No makeup kind of day

No makeup today... No makeup yesterday or the day before... Feels good. Feeling beautiful and confident without my makeup is amazing.

One more step towards self acceptance.

Feeling stronger everyday.

can't i just be recovered already?

i know that is a selfish thing to say. recovery is a process, and i am aware of that. but it's annoying and frustrating. some days i just don't want to put the work in... i just want to be normal... or feel normal. pretend to be normal.

in spite of wanting to just be recovered- i have been doing pretty good lately. at least i think so. i have challenged myself to eat the uncomfortable things, and to be hyper sensitive to my hunger and fullness. i bought the intuitive eating book- and i am trying very hard to talk it seriously and apply it to my life.

i have not binged, and i have not restricted. but my hunger is not what it used to be. i am sure its because of the cysts in my ovaries and because of all the other things wrong with my tummy. can i just have one day where i don't have a stomach ache? thats not too much to ask for is it?

i want to get involved in something that promotes eating disorder awareness, and helps those struggling with eating disorders. i am sure there are some groups and what not that i could do something with.

my mind hasn't been as flooded with thoughts of food, and weight loss.... but they have been there still. i have been trying to challenge them.

i haven't worn makeup other than mascara for a few days- my skin and eyes have been hurting- plus i want to challenge myself it not have my makeup to make me feel "pretty". 

What does it mean...

...when something changes how it's always been...

I find myself re-evaluating. Becoming more distant in a search of self discovery.

For the first time in my life I am thinking about myself first... And it feels weird.

I find my patience runs thin these days. I don't tolerate things as well as I once had. Maybe that's a good thing, but in some ways it feels so wrong.

I used to pride myself on my patience, on my supportive nature. I still do- but it's different now. It's like watching intervention- and giving everyone their final straw.

I have reached mine. I can't enable any longer. I won't. But it's driving a wedge between me and the things I have known my whole life.

These things were once my absolute truths. They were crystal clear. Perfect, unscratched, sparkling crystal. Now I am looking at them again, and seeing all the flaws, the inclusions, they aren't as clean as I thought they were, in fact they need so polishing.

I can't settle for good enough, or second best anymore. I have been doing that forever and it has gotten me nowhere.

I can only hope that those around me can understand. And that the people closest to me don't take offense.

I am living for me.

I don't quite know how to do it yet- but I am learning.

Funny

Yesterday I posted a picture of this spread of fried foods that me and my sister were eating for dinner. We couldn't decide what we wanted and everything sounded good- so we ordered everything we wanted.

I posted the picture on my Facebook with the caption "anyone who says that nothing tastes as good as thin feels is lying. Not dieting and eating intuitively feels amazing".

Today someone said to me "you don't honestly think you are gonna lose weight eating all that fried food do you?" I was taken aback and said "no, not I if eat it all day everyday. But if I want to eat it, I am going to."

Me and my sister ate maybe half of what we ordered, and even if we had eaten the whole thing, it wouldn't have mattered. One day of eating isn't going to make you gain 10 pounds.

Plus we were listening to our bodies, and what we wanted to eat. We were legitimately hungry, and ate completely mindfully, and didn't over eat. Sounds like a healthy way to eat to me.

If I ate a giant plate of fried food for every meal of everyday- then the comment would have made sense,. I am not doing that. I am listening to my body. Responding to my hunger and fullness cues, and honoring what my body is craving.

Plus, I am in recovery for an eating disorder. And I haven't been shy about putting that out there for everyone to see... So just that point made the comment hurt, and seem inappropriate.

I know I can't expect everyone to change their life and their thoughts just because I am. But a little more compassion would be nice.

Diets

It is amazing how many diet and weight loss commercials are on tv. It drives me nuts...

Diets don't work. There is no scientific proof behind diets, because they aren't sustainable and don't work. They are designed to make us deprive ourselves and restrict our food. They create a diet mentality and food police that can lead to an eating disorder.

I am not blaming diets for my eating disorder or anyone else's, however they do not help.

We are all constantly bombarded with messages that the smaller we are the better we are. The more we lose the stronger we are. Losing weight requires "will power" and when the diet eventually fails we blame ourselves and our lack of will power. It's a vicious cycle.

I have been reading my intuitive eating book and it is pretty incredible and makes so much sense. But something like intuitive eating won't take off and become the new craze, because it's not a quick fix or some diet plan that forces guidelines in your life.

It gives you unconditional permission to eat. And not just to eat, but eat whatever it is you are wanting to eat. The only "rule" is to eat mindfully and be conscious in your eating experience. To slow yourself down while you are eating to properly listen to your hunger and fullness cues.

It is something that will be sustainable long term and something that will actually work.

We aren't all meant to be the same size. Something that makes people so beautiful is that we are all unique and different. How boring would it be if we were all the same?

Anyways. That's enough of a rant for today. I am just so sick of hearing and seeing all these messages that say we aren't beautiful or good enough the way we are...

You are beautiful

Long time

It's been awhile since I have posted. I have been a little disconnected and in my own head.

I haven't engaged in ED behaviors, but the thoughts have definitely been there.

I have been unintentionally restricting... We put my dog down a week ago, and for 3 weeks I have had stomach pains which have continued to get worse.

This week I saw 3 different doctors. After 2 urine samples, 5 pregnancy test, blood work, X-ray, pelvic exam and a pelvic ultrasound... My doctor thinks I have an ovarian cyst.

The pain I am in is beyond what I thought possible. It's always there and never goes away. I am light headed, dizzy, and have an almost constant headache. My stomach is distended and tender to the touch... I feel like I am a mess.

I haven't worn makeup, fixed my hair or gotten dressed up pretty much all week, because I am so tired and in pain.

I get the results from my ultrasound on Monday or Tuesday... This weekend is going to be hell. I wish I didn't have to wait...

So sad...