Mother's Day

This year is my third Mother's Day. My first one with a child I can hold. 

I have the day off from work- but not because it is Mother's Day- I am off because it is Sunday- and I have 99% of Sunday's off. 

I asked for one thing for Mother's Day. A day where I can go downstairs, play music, get drunk & paint. A day to do the things I used to do. 

Camerin works. So my carefree day of drinking, painting and being "old chelsea" will have to wait until another day. I have full confidence that I will get that day- it'll just be a few days late.

This Mother's Day- will just be Sunday. And honestly- that's fine. 

But that reality has made me think. In many conversations with mothers about Mother's Day- most of them said that all they wanted was a day off. And through reading countless articles & comments sections- it seems like this is a rarity for them to actually receive. 

Women are scrutinized for apparently never saying what they actually want- but yet- when they do- it seems like they don't receive it. 

They receive flowers, chocolates, stuffed animals and other shit that they don't really need or want. 

What mothers actually need is a fucking break. 

I would bet money that most won't get it. 

I was talking to my mom & she said something about how now I understand why she isn't ever really pumped for Mother's Day. As a kid- every Mother's Day was spent going to two different family functions. She usually had to help provide some sort of food and had to get me & my brother dressed up and all that jazz. For the most part- regular everyday shit- but it was Mother's Day- and she is a mother- yet- it was never about her. 

What I'm getting at is that Mother's Day is kinda bullshit. And isn't really about mothers. It's about making everyone else feel good about the fact that they took one day- out of 365 in a year to really tell their mom that they appreciate her. When she spends every day living for them. 

Your candies, cards, flowers, etc are all great. But if you really wanna show you appreciate her- do her job for a day. Give her a break. But that's not reality- because- honestly- no one wants our job. Not even for one day. 

Moms are the most badass people out there. I have the privilege of working with a lot of moms. All of us from different backgrounds, all of us with different situations and struggles- and every one of us is a fucking bad ass. Every one of us is giving our absolute all every single day. I've never worked with anyone who works harder then a mom. We all deserve one day off. A lot of us won't get it- but that doesn't mean we don't deserve it. 

I'm not upset that I won't get a day off on Mother's Day. I've been conditioned to understand that a day off isn't reality. And even if I did get a day off- I probably wouldn't know what to do with myself & I'd probably miss the shit out of my kid & spouse. 

But it's nice to dream. 

#mombod

As a woman- our bodies are almost constantly scrutinized. From an insanely young age we are fed this idea that our value is dependent on how we look and what size we are. 

This idea is something I've struggled with my entire life. At 10 years old it was brought to my attention that my body was wrong and that it wasn't ok or acceptable that I didn't look like the other girls my age. 

I went on my first diet in 6th grade. I was on a diet pretty much constantly until I was 22. At around 25 I entered treatment for an eating disorder and became enlightened to the fact that I had had an eating disorder most of my life. I vowed to beat it and never look back. 

That's impossible. 

4 years later I still struggle everyday. I day dream about starvation and compulsive exercise. I count calories subconsciously and have disgust for my body most days. Thankfully I have learned too much to fully engage in eating disorder behaviors most days- but the thoughts are always there. 

They only got worse after having a baby. Charlie is the greatest gift I've ever received- but the pressure for perfection is even stronger now. But with age & experience- comes new perspective. 

I have a love hate relationship with my body. It loves me & most days- I hate it. 

I treat my body terribly. I have most of my life. I've starved it, taken laxatives, physically beat it, cut it, and more. I've talked bad about it & had disgust for it for as long as I can remember. Never once has it failed me. I've let it down multiple times- but it has never let me down. My body isn't perfect & I don't love the way it looks- but it's strong as hell. It's survived years of an eating disorder, years of self harm, fertility treatment, and pregnancy. It never once faltered. It's time for me to be gentler to it. It's time to treat it right- build it & make it stronger so it can relax a little. It doesn't deserve to work so hard while I tear it down. The first 30 years have been far from easy- and I'm sure the next 30+ won't be either.

I don't need to look like the other girls- in fact- I don't want to. I need to learn self love. To practice the things I preach. To take my own advice- and love the skin I'm in.

Our bodies take such good care of us- and most of the time we repay them by tearing them down, trying to change them & mold them into what we think they should be. Instead of embracing them for exactly what they are. I'm trying to do that. 

I want to exercise & get stronger- but not to change my body- or hurt it. To make it stronger- so it can take a well deserved break. It's carried me through hell & back- being gentler to it & taking care of it is the least I can do. 

Recovery

Recovery is shitty.

Don't get me wrong. I love that I have "beat" my eating disorder. But recovery really sucks sometimes. 

I find myself daydreaming of my sick times. Daydreaming of binges, restrictions, starvation, calorie counting, diet obsessing, over exercising. All of it. And often times it actually seems fun. 

Somebody I spoke with recently said "it gives me something to do" when talking about calorie counting. I couldn't help but relate to that, agree with that, and be a bit envious. 

In this haze of post pregnancy life I feel like I have nothing that is mine anymore. My existence as chelsea, just chelsea is gone. And in those moments- I dream about my eating disorder. The glorified portions of it. The "good" things I got out of it. In those moments it's hard to see the sickness for what it is. 

But I'm "recovered" now. Even if I were to engage in any eating disorder behaviors- they wouldn't work. They would only end up making me feel worse. The thrill is gone. The high I used to get when I hadn't eaten for days is a thing of the past. Sometimes that makes me sad. Sometimes I miss the way it felt. The so-called control I had.

Because even though it was destructive- it was mine. 

Inevitable

Some things are just inevitable. No matter how you try- they are gonna happen anyways. That's how I feel about relapse. 

I fantasize about my eating disorder. I dream about it. I long for it & I crave it. I am aware that my resistance will only last so long. Relapse is inevitable. 

The sad thing is- I'm not even upset about it. I'm actually kind of excited. Something familiar sounds good right now. Something that makes sense. Something that is mine. 

Right now my entire world is Charlie, working, and taking care of the house. I literally do nothing else. I can't remember the last time I painted or created something. I can't remember the last time I sat down and no one needed me. 

And really that's all I want. Just like one day where no one needs me. 

This lack of having anything- of feeling routine, and not really in control- leads me to obsess about my body. Which will in turn lead to relapse. 

I don't even care anymore. 

Cry

All I want to do is cry. I want to get a hotel room, by myself & lay in bed all day and cry. 

I hate my body more than ever- and on top of that hate- I feel guilt for hating it. My body brought Charlie to life- yet I still hate it. 

I never want to eat again. 

It's been 2 weeks since my doctors appointment. 2 weeks of working out& trying to be healthy. 

My body hasn't changed at all. In fact- I'm pretty sure I've gained weight. 

It has me broken. All I want to do is cry. 

I don't have anything else to say. 

8weeks

I wish I could say it's gotten easier. 

Charlie is a dream. A pretty much perfect baby- and being a mom is hands down my favorite thing I've ever done. 

But the voices haven't stopped. I'm back on my anxiety medicine- so the voices are quieter- but they are still there. 

I have been eating as intuitively as possible- but am still skipping meals. I want to say it's not intentional- but it probably is. It's so much easier to just not eat. It's not the answer- but it works. And it's even easier with the distraction of a baby. He takes up most of my time- so really- when do I have time to eat. 

At my 6 week doctors appointment she told me that I had lost a third of the weight I gained. Everyone is telling me how great that is. But in my head- guessing what I gained- I really only lost the weight of Charlie. So I don't feel like I've accomplished anything. 

She told me to walk. Try and do 5,000 steps a day. Naturally I am trying to do 10,000. I bought an eliptical, dance and walk while holding the baby and make as many trips as I can while doing all chores.  I hang up each item and put them in my closet one at a time. Just to take more steps. 

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little obsessed. But I think I've balanced that voice a little bit (the obsessive one) 

I've allowed myself to not reach my goal. But it feels like shit when I don't. 

This process is gonna be a lot. 

Relapse still looks like the better option. 

Postpartum

5 weeks since I had Charlie. 

Id be lying if I said the past 5 weeks have been easy. And I'm not talking just about taking care of a baby. That part is hard- but nothing compared to the voices in my head that have pushed me to the edge of relapse. 

Everyday I have to remind myself to eat- because it is SO easy to forget right now- and most days I would like to forget a meal or two. Maybe then the weight would be gone- and I could stop obsessing about my body. 

I know that's not the answer. But it seems really nice some days. Most days. 

I don't know what I weigh- or how much weight I gained while pregnant. I haven't known my weight for over 3 years. What I do know is that my clothes don't fit. And that I feel super out of shape. 

Every time I try & talk about this and my feelings- I get told "it's only been a month" or "you look great" etc etc. while I appreciate the compliments, they really don't mean anything. It's mostly people saying what they think they should say. It's just like how everyone says "I can't even tell you're pregnant" when you are 8 months pregnant and huge. 

People say those things to be nice. Because they think they should say them, and while the sentiment in sweet- it would probably be better to say nothing.

Why would it be better to say nothing? 

Because I know you are lying. And when people lie to me- especially about my body or my mental health- it makes me feel really sick- and like a burden. It actually makes me feel worse. About everything. And it makes me want to never open up again. 

It's gonna be a battle- like everything else for the past 3 years. And honestly- I'm tired of fighting. So giving in & relapsing- doesn't sound so bad. Like just stop eating for awhile- lose the weight- get my body back- and then work on recovery... Again. I've done it before- I can do it again... Right? 

There is a sick comfort in these thoughts. They feel safe. They feel like home. 

Old habits die hard

Well well well. 

My sweet Charlie was born just about 3 weeks ago. I am a mom. My dreams have come true. 

So naturally- I'm beating myself up.

Labor was 26 hours- with 3 hours of pushing. Luckily I didn't feel most of it. 

Needless to say my body has some recovering to do and like usual- I am beating myself up for not being better already. For being tired. For being emotional. For everything. 

My anxiety is raging and so is my eating disorder thoughts. There is a perfect storm in my brain that could easily lead down a slippery slope. 

I won't let it. 

I've survived before- I can do it again.

 

The early pregnancy diaries

Here they are... The thoughts and feelings I had during my first trimester. 

Pregnant. 

10/20/14

I'm pregnant. For real. 5 tests say so. Tomorrow the doctor should say so too. I'm pregnant. Without fertility meds. Without really trying.  

Words can't describe the craziness in my head because of this. 

I should be around 5 weeks right now. 7 more weeks until I can say it out loud, at the top of my lungs. 

47 more days. 

The crazy thoughts are there. Every twinge, every pain makes me think I am miscarrying. The thought won't go away. 

47 days. 

December 5th. 

10/21/14

Doctors appointment today. Blood work today & Thursday. Hoping the hcg numbers are rising. 

Ultrasound scheduled for November 10th. 

I'm beyond nervous for that appointment. I will be just barely over 8 weeks at that point- which is further along than I was last time- but it's still nerve racking. 

I feel super sick today. Constantly nauseous. But haven't thrown up. I kinda wish I would. Light headed, exhausted, muscle aches and cramps. 

The cramps are the worse- because they worry me the most. 

46 days.

10/22/14

Slept around 11 hours. Still feel exhausted. How is that possible? 

Nerves are still there, but possibly subsiding a bit... Maybe. 

2 days until I am 6 weeks. For some reason that seems so much better than 5 weeks. Seems so much further along. A little over 2 weeks til the ultrasound.

Prayers and good thoughts running rampant. Please let this baby stay. I want this baby more than anything in the word. 

45 days. Only 45 more days. 

10/23/14

I don't have morning sickness, I have afternoon, early evening, every time I eat sickness. 

I actually kinda have all the time sickness. I haven't thrown up- but I feel like I could all day. 

I read somewhere that morning sickness is a good sign. That women who experience it are less likely to miscarry. I don't know if that's true or not- but I am pretending it is. Apparently it has something to do with the baby attaching itself & getting real comfortable or something. 

44 days! 

Tomorrow I am 6 weeks. 

Wow. 

 

10/24/14

Six weeks. Officially. 

No words. 

2 more weeks until the ultrasound. 

43 days until I can be really happy.

10/25/14

Carpal tunnel. Really? Pregnancy apparently makes you more prone to carpal tunnel. Cool- Cuz I already have carpal tunnel. 

My hands & arms have been going numb for the last few days- at least now I know why. 

Sicker today than yesterday. 

42 more days. Just 42 more days. 

10/26/14

Sick sick sick. 

This sesame seed sure is a little beast. The nausea is beyond real and I just want to lay in bed all day. 

***TMI alert- if you are uncomfortable with bodily functions- scroll down until the next day's entry. ***

The constipation is probably my least favorite part. I already have a whole mess of digestive issues- and the pregnancy is definitely not helping them. I require coffee every morning in order to go to the bathroom. I usually drink 3 cups. I've cut down to 2 cups... And it's half caff. Needless to say- pooping is not happening. 

I already look at least 3 months pregnant- but it's all bloat because I can't poop. Argh! 

I am grateful for this pregnancy- beyond grateful- but man does it make you feel like shit. 

It's almost cruel. 

Aren't I supposed to be glowing from happiness and sheer joy? 

My skin is breaking out and dry, I'm itchy, bloated, gassy, constipated, light headed, nauseous, and sore all over. 

Am I glowing yet? 

Maybe the glow comes in 41 days... When I'm not stressed and worried anymore. 

That's it. That's gotta be it. 

10/27/14

My doctor called today. 

My hcg didn't double- but it rose. It went from 19794 to 33000. She said since my first number was so good- and so high- it didn't matter that it didn't double. 

She said it was fine. 

Keep reminding yourself of that Chelsea. 

Instead of being happy- I keep feeling my boobs to make sure they are still tender, paying close attention to how nauseous I am. Worried it is going to go away. 

But I know it's hasn't . As I type this- I feel like vomiting. The only reason I hadn't felt it- was because I had distracted myself. 

40 days. A month and 10 days. Over half way there. 

10/31/14

Haven't written for a few days. I've been nice and distracted- which is what I needed. Me and Cam have spent a lot of time together and it's been amazing. 

Today I am 7 weeks. Last time I made it 7 weeks & 3 days.  When baby's heartbeat wasn't there- that was how developed baby was. 

I knew I was losing the baby though. One day I woke up- and didn't feel pregnant anymore. I am hoping I don't ever feel that again. 

We have our ultrasound in a week & 3 days. 

36 days. 

11/03/14

Pregnancy is weird. 

The symptoms, the emotions, everything. 

For example- Cam worked an overnight and is now sleeping & snoring peacefully while I lay in bed watching tv. Should be no big deal. Yet every snore makes my stomach turn. Really? A noise is making me want to throw up. First time I've experienced this. Haha. 

Morning sickness doesn't really exist for me. I feel nauseous, but it's not unbearable. By early evening though, I want to die. 

33 days. Ultrasound in a week. 

11/04/14

The emotions are too much today. Been on the verge of crying all day, and no energy to do anything. 

I am scared. 

Scared of losing the baby. 

Scared of having the baby.

Scared of being a mom. 

I've wanted one thing my whole life, to be a mom. Now it's happening. And it's terrifying. 

Camerin is going to transition, and I am so for it. Our lives are changing so much at one time that it is a little overwhelming. 

It's also comforting. In a way. Knowing that life is always changing, that things are always in a transition. 

That these fearful thoughts will fade, and everything will be ok. That I will stop being afraid of being a mom, and just be one. 

I will look back on these blogs and that fear will seem so silly and so far away. 

32 days. 

11/06/14

Motivation fails me. Getting out of bed is a chore. I want to get dolled up and do so many things, but moving is so hard. 

Every moment makes me want to vomit. 

I still haven't vomited- but I feel like it all day everyday. 

I can't wait for pregnancy to feel better. Right now it's just like being ridiculously sick. I don't have a cute belly or anything. It doesn't totally feel real yet. 

30 days. 

11/09/14

Officially lost it. I don't know it's the hormones, going off my meds, or what. But the angry outburst I have been avoiding for years, finally came out. 

The day before my ultrasound. 

We all know where my mind is going now right? 

Yep.  I don't even want to type it. I know I am being ridiculous. Worrying myself sick. I need to just stop. 

Time to go to sleep. 

27 days

11/11/14

Ultrasound went good. 

Baby has a heartbeat- of 167bpm. I can't even describe all the things I am feeling. 

When the ultrasound tech said she saw the heartbeat I started sobbing. Camerin did as well. 

Baby is measuring for 8wks 3days, which is exactly where they thought I was. 

I can't explain the happiness I feel right now. So blessed. 

25 days. 

11/13/14

Depressed lately. I feel like all I am a pregnant woman. Who is wrapped in bubble wrap & no one wants to touch  or anything. 

I'm not Chelsea. I'm not camerins wife. I'm the pregnant woman who sleeps next to him. 

I feel ugly everyday. I'm bloated, breaking out, too tired to get dressed, and I just feel awful about myself. 

These are the things no one tells you about. I am uncomfortable everyday. My body feels foreign. 

And I feel guilty. Guilty for having these feelings, when the only thing I have ever wanted is to be a mom. I just want to do also feel like myself.  

Fucking hormones. 

23 days.

11/16/14

I've never felt more insecure than I do right now. I feel like complete shit everyday. I have no energy and want to throw up constantly. 

I want to get dolled up and feel pretty- but I don't. I feel the ugliest I have ever felt. 

Nothing fits or looks good. And nothing feels good on. My skin is breaking out worse than ever. 

I know I shouldn't complain. I know I should be totally blissful & happy. But this fucking sucks. 

I'm thrilled to be pregnant. But it is fucking painful. I've never felt worse in my life. 

19 days. Then the first trimester is over. Everyone says it gets better after that. 

11/24/14

12 days. 12 more days. Then the first trimester is over. And I couldn't be more excited. 

It still doesn't feel real. Keeping a secret helps it not feel real. I want scream at the top of my lungs about it. But I can't. I just can't. 

Went to disneyland over the weekend. It was great, I didn't ride many rides... Cuz I can't. But being there was nice. It was emotional. And made me happy to think about sharing disneyland with my child, and how much more magical disneyland will be then. 

I feel awful though. The trip took a lot out of me. And all I want to do is sleep... Until next Friday. 

11/26/14

Yesterday I had a doctors appointment. I had no idea what it was for before I got there. It was my first appointment with the doctor. (I usually see a nurse practitioner) 

I figured it was going to be uneventful because they didn't have me put on a gown or anything. 

I was wrong. 

The doctor went over a bunch of stuff and then said she wanted to try and hear the baby's heartbeat. She said not to freak out if she can't- because at 10 weeks you can't always hear it. 

After what felt like an eternity, she said "there's your baby". And i could hear the heartbeat. I immediately started crying. It was the most beautiful thing I have ever heard. 

She said its a huge milestone when they can hear the heartbeat at 10 weeks. Feeling so hopeful. 

10 more days and it will feel super real. The heartbeat made it feel more real- but I am still scared. 10 days

11/28/14

As of today, I am 11 weeks. 

I thought I had stuff to write but I don't. One week left. 8 days.

11/30/14

5 more days... 

Will it feel real then? Once I'm in my 2nd trimester will it all feel right? 

I hope so. 

I know that's not how stuff works... And that this is all a process. But it would be nice to just feel good and for this to feel like reality. 

Right now I just feel like I have the worlds longest stomach flu. 

Right now, being pregnant is not the business. And that kills me to say, but unfortunately it's true. 

I am beyond happy to be pregnant- words can't describe.... But right now- this sickness is bullshit. 

12/01/14

Zits. Zits everywhere. This is the first time I have had to deal with them really, and I hate it. 

I feel like I have a million of them. I know I don't. 

12/12/14

Zero days. One week past. 13 weeks today. No longer feeling nauseous, and some energy has returned. Barely showing. And it still doesn't quite feel real. 

Eyebrows. Right now- my baby is developing the hairs for eyebrows. That's insane. 

Update.

It's been months. 

For good reason. 

I'm pregnant. 

I didn't want to talk about it until the first trimester was over- and even then I still didn't want to talk about it. I am not 14 weeks pregnant- and its time to talk about it. 

I've been keeping a note open on my phone where I have been writing about my feelings during the past three months. 

Fair warning- I am gonna post them here... But I have not read them, or edited them.  

Here's to the crazy thoughts while in the early stages of pregnancy. 

Suck it up

Cmon Chelsea, suck it up. Toughen up. Man up. 

On repeat. Over and over in my brain. Get it to together. Stop being a little bitch. 

Feel blessed. Others have it harder. Your life is amazing. 

Over and over.

Yet it doesn't silence the thoughts. Doesn't stop them from being chaotic. Those words become white noise in the background of the racing thoughts that have become the soundtrack of my life.

And maybe that's where they belong. They aren't nice thoughts. They don't help in the slightest. When someone else says them to me, I find it rude. So why should I say them to myself? 

I've learned from years of therapy and through treatment that thoughts like that aren't productive, yet I can't shut them up. 

I'm a shell of who I used to be. Going through the motions out of necessity. I want myself back. I'm trying. So hard. So hard it hurts...harder than anyone knows. 

I don't talk, because I see no point. No one honestly wants to know the thoughts I am thinking. They aren't pretty thoughts, and all they do is remind you how broken I am. 

Sharing them just makes me feel like even more of a disappointment. Please try and understand my silence. 

I will be fine...someday. I just don't know when. 

I'm not defeated, just exhausted from fighting. 

Pinch Me

Yesterday doesn't seem real. There is no way I met Laura Jane Grace & Against Me! No way that Laura followed me on twitter and no way she recognized me from the stage. None of that happened. It couldn't have. 

Right? 

Let me explain why this is unbelievable. 

This past year has been hands down the hardest year of my life. This time a year ago I was pregnant. Ecstatic. All I ever have wanted was to be a mom. That happiness was short lived. I was pregnant for 8 weeks when I found out my baby had died. When the doctors couldn't find a heartbeat- my life shattered. 

I've spent the past year trying to get pregnant again. I've done 6 months of fertility treatments and they haven't worked. Been on meds and hormones that make me a raging bitch, gaining weight, and feeling like I'm not a woman. 

The gaining weight is awful for me as an eating disorder survivor. But that hasn't been the worst part. 

I have felt at war with my body, everyday for the past year. And during that year there has been one thing that has made it easier. Against Me! and Laura Jane Grace. 

Not a day has gone by where I haven't listened to Against Me! Whenever I was feeling shitty again- I put their music on- and felt better. 

Laura's words have spoken to me in a way that I can't even explain. They have made me feel like I'm not alone, and that I can get through anything. Her bravery and honesty is inspiring and makes me braver. Makes me want to live my truth even more. Makes me feel like a woman, regardless of my condition. 

I've been tweeting her for months- and everytime she favorited a tweet or responded- it made my day. Knowing she knew I existed was what I needed those days to push through. 

Meeting her was a dream. They were doing a record signing and there was no way me and my husband weren't gonna be there. (Against me! & Laura mean the world to him too) I would be lying if I said I wasn't incredibly nervous. I was shaking and couldn't figure out what I would possibly say to her. Plus I wanted her to think I was cool. (Dorky- I know) 

Luckily Laura made it easy. When it was my turn to meet her she said "I know you, from the internet." I died. She knew I existed! She remembered my tweets. I responded with "oh yeah? From all the tweets I send you?" And she said yes. I asked for a picture and she said yes. As we were taking the picture I said "does this mean you will follow me now?" She laughed.

She was gorgeous and graceful. Kind and endearing. I wish I had had 2 more minutes with her just to explain everythig. But I just kept saying "thank you" over and over. 

Before I met Laura. I got to watch Camerin meet her- which was as important to me as me meeting her. Laura has changed his life in so many ways and to see my husband meet his idol was amazing. 

We left the signing shaking and in disbelief. We went to get some drinks- to calm ourselves. Me, Camerin & our friend Amanda- all got some beers and talked about how cool this all was. I had obviously tweeted my picture with Laura- so I checked my twitter... I had a new follower.... Miss Laura Jane Grace herself!!!!! Pinch me! This isn't real. I was dying... Again. This seriously can't be real life. 

The show was amazing- as expected. Opening with Fuckmylife666 was amazing- and so unexpected that I couldn't even cry (like I usually do when I listen to that song) and eveything after was pure perfection. I am kind of glad that they didn't play spanish moss or bamboo bones- because if they had- I definitely would have lost it. 

I know this blog is long. If you've made it this far- I promise it's almost over. 

After the encore- at the end of the show- Laura recognized us from the stage!!! What!?!!!?! She waved at us and mouthed "I follow you" or "I know you" something like that. Seeing her recognize us was unreal- and acknowledging us again was more than I could have ever dreamed. 

I know she hears that stuff a lot from fans , and that these things make seem small to some people. But they were huge to me. I am beyond thankful for the love she showed me and Camerin yesterday. 

Now on to Fresno on the 20th. Maybe this time she will let me buy her a drink.  A girl can dream right? 

Downward spiral

For a year there has been only one thing on my mind. Becoming a mom. 

For 8 weeks I was pregnant. 

For 6 months I have been on medicine and undergoing fertility treatments. 

They haven't worked. 

When it's broken up like that- it doesn't seem as long. Doesn't seem as hard. The reality though, is that it's been the hardest thing I have ever experienced. 

I don't know who I am anymore. I'm not the same person. Not in the slightest. 

Most days it takes everything I have to not cry. 

I don't talk about it, because there is no point. There is no one in my life that actually understand. There is no one who will just listen- and not try to fix me. 

So I suffer silently, by myself. Sitting in the bathroom, crying, while Camerin sleeps. 

I don't know what the next step is. I don't know what the answers are. All I know is that I am tired, and miss being me. 

Support

Don't come easy. All I need or want is a hug, a gentle hand. Knowing I am loved. Cared for. 

I don't need answers and I don't need to be fixed. I just need support. 

That's all. 

What am I

I'm not woman. 

A woman can reproduce

She can do the one thing her body is designed to do.

She can do it without medicine

Without needles

Without doctors

She doesn't need to spend thousands of dollars

Dreaming that this time will be the time

That this treatment will work

That this time will be different than last time

She doesn't pray at night endlessly 

To a god she doesn't know is listening 

That she doesn't know is real

Wishing on stars that may not be stars at all

Dreaming every night of the only thing she has wanted

Superstitious to a fault

Dying for the one thing she knows she is meant to be

While falling apart at the seams

She will never be the same. How can you expect her to be. Life has changed. Forever. 

one of the sad days

today has been one of those days where you feel sad but can't quite figure out why. I am sure its because of the hormones, but that doesn't make it any easier.

It's been a day filled with Against Me (most days are) and being on the verge of tears. If I could properly word the way I am feeling- I would. But it simply isn't coming to me.

Today I don't feel like a woman.

I looked at my insurance benefits today. I get a $10,000 lifetime maximum of fertility coverage. I thought it was $10,000 a year. Silly me. We've already used $4,500. If this cycle doesn't work- we will have to do IVF. Which means we will have to break for awhile- because we will be paying for at least half of it- and IVF is expensive.

I know I shouldn't be so bummed, because I am lucky that I have ANY coverage for it. I am extremely grateful for that. But figuring that out today hit hard. Made me think about my future a lot...and how there is a chance that I don't get to be a mom.

that is what made me feel like I am not a woman.

Afterall- isn't the lack of the ability to reproduce one of the biggest arguments for why transgender women aren't real women? If they aren't real women- than neither am I. (I think that argument is garbage- BTW)

I am holding back tears as I type right now. That means this is enough for today.

something i don't talk about...

I talk openly about 99% of things in my life. I believe in being an open book. Maybe to the point of being too open at times. I probably expose more than people want to know- but I am fine with that.

I don't believe in keeping quiet- because experiences need to be shared, they need to be felt. Most things have been fairly easy to talk about. My depression, self injury, relationship with Camerin, eating disorder, miscarriage, and infertility. Ask me anything and I will answer. Honestly. You may not like the answer- but I will still give it to you.

There is one thing I never talk about, unless I feel a real deep desire to. I don't want to say that I pretend it doesn't exist- but that's probably exactly what it is.

I was sexually assaulted at my job when I was 16 years old. This is something that needs to be talked about- yet is something that I keep quiet about. Why?

I guess 12 years later, I still feel ashamed. I definitely don't feel like I was to blame- no matter how much my job tried to tell me differently. I am ashamed that I didn't do anything about it. That I didn't seek action against my employer. Even after HR tried to tell me that I "blurred the lines", and tried to make me feel like I was to blame. Even after my employer didn't terminate the man who assaulted me and I had to work with him for multiple weeks until they finally let him go. Even after several staff members retaliated and treated me horribly afterwards. I still didn't do anything.

I try to live life without regrets. I know everyone says that- but I really do. I try to find the good out of every situation and experience. I regret not doing something. I regret not being firmer, not pushing harder, not taking action.

The thing is, we are conditioned as women to not speak up. To shut up and live with it. To take it as a compliment that someone wanted to touch us. And that's honestly how I felt.

I was a chubby girl (which shouldn't have mattered) who was bullied for years, I was insecure. I honestly believed that I should be thankful that any man would want to touch me. I was disgusting. I stayed in an awful relationship because- at least I had a boyfriend. I believed these things whole heartedly. I believed them to be truth. I was ugly- so I deserved to be treated like nothing. I deserved to be sexually assaulted. I deserved a shitty relationship and a guy who would cheat on me.

It's disgusting to me now to think that I ever thought that way.  I was raised to be independent- and am proud of that- but when faced with a relationship, or men- I had no idea what to do. I figured the only thing to do was submit.

Not anymore. I am too proud of who I am now, to ever back down. I have learned too much, and been through battles that have changed me. I know my value. Which is why it hurts that I still find it hard to talk about my sexual assault. Even typing this has made me anxious and nauseous. Getting the story out there takes the power away from the memory. Right? The more I talk about it- the less power it has. You can't change the past- but you can change the way it makes you feel....

Finding myself again

for the past month i've been listening to pretty much nothing but Against Me! I will listen to something else, but always go right back.

The music is hitting me in a way that i haven't felt in a long time. I am remembering why i fell in love with music. Why i always loved punk music. The way it makes me feel. I actually feel. Thats probably the thing.

I have been living numb for longer than anyone knows or realizes. Those around me see a recovered girl. I put on a good front. I am no doubt a lot better than i used to be- but the days are still hard. Add in the miscarriage and the days can be horrendous.

Laura's words are helping me feel. Helping in a way that is hard to explain. She is an inspiration in so many ways. And i aspire to be the same way. To be confident in who i am, and what my struggle is. And to over come it. Having had an eating disorder for pretty much my whole life- her words are extremely relatable. The uncomfortableness with your body, never feeling like you were what you were supposed to be. I felt that forever.

I also don't feel like a real woman. That is the hardest thought process right now. I am at war with my body in more than one way- and i am losing. The infertility has robbed me of my feelings of womanhood. I don't know how to fully process that, or change those feelings. Losing the baby stole a part of my womanhood- but infertility took the rest. So the current battle to feel like a woman everyday is something that Laura's words are helping with.

Again my words are not forming properly. Which is frustrating me a lot today. I promise i am much more eloquent usually, but for some reason words are not forming the sentences i want today.

Like A Girl

Yesterday I was watching my favorite news show as i got ready for work. They were doing an eating competition, between a male anchor and a female reporter. The female won. And instead of them congratulating her or talking about her win. They immediately discredited it, and said that the male must have thrown the competition and that he ate "like a girl." I was immediately disappointed. And that disappointment has continued to sit with me.

i am angry about the way the world is. the way the world treats women. We are continuously discredited. Our accomplishments are only celebrated in a state of shock. Its never about how talented or skilled we are. Its about the fact that we succeed in spite of being a woman. Like it is so rare for a woman to be good at something.


Why is being a girl the ultimate insult? Why is it that anything that is done "bad" is being done "like a girl." Its disturbing. It's disgusting that it is 2014 and we still need to have these kinds of conversations. That we haven't made the progress that we should have.

These thoughts are not streamlined. and are not making complete sense i am sure. Mostly because i am thinking and typing through irritation. I will write something much better when i am more composed.

The point is- being a girl- is amazing. And to me it means you are strong, beautiful, talented, and so so so much more. All the women in my life are amazing, and in a lot of ways- they are stronger than the men. Lets stop using "like a girl" as an insult. Every time that is said- we are hurting all of our girls. Being a woman is not something to be ashamed of- it is something to be celebrated. Being you should be celebrated. No matter who you are.

how

how do you keep positivity flowing when all you want to do is cry?
how do you keep fighting when the only thing that makes sense is giving up?

i want to quit. i want to cry. i want to just curl up in a ball and forget about today. sleep until i can actually be pregnant. sleep until i have a child.

i've seen her. i've held her in my dreams. she hasn't visited in a long time. but i know she is real. i just don't know why she is taking so long to come to me.

i love you more than anyone already. my world is already all about you. i just want to hold you. and kiss you and love you.

i will never stop fighting for you.