Recovery

Had another ultrasound on Monday- everything was exactly the same. I had a d&c yesterday. 

I feel empty. Really sad. And lonely. I feel like no one understands what I am going through, and that no one thinks it's as big of a deal as it is. I feel like a pain in the ass laying on my parents couch. Like a nuisance. 

I want to go home. Where I can cry if I want, where I don't have to worry about getting in anyone's way. Where I can just exist and grieve however I want to. 

Day 2- a little stronger

I am a little stronger today than I was yesterday.

 I have decided that I do not want to have a D&C. If I haven't had a miscarriage naturally by Monday- I am going to ask for a second ultrasound. 

I know the chances are slim- but I have also read a lot of stories where a week later there was a heartbeat. I may not be one of those stories, but I cannot bear not trying. 

I could not live with myself if I had any thought that my baby could be alive and I chose to go through with the D&C. 

I know I will probably miscarry- I have accepted that- however I have to exhaust every option and hold on to a little hope. Maybe there will be a miracle. 

I pray there is. 

Angel mom

Haven't blogged in awhile. I have my reasons. Recovery is fine. And that is not why I wasn't blogging. 

First I think I just wanted a break. A time to be "normal"

Second thing- I was pregnant. 

Today me and camerin went in my first ultrasound. I was 8 weeks and 3 days pregnant. We were going to see the heartbeat of our little baby, only there wasn't a heartbeat. And our baby was only developed for around 7 weeks and 4 days. Baby had stopped living about a week ago. In an instant I felt my entire heart shatter and my world was immediately changed. 

I was not naive. I knew miscarriage was a possible. And not only possible- I was at a higher risk. (I have been having some issues with my ovarian reserve) 

But knowing that, doesnt change how I feel right now. It doesn't change the pain in my heart. I feel a sadness I never knew was possible. I loved that small teeny tiny baby more than I love most people I know. 

My feelings are real. And they hurt like hell. I know that this happened because there was some Abnormality or issue with the development- but that doesn't change the love I had for my baby. 

I am not discouraged. I know that when it is right it will happen. I have faith that next time I will carry full term and have a healthy baby, but right now- I am hurting. 

I don't know what else to say... 

This quote feels right right now...

"We asked god for a baby, instead he gave us an angel" 

I am still a mom- I am just a mom to an angel. 

Love you forever lil punkin. 

Long time

I haven't blogged in a long time. And I think it's because I have been happy. It feels like it's easier to write when I am upset or stressed out. But life has been happy, content.

Me and camerin are moving forward, and beginning to plan for having a baby. I am not pregnant- but we are going to start trying soon. I am beyond excited

Dear Chelsea

Dear 9 year old Chelsea- You are amazing. simply said. Your energy and spirit is infectious, there isn't a person who meets you that doesn't fall in love with you. Your confidence is admirable and something to hold on to. Don't let the things that people say bring you down and make you change who you are. You are not fat and worthless like you think you are. You are beautiful. Changing your weight will not change who you are, it is not what defines you. You are so much more than your weight. You are an amazing girl, who can conquer the world. The world is yours for the taking. Don't forget that.



Dear 12 year old Chelsea- The things being said about you do not define you. the mean things that kids are saying do not change what an amazing person you are. the size of your jeans doesn't take away from all the beauty you have. People who bring you down, and make fun of you are not people you want in your life. Think about the people you do have in your life, and how wonderful they make you feel. You do not need to lose weight to be a good person. You do not need to be any different then you are. You are perfect the way you are. Obsessing about your weight will only harm you in the end. Your worth is not measured by the scale or the things kids say about you. you are beautiful. tell yourself that everyday. you are going to change the world someday.



Dear 16 year old Chelsea- High school sucks, but you will get through. and believe it or not. you will look back it more fondly then you think you will. You are stronger and better then the things people are saying. Ignore them. Don't let them effect you. you are worth more then you think you are. The scars you are inflicting on yourself are not worth it- even though they seem like it right now. no amount of your own blood that spill will make you feel better. no diet you go on will make you happier. you know who are, and let that person shine. you are amazing.



Dear 21 year old Chelsea- Your life is going to get even more amazing then it already is. i promise you that. You are going to meet an amazing person that make everything make sense. Your self hatred needs to end. Start seeing yourself through other peoples eyes- then you will see how beautiful you are. It's great that you have put in the work to get healthy. but don't take it too far. You don't need to prove anything to anyone. because you are great the way you are. I promise. There is NOTHING about you that needs to change.



Dear 26 year old Chelsea- Your life has become unmanageable. You have an eating disorder, but that doesn't mean you are broken. You will get through this, and it will get better. You have an amazing support system around you, use them. They are there to help you. When you don't think you are beautiful, look to them. They will help show you just how beautiful you really are. You have done the right things to get better. You admitted your problem and the treatment you are receiving is going to work. Don't ever give up hope. Life is beautiful- start believing that.

Love, Almost 27 year old Chelsea P.S. Never forget that you are loved.

selfish vs. selfless

i have always considered myself a selfless person.

self·less

adjective

having little or no concern for oneself, especially with regard to fame, position, money, etc.; unselfish.

for as long as i can remember i have always cared more about others than myself. however, in looking at it now in regards to my eating disorder... i have been entirely selfish and not selfless. 

self·ish

adjective

1.devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others.

2.characterized by or manifesting concern or care only for oneself: selfish motives.

i truly believed that my eating disorder only affected me, and did not hurt anyone else. It was mine. No one knew about it, so no one had to be concerned about it. but i was wrong. everyone was affected.

when i wouldn't be able to attend a social event because of fear of eating and people seeing me eat, it affected my friendships.
when me and my husband couldn't go out to dinner without me being filled with guilt and shame it affected our relationship.
when the fear of binging at my parents house kept me from coming over and visiting, it affected our connection, which i had always been so proud of. 

the truth is that my eating disorder has kept me from a lot of things, and has also had an affect on every relationship in my life. and now that i am in recovery- that doesn't mean that changes.

my husband now has to worry about if i am eating too little or too much or if this next time we go out to eat will be ok and worry free or if it will be filled with anxiety. He has to go with me to the gym, because i might have an anxiety attack, or i might push myself too far. I might be triggered. He has to think about my eating disorder almost as much as i do, and i had never really thought about that until just now. I have asked so much of him without even thinking about it. He has given up a lot in order to support me, and be there for every need i might have. 

i am sure he would give anything to have one day where i don't ask him if i am fat, or ask him if he likes my body. he deserves that. he goes above and beyond to show me how beautiful he thinks i am and how i am his dream girl, but i never believe him. i always ask again, and again. if he stopped telling me those things one day, i wouldn't blame him. it sounds exhausting. 

my family is the same way. they go out of their way to tell me how wonderful i am, how good i look, how beautiful i am. They check up on me, and help me through every panic attack, or binge or any other eating disorder behaviors i am doing at the time. My parents and brother have always thought i was beautiful. Even when i was heavy. None of them saw what i saw. And i always just thought they were lying to me. feeding me a bunch of bullshit, because they didn't want to hurt my feelings. the truth is- they weren't lying. no one ever was. all they ever saw was who i was, the real chelsea. and they always thought i was beautiful. 

i owe it to them to believe them. Because that fact is- i am NEVER going to see myself the way everyone else does. I will ALWAYS see a new stretch mark, another place i could lose weight, something to perfect, whatever it may be- i will always see a flaw. I will never look in the mirror and see a true representation of what i look like, because my view is jaded. my view is blocked by my insecurities, and by all the bullshit i believe to be an absolute truth. 

i have always told myself that if the people in my life thought i was beautiful and good enough, and if they really meant it, that i would be fine. but the problem isn't that they don't mean it, the problem is that i don't know how to believe them. and that is unfair of me. No one is lying to me. they are telling the truth. i am the one lying to myself. telling myself that i need to be this way or that way, and then i will be perfect. i actually had a conversation with my mom where i sat there and told her i was ugly, and that i knew it was true, and that she didn't have to lie to me anymore.  i remember that conversation vividly. i remember how sad my mom looked when i told her this. i think back on this conversation a lot. because it shows how jaded my view of myself is. and shows just how sick i was. 

thank you to those who are still here. still standing by my side. because i know i have not made it easy. and i know that my eating disorder has affected you as well. Thank you for being selfless when i was being selfish. i love you all, and i vow to try to see myself how you see me. and i vow to believe you when you tell me things about myself. i will stop questioning you, because i know in my heart- you would never lie to me.