how

how do you keep positivity flowing when all you want to do is cry?
how do you keep fighting when the only thing that makes sense is giving up?

i want to quit. i want to cry. i want to just curl up in a ball and forget about today. sleep until i can actually be pregnant. sleep until i have a child.

i've seen her. i've held her in my dreams. she hasn't visited in a long time. but i know she is real. i just don't know why she is taking so long to come to me.

i love you more than anyone already. my world is already all about you. i just want to hold you. and kiss you and love you.

i will never stop fighting for you. 

focus on the positive

tomorrow is the day my period is due.

its coming right now. there has been a small amount of blood, and i can feel it. i am so sad. Words don't do justice to the sadness. There is no way to describe what this feeling is like every month.

it is a feeling of absolute defeat. one that i have never felt until doing fertility treatments. it is the worst pain i have ever experienced.

i had a good feeling this time. But i have had a good feeling every time.

trying to focus on the positive. We have still only done 5 months of fertility treatment. and have only been "actually" trying for 8 months.

IUI is supposed to work within 3-4 tries. this was try 3. i say we give try 4 a chance. if that doesn't work- we move to ivf. 

we still have options.

i just want my family.

2WW

The dreaded 2WW.

i have 4 more days left in my 2WW. and they are torture.

if you don't know, 2WW is the 2 week period of time between ovulation & knowing if you are pregnant.

this is my 5th 2WW and it isn't any easier than the ones before it.

I thought i was doing so good. Not thinking about it. Not stressing. Just living life and feeling carefree. What will be will be and all that. but today it hit me. Like a ton of bricks.

Today i feel cramps- and my day is ruined. Cramps can mean anything. It could be period cramps or pregnancy cramps. So letting myself be broken about cramps is pointless. But it is real.

I want to lay in bed and cry right now.

the 2WW is seriously the worst.

i realize that i haven't been blogging much and this is probably something i should be blogging. even if no one ever reads it- at least i am letting my feelings out. and thats whats important....right?

My doctor said she recommends we move to IVF if this cycle doesn't take. I am ready for that. So ready. I am ready to be pregnant. But i am scared.

i don't even know what to write anymore.

i am so tired.

June...

May wasn't our month.

I never liked May anyways.

I've always preferred June. Probably because its the best month of all. (My birthday is June 3rd) ;-)

We have done 2 cycles of clomid with intercourse & 2 cycles of clomid with IUI.

This cycle I had 4 follicles. That's the most I have had. I feel really good about this cycle. I am feeling real positive. It's nice.

The Clomid & Estradiol both have a side effect of weight gain- which definitely isn't helping my eating disorder. My clothes don't fit the way they used to. and my stomach sticks out in a way i am not too thrilled about. But i am trying to just remember that it is the medication. Its hard to remember that.

i don't feel like writing anymore.

write more soon...

hopefully.