how do you keep positivity flowing when all you want to do is cry?
how do you keep fighting when the only thing that makes sense is giving up?
i want to quit. i want to cry. i want to just curl up in a ball and forget about today. sleep until i can actually be pregnant. sleep until i have a child.
i've seen her. i've held her in my dreams. she hasn't visited in a long time. but i know she is real. i just don't know why she is taking so long to come to me.
i love you more than anyone already. my world is already all about you. i just want to hold you. and kiss you and love you.
i will never stop fighting for you.
Friday, June 27, 2014
focus on the positive
tomorrow is the day my period is due.
its coming right now. there has been a small amount of blood, and i can feel it. i am so sad. Words don't do justice to the sadness. There is no way to describe what this feeling is like every month.
it is a feeling of absolute defeat. one that i have never felt until doing fertility treatments. it is the worst pain i have ever experienced.
i had a good feeling this time. But i have had a good feeling every time.
trying to focus on the positive. We have still only done 5 months of fertility treatment. and have only been "actually" trying for 8 months.
IUI is supposed to work within 3-4 tries. this was try 3. i say we give try 4 a chance. if that doesn't work- we move to ivf.
we still have options.
i just want my family.
its coming right now. there has been a small amount of blood, and i can feel it. i am so sad. Words don't do justice to the sadness. There is no way to describe what this feeling is like every month.
it is a feeling of absolute defeat. one that i have never felt until doing fertility treatments. it is the worst pain i have ever experienced.
i had a good feeling this time. But i have had a good feeling every time.
trying to focus on the positive. We have still only done 5 months of fertility treatment. and have only been "actually" trying for 8 months.
IUI is supposed to work within 3-4 tries. this was try 3. i say we give try 4 a chance. if that doesn't work- we move to ivf.
we still have options.
i just want my family.
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
2WW
The dreaded 2WW.
i have 4 more days left in my 2WW. and they are torture.
if you don't know, 2WW is the 2 week period of time between ovulation & knowing if you are pregnant.
this is my 5th 2WW and it isn't any easier than the ones before it.
I thought i was doing so good. Not thinking about it. Not stressing. Just living life and feeling carefree. What will be will be and all that. but today it hit me. Like a ton of bricks.
Today i feel cramps- and my day is ruined. Cramps can mean anything. It could be period cramps or pregnancy cramps. So letting myself be broken about cramps is pointless. But it is real.
I want to lay in bed and cry right now.
the 2WW is seriously the worst.
i realize that i haven't been blogging much and this is probably something i should be blogging. even if no one ever reads it- at least i am letting my feelings out. and thats whats important....right?
My doctor said she recommends we move to IVF if this cycle doesn't take. I am ready for that. So ready. I am ready to be pregnant. But i am scared.
i don't even know what to write anymore.
i am so tired.
i have 4 more days left in my 2WW. and they are torture.
if you don't know, 2WW is the 2 week period of time between ovulation & knowing if you are pregnant.
this is my 5th 2WW and it isn't any easier than the ones before it.
I thought i was doing so good. Not thinking about it. Not stressing. Just living life and feeling carefree. What will be will be and all that. but today it hit me. Like a ton of bricks.
Today i feel cramps- and my day is ruined. Cramps can mean anything. It could be period cramps or pregnancy cramps. So letting myself be broken about cramps is pointless. But it is real.
I want to lay in bed and cry right now.
the 2WW is seriously the worst.
i realize that i haven't been blogging much and this is probably something i should be blogging. even if no one ever reads it- at least i am letting my feelings out. and thats whats important....right?
My doctor said she recommends we move to IVF if this cycle doesn't take. I am ready for that. So ready. I am ready to be pregnant. But i am scared.
i don't even know what to write anymore.
i am so tired.
Monday, June 16, 2014
June...
May wasn't our month.
I never liked May anyways.
I've always preferred June. Probably because its the best month of all. (My birthday is June 3rd) ;-)
We have done 2 cycles of clomid with intercourse & 2 cycles of clomid with IUI.
This cycle I had 4 follicles. That's the most I have had. I feel really good about this cycle. I am feeling real positive. It's nice.
The Clomid & Estradiol both have a side effect of weight gain- which definitely isn't helping my eating disorder. My clothes don't fit the way they used to. and my stomach sticks out in a way i am not too thrilled about. But i am trying to just remember that it is the medication. Its hard to remember that.
i don't feel like writing anymore.
write more soon...
hopefully.
I never liked May anyways.
I've always preferred June. Probably because its the best month of all. (My birthday is June 3rd) ;-)
We have done 2 cycles of clomid with intercourse & 2 cycles of clomid with IUI.
This cycle I had 4 follicles. That's the most I have had. I feel really good about this cycle. I am feeling real positive. It's nice.
The Clomid & Estradiol both have a side effect of weight gain- which definitely isn't helping my eating disorder. My clothes don't fit the way they used to. and my stomach sticks out in a way i am not too thrilled about. But i am trying to just remember that it is the medication. Its hard to remember that.
i don't feel like writing anymore.
write more soon...
hopefully.
Monday, May 5, 2014
next time
next time will be my time. scratch that... next time will be OUR time. Next cycle. this month is ours. May will be our month. may will be our month.
maybe if i say it over and over again, i will believe it and it will be true. maybe. just maybe.
two cycles of clomid w/intercourse- nothing.
one cycle of clomid w/IUI - nothing
doesn't sound of seem like much when it is spelled out like that. but each of those represent a month, and an incredible heartbreak. every time i get my period- it is like having a miscarriage all over again.
it serves as a very bitter reminder. a reminder that i am broken. That i can't just do what my natural body is supposed to do.
and every time it is so easy to get caught up in how bad it hurts. how bad i want to stop. how i want to give up. how helpless and hopeless i feel.
those thoughts and emotions run through me at 100 times the volume and intensity then the ones that say "it's only been 3 months, and your uterine lining is great, and you are responding super well to the medication, most "normal" couples don't conceive the first 3 months of trying. you are meant to be a mom. you will be a mom. you will get pregnant. keep trying, don't give up, god gave you this hand for a reason." those thoughts are quiet whispers. those are the ones that i need to be turned up to max- the ones i need pounding in my head- yet they always slip... just out of reach.
i eventually pick them up again- and hold on to them. But i don't think i ever fully believe them.
how can i get pregnant if i don't truly believe it will happen?
if i don't have faith in it- then why would it ever happen?
i have always been my worst enemy- and this is no exception. I am great at pumping Camerin up- telling him everything will work out, but i can't seem to get myself to actually fully believe it.
i mean, in my heart i think i do. but there is that part of me- that doubts it. that has always been my weakness. doubt.
i am gonna kick doubts ass.
I AM GOING TO BE A MOM.
i know that i was created to be a mom. i KNOW that god wants me to be a mom. I wouldn't have been made the way i was if that wasn't true.
i need to remind myself of that every single day. and if i believe it- it will happen. i just know it.
maybe if i say it over and over again, i will believe it and it will be true. maybe. just maybe.
two cycles of clomid w/intercourse- nothing.
one cycle of clomid w/IUI - nothing
doesn't sound of seem like much when it is spelled out like that. but each of those represent a month, and an incredible heartbreak. every time i get my period- it is like having a miscarriage all over again.
it serves as a very bitter reminder. a reminder that i am broken. That i can't just do what my natural body is supposed to do.
and every time it is so easy to get caught up in how bad it hurts. how bad i want to stop. how i want to give up. how helpless and hopeless i feel.
those thoughts and emotions run through me at 100 times the volume and intensity then the ones that say "it's only been 3 months, and your uterine lining is great, and you are responding super well to the medication, most "normal" couples don't conceive the first 3 months of trying. you are meant to be a mom. you will be a mom. you will get pregnant. keep trying, don't give up, god gave you this hand for a reason." those thoughts are quiet whispers. those are the ones that i need to be turned up to max- the ones i need pounding in my head- yet they always slip... just out of reach.
i eventually pick them up again- and hold on to them. But i don't think i ever fully believe them.
how can i get pregnant if i don't truly believe it will happen?
if i don't have faith in it- then why would it ever happen?
i have always been my worst enemy- and this is no exception. I am great at pumping Camerin up- telling him everything will work out, but i can't seem to get myself to actually fully believe it.
i mean, in my heart i think i do. but there is that part of me- that doubts it. that has always been my weakness. doubt.
i am gonna kick doubts ass.
I AM GOING TO BE A MOM.
i know that i was created to be a mom. i KNOW that god wants me to be a mom. I wouldn't have been made the way i was if that wasn't true.
i need to remind myself of that every single day. and if i believe it- it will happen. i just know it.
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
Little Earthquakes
Oh these little earthquakes
Here we go again
These little earthquakes
Doesn't take much to rip us into pieces
Seems fitting right now. i got my period today. which stings. hard. This past month has been our first month of fertility treatment. My hopes shouldn't have been high- but alas, they were. in the past week- i really thought i was pregnant. I was tricking myself.
my heart is pretty shattered right now. In a way that probably doesn't make sense to most. But that's their problem- not mine. I think most people think its a little pathetic (thats not the right word) to be so upset about getting my period. But considering the roller coaster me and camerin have been on- i think it is more than justified.
i have been crying most of the day, which is definitely not helping- but i don't know what else to do.
my heart hurts. i don't want to type anymore.
Here we go again
These little earthquakes
Doesn't take much to rip us into pieces
Seems fitting right now. i got my period today. which stings. hard. This past month has been our first month of fertility treatment. My hopes shouldn't have been high- but alas, they were. in the past week- i really thought i was pregnant. I was tricking myself.
my heart is pretty shattered right now. In a way that probably doesn't make sense to most. But that's their problem- not mine. I think most people think its a little pathetic (thats not the right word) to be so upset about getting my period. But considering the roller coaster me and camerin have been on- i think it is more than justified.
i have been crying most of the day, which is definitely not helping- but i don't know what else to do.
my heart hurts. i don't want to type anymore.
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
Two Week Wait
i am on day 10 of my 2 week wait. and it is killing me. i want to know so badly if i am pregnant, but i am also extremely scared... i don't know what else to really say, i just thought i should update since i haven't in awhile.
this is me and camerin's first month using fertility treatments to try to conceive. i am on all kinds of hormones, and have been a mess the whole time. HAHA. Hormones are no joke. Anyways. my mind is a mess. but i am doing alright. for the most part.
this is me and camerin's first month using fertility treatments to try to conceive. i am on all kinds of hormones, and have been a mess the whole time. HAHA. Hormones are no joke. Anyways. my mind is a mess. but i am doing alright. for the most part.
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