"Pristine in 2013"

i spent NYE with 3 of the most important people in my life. My husband, my brother and my best friend. Through a night of drinks, food, music, games, and prank phone calls- we were searching for a slogan for 2013. What came out was "Pristine in 2013".

pris-tine adjective

1: belonging to the earliest period or state : original <the hypothetical pristine lunar atmosphere>

2 a : not spoiled, corrupted, or polluted (as by civilization) : pure <a pristine forest>

b : fresh and clean as or as if new <used books in pristine condition>

 

i particularly like "not spoiled, corrupted or polluted". and have found the best way to apply this to myself. my new years resolution is to RECOVER (for real) to be MINDFUL (honestly) to ACCEPT myself (completely) and to LOVE myself (for who i am). 

 

i have spent my entire life trying to change myself to fit what i thought i needed to be. to fit with what everyone else was doing.   i have spent most of my life being ashamed of myself, and beating myself when there wasn't anyone else to do it for me. 

 

i was bullied a lot from 4th grade to 12th grade. but the biggest bully in my life has been myself. i have made sure to always keep myself down- to beat myself up for any little thing i did wrong. i pride myself on being non judgemental, yet i constantly judge myself. 

 

No one is responsible for making me feel the way i feel, and no one is responsible for my eating disorder other than myself. Others may have contributed to it, but i have allowed it to become what it is now. 

 

i went through treatment- played the role, didn't everything i needed to it. i believed in recovery, truly. i was myself and was gaining so much out of it. but when i got out of treatment, and had to do the real work myself, i have fallen short. i am not upset at myself, i think it is all part of the process. and i think i just used treatment as another crutch- if i didn't believe in me, or accept me- they did- so that was enough. 

 

i am done with that thinking. and i am done with relying on everyone and everything else in my life to pump me up. i NEED to start believing in my own self. and to love my own self. on my own. in my way. 

 

i NEED to take my recovery seriously. i NEED to take care of ME, and not just pretend to, which is what i have been doing.

 

so to me, "Pristine in 2013" equates to not polluting myself with; negativity body talk, eating disorder thoughts and behaviors. I will no longer stand for beating myself up, and being my own biggest bully. i am gonna clean up my act- and the way i treat myself. 

 

 

Christmas

It's christmas and it was a good one. It was actually a really good Christmas.

Eating disorder wise- not so much. I think it's payback for getting off the hook with thanksgiving.

Thoughts are extremely loud. Ed is making sure I hear him. I am trying not to listen, but i can't help it sometimes.

I wish he would just shut up. I love the holidays more then I can explain, so it really makes me mad that Ed has to try to ruin that.

But in the grand overall picture of the holidays- Ed can't ruin or take away why a fabulous time it was.

Recovery record

As of today I have used the recovery record app for 10 days straight and have recorded 4 meals a day.

I am still struggling. I just mindlessly ate a bunch of chips. I won't call it a binge, because it didn't feel like one and I wasn't using the food to escape or numb out. I was just bored.

I need to remember that.

My goal now is to check in on things like that... To check in on my hunger before I eat... Everytime - no matter what.

I feel that Is the next step.

I have also embraced bringing some exercise back into my life. I have done yoga twice this week and some other strength exercises. I am not ready to go back to the gym yet- but I am getting closer.

Sticking to it

I have stuck to my vow to use recovery record everyday. I have recorded everything I have eaten and my feeling as well. It has felt good doing it.

Recovery is almost constantly on my mind now- which is something that hasn't been happening for awhile. I am enjoying it.

Definitely still have intrusive thoughts and urges, but I have been strong and haven't given in.

I did yoga today. It felt really good to connect to my body. It is a feeling I have missed.

Today is my day off and I am gonna enjoy it and do things for me. I am gonna work on house things, but also make time for relaxation and my creativity. I am excited.

Cheers to having a good day.

Thanksgiving

First I want to say thank you. Someone posted on my Instagram saying I should tell my story, and it inspired me to blog today. So thank you.

I was very nervous about today. It is my first thanksgiving since going to treatment. A holiday centered around eating an obscene amount of food is not really fun when you have an eating disorder.

Add that to the fact that I haven't really been paying much attention to my eating disorder and you have what I call a perfect storm.

Luckily for me- it didn't have an effect on me much today. Some things worked out in my favor. My mom did not have thanksgiving dinner today- hitch definitely helped, because I LOVE moms food. Also- we had a non-traditional thanksgiving. We ate with my husbands family and some extended family- we had Pakistani food, which was amazing but is not a trigger food for me. So I dodged a bullet there.

I have put my eating disorder and recovery on the back burner a lot lately. I have been ignoring it, pretending its not there. I have been comfortable with just getting by. Being recovered enough to survive.

I don't want to just survive anymore. It hasn't really been working. I still struggle with some meals, body image issues and extremely intrusive food and body thoughts... So being good enough is not really good enough.

I want full recovery and will settle for nothing less.

I want to say thank you to my husband for never giving up on me and pushing me when I need help. To my mom for asking the questions I need her to ask and for always being there to listen. To my brother for knowing exactly how to distract me and help me through every panic attack. To my dad for being a rock and for listening to me cry all those mornings while I drove to work. To my treatment group and therapists for challenging me, my thoughts, and challenging Ed for me when I haven't been strong enough to see him standing there. And a special thank you to my scarecrow Lisa for always keeping me honest, checking on me and always being there, and for showing me the recovery record app which in two days had made a lot of difference.

I vow to blog more. And to keep using recovery record and to keep my recovery in the front of my mind until I can honestly say I recovered.

Happy thanksgiving.

Quit

Sometimes I just want to quit.

I went to the doctor today for my stomach issues... My appointment was supposed to be to schedule a colonoscopy- however like always the doctor had a different plan.

He wants to try more medicine before we resort to the colonoscopy. I am beyond frustrated.

I feel like no doctor listens to me... I tell them everything that is wrong and how I want to do every test possible to figure it out, but they don't want to.

And how come when you tell a doctor you have an eating disorder and are in recovery they look at you like you are broken... Shouldn't they be understanding? You would sure think so. But instead they treat you like you have some terrible contagious disease.

Sometimes I just want to quit. Quit going to the doctor. Quit taking care of everything.

I want to go away. For at least a week and just not do anything.

Strong enough to break

My mind is a mess.

More messy then it has been in a long time. I am not sleeping, I have no appetite and I have zero energy... All the time.

Everything feels like a chore. Everything feels like it is too much work...

I just want to run away... And hide in my bed for a week.

I am beyond overwhelmed and trying to put on a smile everything and get through it is getting harder.

I am not depressed or even really sad.... Just exhausted. Everything feels chaotic.

I want to cry- but even that takes too much effort.

I have been listening to the Hanson "underneath" album constantly. (Go ahead and laugh- I don't care) and the song "strong enough to break" is getting the most play on my drive.

"Things keep coming and keep wondering... I start feeling the walls close in. Things keep coming and keep stumbling, I start feeling I'm strong enough to break... "

Strong enough to break...

I think I am breaking...