cramps. So letting myself be broken about cramps is pointless. But it is real.
I want to lay in bed and cry right now.
the 2WW is seriously the worst.
i realize that i haven't been blogging much and this is probably something i should be blogging. even if no one ever reads it- at least i am letting my feelings out. and thats whats important....right?
My doctor said she recommends we move to IVF if this cycle doesn't take. I am ready for that. So ready. I am ready to be pregnant. But i am scared.
i don't even know what to write anymore.
i am so tired.
i have 4 more days left in my 2WW. and they are torture.
if you don't know, 2WW is the 2 week period of time between ovulation & knowing if you are pregnant.
this is my 5th 2WW and it isn't any easier than the ones before it.
I thought i was doing so good. Not thinking about it. Not stressing. Just living life and feeling carefree. What will be will be and all that. but today it hit me. Like a ton of bricks.
Today i feel cramps- and my day is ruined. Cramps can mean anything. It could be period cramps or pregnancy cramps. So letting myself be broken about cramps is pointless. But it is real.
I want to lay in bed and cry right now.
the 2WW is seriously the worst.
i realize that i haven't been blogging much and this is probably something i should be blogging. even if no one ever reads it- at least i am letting my feelings out. and thats whats important....right?
My doctor said she recommends we move to IVF if this cycle doesn't take. I am ready for that. So ready. I am ready to be pregnant. But i am scared.
i don't even know what to write anymore.
i am so tired.
Monday, June 16, 2014
June...
May wasn't our month.
I never liked May anyways.
I've always preferred June. Probably because its the best month of all. (My birthday is June 3rd) ;-)
We have done 2 cycles of clomid with intercourse & 2 cycles of clomid with IUI.
This cycle I had 4 follicles. That's the most I have had. I feel really good about this cycle. I am feeling real positive. It's nice.
The Clomid & Estradiol both have a side effect of weight gain- which definitely isn't helping my eating disorder. My clothes don't fit the way they used to. and my stomach sticks out in a way i am not too thrilled about. But i am trying to just remember that it is the medication. Its hard to remember that.
i don't feel like writing anymore.
write more soon...
hopefully.
I never liked May anyways.
I've always preferred June. Probably because its the best month of all. (My birthday is June 3rd) ;-)
We have done 2 cycles of clomid with intercourse & 2 cycles of clomid with IUI.
This cycle I had 4 follicles. That's the most I have had. I feel really good about this cycle. I am feeling real positive. It's nice.
The Clomid & Estradiol both have a side effect of weight gain- which definitely isn't helping my eating disorder. My clothes don't fit the way they used to. and my stomach sticks out in a way i am not too thrilled about. But i am trying to just remember that it is the medication. Its hard to remember that.
i don't feel like writing anymore.
write more soon...
hopefully.
Monday, May 5, 2014
next time
next time will be my time. scratch that... next time will be OUR time. Next cycle. this month is ours. May will be our month. may will be our month.
maybe if i say it over and over again, i will believe it and it will be true. maybe. just maybe.
two cycles of clomid w/intercourse- nothing.
one cycle of clomid w/IUI - nothing
doesn't sound of seem like much when it is spelled out like that. but each of those represent a month, and an incredible heartbreak. every time i get my period- it is like having a miscarriage all over again.
it serves as a very bitter reminder. a reminder that i am broken. That i can't just do what my natural body is supposed to do.
and every time it is so easy to get caught up in how bad it hurts. how bad i want to stop. how i want to give up. how helpless and hopeless i feel.
those thoughts and emotions run through me at 100 times the volume and intensity then the ones that say "it's only been 3 months, and your uterine lining is great, and you are responding super well to the medication, most "normal" couples don't conceive the first 3 months of trying. you are meant to be a mom. you will be a mom. you will get pregnant. keep trying, don't give up, god gave you this hand for a reason." those thoughts are quiet whispers. those are the ones that i need to be turned up to max- the ones i need pounding in my head- yet they always slip... just out of reach.
i eventually pick them up again- and hold on to them. But i don't think i ever fully believe them.
how can i get pregnant if i don't truly believe it will happen?
if i don't have faith in it- then why would it ever happen?
i have always been my worst enemy- and this is no exception. I am great at pumping Camerin up- telling him everything will work out, but i can't seem to get myself to actually fully believe it.
i mean, in my heart i think i do. but there is that part of me- that doubts it. that has always been my weakness. doubt.
i am gonna kick doubts ass.
I AM GOING TO BE A MOM.
i know that i was created to be a mom. i KNOW that god wants me to be a mom. I wouldn't have been made the way i was if that wasn't true.
i need to remind myself of that every single day. and if i believe it- it will happen. i just know it.
maybe if i say it over and over again, i will believe it and it will be true. maybe. just maybe.
two cycles of clomid w/intercourse- nothing.
one cycle of clomid w/IUI - nothing
doesn't sound of seem like much when it is spelled out like that. but each of those represent a month, and an incredible heartbreak. every time i get my period- it is like having a miscarriage all over again.
it serves as a very bitter reminder. a reminder that i am broken. That i can't just do what my natural body is supposed to do.
and every time it is so easy to get caught up in how bad it hurts. how bad i want to stop. how i want to give up. how helpless and hopeless i feel.
those thoughts and emotions run through me at 100 times the volume and intensity then the ones that say "it's only been 3 months, and your uterine lining is great, and you are responding super well to the medication, most "normal" couples don't conceive the first 3 months of trying. you are meant to be a mom. you will be a mom. you will get pregnant. keep trying, don't give up, god gave you this hand for a reason." those thoughts are quiet whispers. those are the ones that i need to be turned up to max- the ones i need pounding in my head- yet they always slip... just out of reach.
i eventually pick them up again- and hold on to them. But i don't think i ever fully believe them.
how can i get pregnant if i don't truly believe it will happen?
if i don't have faith in it- then why would it ever happen?
i have always been my worst enemy- and this is no exception. I am great at pumping Camerin up- telling him everything will work out, but i can't seem to get myself to actually fully believe it.
i mean, in my heart i think i do. but there is that part of me- that doubts it. that has always been my weakness. doubt.
i am gonna kick doubts ass.
I AM GOING TO BE A MOM.
i know that i was created to be a mom. i KNOW that god wants me to be a mom. I wouldn't have been made the way i was if that wasn't true.
i need to remind myself of that every single day. and if i believe it- it will happen. i just know it.
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