Project Love Myself- day 2

Day 1 went pretty well. It was a smaller thing for me to not wear my full makeup, but it was important still. I don't think I ever felt fully "pretty" but I felt cute still and I felt confident. So I am marking that as a success. I have been having trouble figuring out what to do for Day 2, all I can think of are the big things I don't like- but I am not ready for those yet. So I have settled on something smaller- but something that still bothers me...

Day 2: Enjoying the food I eat and not beating myself up about it.

Honestly- this one is actually not small and is gonna be tougher then it seems....

Project Love Myself

I am gonna try something new. Everyday for one month I am gonna pick something I don't like about myself and try to change it... Challenge myself to find the beauty and the positive in that one thing. It may be small things or big things. It may be stupid or not seem like a big deal to anyone else- but to me they will be huge things. All of this will be in an effort to help me love myself for exactly who I am...

Day One- Love myself and feel pretty with almost no makeup on.

Change of pace

I haven't written in awhile... Haven't really had much to say or my thoughts in order enough to put them down on here.

One thing I have realized is that I am looking at all of this the wrong way- or too negatively. The whole point has always been to get better and to get to a place of love and acceptance with myself and my body. I am going to make more of an effort on that part now. I think I could be a lot happier and satisfied if I focused on the positives and what not...

That is a new goal. Think and write about positive things- make a change

Back to old habits

I can feel it. Me comforting myself with eating. It's becoming my excuse again. I don't need to feel vulnerable- because I am fat again- or feel fat. I don't need to be sexy or dress up or anything- because I am not those things- I can just eat instead. It will make me feel better... It is there for me... I don't need to try. I don't feel sexy- so I might as well just eat- and make it feel even worse- while I think it feels better.

I think I am in control- but really I am not... I am losing control more and more... Gotta stop the old habits- now....

Trying

To balance my stress, trying to think positive everyday, and trying to focus on the things I enjoy in life. Trying.

Breathe

So dumb

What a night.... Most of it was fun, but I drank too much... Which in turn usually means I eat too much too... Went to bed feeling really guilty. My emotions were ridiculous too... Basically a mess....

I try so hard, everyday. I try to just be normal. Do what normal people without all these bullshit issues would do. Eat dinner with the family, have beers and eat some snacks- and not have these things alter your entire world... Go out to lunch with friends and eat what you want to eat, and not feel like shit about it later. But that's just not my reality.

I really thought I was getting better... But right now, I feel worse. All I think about it food and my body. It's draining. My insecurities are at an all time high right now... I seriously can't think of really anything i feel good about right now... How sad.

annoyed

i didn't reach my goal- in the slightest. i know i haven't lost any weight, and it is frustrating me so much. i know i have eaten bad, and eaten when i haven't wanted to and i know i have over ate at times too.

Binging is one of the weirdest feelings ever. while i am doing it, i know exactly what i am doing- but i can't stop it. no matter how much i want too. i feel completely out of control in those moments. but there is a comfort in it. because when i am done, i can be mad at myself about it, and be completely justified. i then have a reason to be mad and upset with myself.

I am weak. that is the simplest way to describe it. and it is completely true. if i wasn't weak- i would have lost the weight. if i had lost the weight- i would be happy. if i was happy- camerin would want me more.

my insecurities are running rampant and tearing me apart right now. i can't remember the last time i felt beautiful, cute, sexy, or even just content. i would settle for content right now. anything would be better then this.