Weird...

I am feeling off today. I have definitely done too much drinking in the past week... And that has led to unhealthy food choices, which has led to this weighed down icky feeling.

I don't feel like starving or restricting... But I feel disconnected... From my hunger and my body... I want so badly to be connected to my body... To feel proud of it, content, satisfied. But it feels like a unrealistic dream... And it feels impossible.

I will settle for being indifferent. Neutral. Not having an opinion either way. Even that sounds like a better option...

This is all a process I know, and I know it gets easier each day- or it does eventually... But I feel impatient right now...

Trying a little harder..

I have been pretty hard on myself lately.. And focusing on the bad things.

I watched a demi lovato music video yesterday, and I starting thinking about her and her struggle with her eating disorder. I thought about how beautiful I think she is and how strong she is. I channeled that into myself and tried to be more positive and easy on myself...

The truth is that I am gonna have hard days, and days where I may eat more then I want and things like that, but as long as I can learn something from each of those days, it is still progress. Recovery isn't going to happen overnight- it is gonna be a long hard battle but I will win in the end. I will have my freedom.

Gaining

I have gained weight. I know I have. I haven't stepped on a scale, but I can feel it. In everything... My clothes, the way my body feels when moving and sitting, everything.

I know I am not supposed to care... That my weight isn't supposed to matter... But I don't like this feeling... I am fine with being "ok" or "fine" with my weight and accepting it... But not if I gain weight. I know regardless of what I weigh it doesn't change who I am or any of those things, but I still don't want to gain weight.

It feels terrible.

I don't like this...

At all.

One of those days

Somedays I don't feeling like fighting ED... Today is one of those days.

I just don't care today. He can beat me up all day, I won't fight today.

Drinking

Having a Disney movie marathon with my brother while drinking. Super fun.

The urge to binge is super strong right now... Like it always does when I drink.

I need to remember that. I become weaker when I have been drinking... And I have been fighting too hard and too long to let one night of drinking ruin it.

Be strong Chelsea.

You are strong, confident and very beautiful...

I am strong, confident and very beautiful...

I AM STRONG, CONFIDENT AND VERY BEAUTIFUL!!!!

Feeling weird

I feel off today. Ed is talking... And I just feel exhausted. Drained. I don't feel like fighting him right now. I want him to just be quiet.

I advance tomorrow. Which I am excited for, but I am nervous too... It makes it real... After tomorrow I really will be more accountable and will be doing more of this on my own.

I believe I can do it, but I just don't feel like it right now. I feel like crying and I don't really know why.

My monthly visitor is right around the corner- so I am sure that has something to do with all of this.

Last week I felt so confident...I want that back.

Obsessed With The Beauty Contest...

i love this No Doubt song... So much.

Beauty Contest:

Damsel in distress is quite submissive
Look how somber my vanity is
A feminine human creature
Superficial, seducing detour

I'm going to the mall for the cookie cutter
The ugly duckling will always suffer
Contaminated standards, I try to fight it
I better get back on my diet

Obsessed with the beauty contest
Beauty contest
How'd my vanity get such a mess?
Beauty contest
I'm obsessed

Reduce myself, I got the strict restrictions
Not sexy enough without the regulations
A melting point countdown the fading features
Born to blossom and bloom to perish

Obsessed with the beauty contest
Beauty contest
Oh, I've got to get out of this mess
Beauty contest
I'm obsessed
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/n/no+doubt/beauty+contest_20101424.html ]
And I've fallen, I can't help myself
I'm feeling envious of all the rest
You're bringing out the lemming in me
A victim of the cattle call disease
Not easy to be me

I feel swollen

Obsessed with the beauty contest
Beauty contest
How'd my vanity get such a mess?
Obsessed with the beauty contest

Obsessed with the beauty contest
Beauty contest
I've got to get out of this mess
Obsessed with the beauty contest

Obsessed with the beauty contest
Beauty contest
How'd my vanity get such a mess?
Caught up in the beauty contest
Caught up in the beauty contest
Caught up in the beauty contest
Caught up in the beauty contest
Caught up in the beauty contest

And I feel swollen
How'd my vanity get such a mess?
My vanity's a mess