Getting caught up in the "Why Me"

this week has been challenging so far. This sunday would have been the completion of my first trimester... if i was still pregnant. This week would have been the week where i was getting all excited and ready to tell everyone... instead i am crying and not sleeping. i don't think i have slept since i saw my babies heart not beating. everyday i feel more and more exhausted. But i am trying to keep pushing through. This week though... is hard. this month is pregnancy & infant loss awareness month. That doesn't help either.

i have been real positive for the most part. but today and this week, i find myself getting caught up in the "why me".

Why me? Why us?

I am married, to an amazing husband. We both have good jobs. We are both healthy. We pay our bills on time, are responsible, aren't addicted to anything, etc, etc... We waited 2 years to try for a baby so we could have that time to grow and become fully prepared(or as prepared as you can be). We have done everything the way it is "supposed" to be done, and yet we lose our baby while teen mom can't cast their shows fast enough...

I was raised to be a non-judgemental person, but right now- i am finding that harder and harder to do. I know everyone has there own struggles. But when i am getting lab work done, or going in to have a second ultrasound to make sure they weren't wrong, it is hard to see pregnant 16-20 year olds.

the only thing i have ever wanted from my life, is to be a mom. I swear, thats it. My mom is the most amazing mom, and my whole life all i have wanted to do was be a mom like her. So losing our baby, feels like my dreams were stolen.

i am trying to push through the "why me" and the judging. trying to break through the bitterness and the sadness, but its hard. sometimes are better then others. today- is a bad day. Yesterday was ok. Hopefully tomorrow will be good.

Empty

That is the best way to describe how I feel. I feel empty. 

When baby was growing inside of me- I felt whole. I had Camerin and our baby. We were a family. 

In one instant all of that was taken away from me. In the blink of an eye. 

My heart aches in a way I have never experienced before. It hurts worse that I could have ever imagined. It feels not just broken, but empty. 

There is a piece of it missing, and I don't know how to fix it. 

I know it hasn't been long, but I have been waiting to start feeling a little better- but it seems like everyday is exactly the same as the one before. And I fear it will never get better. And that I will never not be sad. 

I know in my heart, that it will get better. That I will never forget- but I will be able to make it through a day without crying. 

I know in my heart that god is taking care of my angel baby and me. I know I am meant to be a mom and that I will get that dream someday. 

But in this moment. None of that seems possible. 

Recovery

Had another ultrasound on Monday- everything was exactly the same. I had a d&c yesterday. 

I feel empty. Really sad. And lonely. I feel like no one understands what I am going through, and that no one thinks it's as big of a deal as it is. I feel like a pain in the ass laying on my parents couch. Like a nuisance. 

I want to go home. Where I can cry if I want, where I don't have to worry about getting in anyone's way. Where I can just exist and grieve however I want to. 

Day 2- a little stronger

I am a little stronger today than I was yesterday.

 I have decided that I do not want to have a D&C. If I haven't had a miscarriage naturally by Monday- I am going to ask for a second ultrasound. 

I know the chances are slim- but I have also read a lot of stories where a week later there was a heartbeat. I may not be one of those stories, but I cannot bear not trying. 

I could not live with myself if I had any thought that my baby could be alive and I chose to go through with the D&C. 

I know I will probably miscarry- I have accepted that- however I have to exhaust every option and hold on to a little hope. Maybe there will be a miracle. 

I pray there is. 

Angel mom

Haven't blogged in awhile. I have my reasons. Recovery is fine. And that is not why I wasn't blogging. 

First I think I just wanted a break. A time to be "normal"

Second thing- I was pregnant. 

Today me and camerin went in my first ultrasound. I was 8 weeks and 3 days pregnant. We were going to see the heartbeat of our little baby, only there wasn't a heartbeat. And our baby was only developed for around 7 weeks and 4 days. Baby had stopped living about a week ago. In an instant I felt my entire heart shatter and my world was immediately changed. 

I was not naive. I knew miscarriage was a possible. And not only possible- I was at a higher risk. (I have been having some issues with my ovarian reserve) 

But knowing that, doesnt change how I feel right now. It doesn't change the pain in my heart. I feel a sadness I never knew was possible. I loved that small teeny tiny baby more than I love most people I know. 

My feelings are real. And they hurt like hell. I know that this happened because there was some Abnormality or issue with the development- but that doesn't change the love I had for my baby. 

I am not discouraged. I know that when it is right it will happen. I have faith that next time I will carry full term and have a healthy baby, but right now- I am hurting. 

I don't know what else to say... 

This quote feels right right now...

"We asked god for a baby, instead he gave us an angel" 

I am still a mom- I am just a mom to an angel. 

Love you forever lil punkin. 

Long time

I haven't blogged in a long time. And I think it's because I have been happy. It feels like it's easier to write when I am upset or stressed out. But life has been happy, content.

Me and camerin are moving forward, and beginning to plan for having a baby. I am not pregnant- but we are going to start trying soon. I am beyond excited