Downward spiral

For a year there has been only one thing on my mind. Becoming a mom. 

For 8 weeks I was pregnant. 

For 6 months I have been on medicine and undergoing fertility treatments. 

They haven't worked. 

When it's broken up like that- it doesn't seem as long. Doesn't seem as hard. The reality though, is that it's been the hardest thing I have ever experienced. 

I don't know who I am anymore. I'm not the same person. Not in the slightest. 

Most days it takes everything I have to not cry. 

I don't talk about it, because there is no point. There is no one in my life that actually understand. There is no one who will just listen- and not try to fix me. 

So I suffer silently, by myself. Sitting in the bathroom, crying, while Camerin sleeps. 

I don't know what the next step is. I don't know what the answers are. All I know is that I am tired, and miss being me. 

Support

Don't come easy. All I need or want is a hug, a gentle hand. Knowing I am loved. Cared for. 

I don't need answers and I don't need to be fixed. I just need support. 

That's all. 

What am I

I'm not woman. 

A woman can reproduce

She can do the one thing her body is designed to do.

She can do it without medicine

Without needles

Without doctors

She doesn't need to spend thousands of dollars

Dreaming that this time will be the time

That this treatment will work

That this time will be different than last time

She doesn't pray at night endlessly 

To a god she doesn't know is listening 

That she doesn't know is real

Wishing on stars that may not be stars at all

Dreaming every night of the only thing she has wanted

Superstitious to a fault

Dying for the one thing she knows she is meant to be

While falling apart at the seams

She will never be the same. How can you expect her to be. Life has changed. Forever. 

one of the sad days

today has been one of those days where you feel sad but can't quite figure out why. I am sure its because of the hormones, but that doesn't make it any easier.

It's been a day filled with Against Me (most days are) and being on the verge of tears. If I could properly word the way I am feeling- I would. But it simply isn't coming to me.

Today I don't feel like a woman.

I looked at my insurance benefits today. I get a $10,000 lifetime maximum of fertility coverage. I thought it was $10,000 a year. Silly me. We've already used $4,500. If this cycle doesn't work- we will have to do IVF. Which means we will have to break for awhile- because we will be paying for at least half of it- and IVF is expensive.

I know I shouldn't be so bummed, because I am lucky that I have ANY coverage for it. I am extremely grateful for that. But figuring that out today hit hard. Made me think about my future a lot...and how there is a chance that I don't get to be a mom.

that is what made me feel like I am not a woman.

Afterall- isn't the lack of the ability to reproduce one of the biggest arguments for why transgender women aren't real women? If they aren't real women- than neither am I. (I think that argument is garbage- BTW)

I am holding back tears as I type right now. That means this is enough for today.

something i don't talk about...

I talk openly about 99% of things in my life. I believe in being an open book. Maybe to the point of being too open at times. I probably expose more than people want to know- but I am fine with that.

I don't believe in keeping quiet- because experiences need to be shared, they need to be felt. Most things have been fairly easy to talk about. My depression, self injury, relationship with Camerin, eating disorder, miscarriage, and infertility. Ask me anything and I will answer. Honestly. You may not like the answer- but I will still give it to you.

There is one thing I never talk about, unless I feel a real deep desire to. I don't want to say that I pretend it doesn't exist- but that's probably exactly what it is.

I was sexually assaulted at my job when I was 16 years old. This is something that needs to be talked about- yet is something that I keep quiet about. Why?

I guess 12 years later, I still feel ashamed. I definitely don't feel like I was to blame- no matter how much my job tried to tell me differently. I am ashamed that I didn't do anything about it. That I didn't seek action against my employer. Even after HR tried to tell me that I "blurred the lines", and tried to make me feel like I was to blame. Even after my employer didn't terminate the man who assaulted me and I had to work with him for multiple weeks until they finally let him go. Even after several staff members retaliated and treated me horribly afterwards. I still didn't do anything.

I try to live life without regrets. I know everyone says that- but I really do. I try to find the good out of every situation and experience. I regret not doing something. I regret not being firmer, not pushing harder, not taking action.

The thing is, we are conditioned as women to not speak up. To shut up and live with it. To take it as a compliment that someone wanted to touch us. And that's honestly how I felt.

I was a chubby girl (which shouldn't have mattered) who was bullied for years, I was insecure. I honestly believed that I should be thankful that any man would want to touch me. I was disgusting. I stayed in an awful relationship because- at least I had a boyfriend. I believed these things whole heartedly. I believed them to be truth. I was ugly- so I deserved to be treated like nothing. I deserved to be sexually assaulted. I deserved a shitty relationship and a guy who would cheat on me.

It's disgusting to me now to think that I ever thought that way.  I was raised to be independent- and am proud of that- but when faced with a relationship, or men- I had no idea what to do. I figured the only thing to do was submit.

Not anymore. I am too proud of who I am now, to ever back down. I have learned too much, and been through battles that have changed me. I know my value. Which is why it hurts that I still find it hard to talk about my sexual assault. Even typing this has made me anxious and nauseous. Getting the story out there takes the power away from the memory. Right? The more I talk about it- the less power it has. You can't change the past- but you can change the way it makes you feel....

Finding myself again

for the past month i've been listening to pretty much nothing but Against Me! I will listen to something else, but always go right back.

The music is hitting me in a way that i haven't felt in a long time. I am remembering why i fell in love with music. Why i always loved punk music. The way it makes me feel. I actually feel. Thats probably the thing.

I have been living numb for longer than anyone knows or realizes. Those around me see a recovered girl. I put on a good front. I am no doubt a lot better than i used to be- but the days are still hard. Add in the miscarriage and the days can be horrendous.

Laura's words are helping me feel. Helping in a way that is hard to explain. She is an inspiration in so many ways. And i aspire to be the same way. To be confident in who i am, and what my struggle is. And to over come it. Having had an eating disorder for pretty much my whole life- her words are extremely relatable. The uncomfortableness with your body, never feeling like you were what you were supposed to be. I felt that forever.

I also don't feel like a real woman. That is the hardest thought process right now. I am at war with my body in more than one way- and i am losing. The infertility has robbed me of my feelings of womanhood. I don't know how to fully process that, or change those feelings. Losing the baby stole a part of my womanhood- but infertility took the rest. So the current battle to feel like a woman everyday is something that Laura's words are helping with.

Again my words are not forming properly. Which is frustrating me a lot today. I promise i am much more eloquent usually, but for some reason words are not forming the sentences i want today.

Like A Girl

Yesterday I was watching my favorite news show as i got ready for work. They were doing an eating competition, between a male anchor and a female reporter. The female won. And instead of them congratulating her or talking about her win. They immediately discredited it, and said that the male must have thrown the competition and that he ate "like a girl." I was immediately disappointed. And that disappointment has continued to sit with me.

i am angry about the way the world is. the way the world treats women. We are continuously discredited. Our accomplishments are only celebrated in a state of shock. Its never about how talented or skilled we are. Its about the fact that we succeed in spite of being a woman. Like it is so rare for a woman to be good at something.


Why is being a girl the ultimate insult? Why is it that anything that is done "bad" is being done "like a girl." Its disturbing. It's disgusting that it is 2014 and we still need to have these kinds of conversations. That we haven't made the progress that we should have.

These thoughts are not streamlined. and are not making complete sense i am sure. Mostly because i am thinking and typing through irritation. I will write something much better when i am more composed.

The point is- being a girl- is amazing. And to me it means you are strong, beautiful, talented, and so so so much more. All the women in my life are amazing, and in a lot of ways- they are stronger than the men. Lets stop using "like a girl" as an insult. Every time that is said- we are hurting all of our girls. Being a woman is not something to be ashamed of- it is something to be celebrated. Being you should be celebrated. No matter who you are.