So dumb

What a night.... Most of it was fun, but I drank too much... Which in turn usually means I eat too much too... Went to bed feeling really guilty. My emotions were ridiculous too... Basically a mess....

I try so hard, everyday. I try to just be normal. Do what normal people without all these bullshit issues would do. Eat dinner with the family, have beers and eat some snacks- and not have these things alter your entire world... Go out to lunch with friends and eat what you want to eat, and not feel like shit about it later. But that's just not my reality.

I really thought I was getting better... But right now, I feel worse. All I think about it food and my body. It's draining. My insecurities are at an all time high right now... I seriously can't think of really anything i feel good about right now... How sad.

annoyed

i didn't reach my goal- in the slightest. i know i haven't lost any weight, and it is frustrating me so much. i know i have eaten bad, and eaten when i haven't wanted to and i know i have over ate at times too.

Binging is one of the weirdest feelings ever. while i am doing it, i know exactly what i am doing- but i can't stop it. no matter how much i want too. i feel completely out of control in those moments. but there is a comfort in it. because when i am done, i can be mad at myself about it, and be completely justified. i then have a reason to be mad and upset with myself.

I am weak. that is the simplest way to describe it. and it is completely true. if i wasn't weak- i would have lost the weight. if i had lost the weight- i would be happy. if i was happy- camerin would want me more.

my insecurities are running rampant and tearing me apart right now. i can't remember the last time i felt beautiful, cute, sexy, or even just content. i would settle for content right now. anything would be better then this.

Pretending

I think I am doing a pretty good job of pretending lately. But it's getting old. I can't keep pretending to be ok... When inside I am not really alright... And all I want to do is not eat and to feel sone control again. My anxiety is terrible... I couldn't even be in the bathroom showering without Camerin being in there to talk to me and keep me calm... So sad....

A little better...

Things are a little better.... Maybe. I don't really know I guess. My thoughts are still focused on being skinnier, but I have been eating 3 times a day... So I guess that is good.

I have also been doing yoga with cam the past couple nights.... We skipped a day, but I am going to do it tonight. It seems to be helping make me feel better- so that's good :)

I am still trying to lose weight- but I guess just trying to be healthier about it.... I guess that's progress.. :)

Good morning

I feel a little better this morning. Me and Camerin did yoga last night, which made me feel pretty good. I still feel fat, but I feel like at least I am doing something about it.

Cam said he would like to keep doing yoga with me, so that will definitely help.

I am at the lab right now, waiting to get my blood drawn. And tested... Super exciting. I had an appointment at a gastroenterologist last Thursday, and he ordered some blood work.... And then we will do an endoscopy. I am nervous for when that happens- but excited too- it will be nice to finally know what's wrong.

inspiration

This is me and my husband last year on halloween.... i was without a doubt my skinniest here... this is my inspiration- i want to be here again. by the end of the month... i know i can do it... i have to.

A new plan

I weighed myself today... And I was disappointed... Not that I am surprised, at all. I need to do better an I promise myself I will.

I want to lose 10 pounds. Just 10, that's not too much and I don't think that is ridiculous.

I know I can do it. And I am fairly confident I can do it without getting carried away. I hope I can do it.

To be honest, I don't care if I do get carried away a little bit... I need to make myself happy... And thats what I plan on doing. I know I would e happier 10 pounds lighter.