earned my strips

i have not been thinking much. i haven't blogged, and in fact i haven't even taken care of myself.

i have been sick for 3 weeks now. moved to a new place, and worked the whole time.

today i am having a pretty good body day... like it's not bad, but it's not great either.

i guess in general i am in this complacent state.  just neutral. a little dissociative too. the only time i am feeling real content and solid is when i am home, with camerin.

the good things that have happened lately is gaining some more acceptance of my body. i have been looking at it in a slightly different way, a less judging way. it feels nice.

i have been looking at a lot of things for inspiration in that aspect of my life. one of the pictures i stumbled upon showed a womens stretch marks, and had text on it that said "i'm a tiger who has earned her strips". I liked that a lot. i need to accept my stretch marks and loose skin for what they are. They are more than anything my battle scars, that represent all the torment, teasing, and the lowest points that i have climbed myself out of. they show how strong i really am.

These Are My Strips...

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Bad Ed day

Ed is pretty loud- but to be honest he isn't lying too much.

He is telling me I am fat... But I know I am not fat... But he is also telling me I should work out more- which I completely agree with him on

He is also telling me that beer doesn't feel good in my body, or maybe my body is telling is telling me that, but it's easier to believe its Ed

Pizza also doesn't feel good in my body. I have the beginning of heartburn, And feel extremely heavy... Pizza is not a good choice for me

My brain is so confused.

I actually think I miss my eating disorder... To be honest...

It felt easier then...

Bloating

Probably one of the most annoying things ever.

Barely hungry- but continue to eat because I am trying to get better.

I look huge. I hate this so much... I feel like never eating again....

Laura Jane Grace

Fair warning: this has nothing to do with food or my eating disorder. Just some thoughts after an amazing show....

Last night me and my husband went to see Against Me in concert. It was hands down one of the most amazing shows i have ever been too. Recently Against Me's lead singer came out as transgendered, and has changed her name to Laura Jane Grace. this is something that hits home for me and camerin.

Camerin is transgendered, and although he doesn't live his life as a women, he has both sides of him. He is almost gender neutral in a way. It's like it is just something that doesn't need to be defined. It is fluid.

Seeing Laura perform on stage while Candice stood beside me looking so beautiful was an experience unlike anything i have experienced. To see the smile on Laura's face as she sang, and to truly feel her happiness and energy, and to see that translating to my Candice- meant the world to me.

it was simply an amazing experience that i can't get out of my head. and it feels inspiring. Inspiring to be brave, and to fight, and make a difference.

amazing

No makeup kind of day

No makeup today... No makeup yesterday or the day before... Feels good. Feeling beautiful and confident without my makeup is amazing.

One more step towards self acceptance.

Feeling stronger everyday.

can't i just be recovered already?

i know that is a selfish thing to say. recovery is a process, and i am aware of that. but it's annoying and frustrating. some days i just don't want to put the work in... i just want to be normal... or feel normal. pretend to be normal.

in spite of wanting to just be recovered- i have been doing pretty good lately. at least i think so. i have challenged myself to eat the uncomfortable things, and to be hyper sensitive to my hunger and fullness. i bought the intuitive eating book- and i am trying very hard to talk it seriously and apply it to my life.

i have not binged, and i have not restricted. but my hunger is not what it used to be. i am sure its because of the cysts in my ovaries and because of all the other things wrong with my tummy. can i just have one day where i don't have a stomach ache? thats not too much to ask for is it?

i want to get involved in something that promotes eating disorder awareness, and helps those struggling with eating disorders. i am sure there are some groups and what not that i could do something with.

my mind hasn't been as flooded with thoughts of food, and weight loss.... but they have been there still. i have been trying to challenge them.

i haven't worn makeup other than mascara for a few days- my skin and eyes have been hurting- plus i want to challenge myself it not have my makeup to make me feel "pretty". 

What does it mean...

...when something changes how it's always been...

I find myself re-evaluating. Becoming more distant in a search of self discovery.

For the first time in my life I am thinking about myself first... And it feels weird.

I find my patience runs thin these days. I don't tolerate things as well as I once had. Maybe that's a good thing, but in some ways it feels so wrong.

I used to pride myself on my patience, on my supportive nature. I still do- but it's different now. It's like watching intervention- and giving everyone their final straw.

I have reached mine. I can't enable any longer. I won't. But it's driving a wedge between me and the things I have known my whole life.

These things were once my absolute truths. They were crystal clear. Perfect, unscratched, sparkling crystal. Now I am looking at them again, and seeing all the flaws, the inclusions, they aren't as clean as I thought they were, in fact they need so polishing.

I can't settle for good enough, or second best anymore. I have been doing that forever and it has gotten me nowhere.

I can only hope that those around me can understand. And that the people closest to me don't take offense.

I am living for me.

I don't quite know how to do it yet- but I am learning.