reality

everyday reality sets in more and more. everyday is another reminder that i am not pregnant anymore. every baby i see is another baby that isn't mine. as if the struggle of overcoming my loss wasn't enough- today ED has decided to make a vicious comeback. Louder and stronger than ever before. i am not exaggerating in the slightest when i say that ALL DAY i have been thinking about my body. Every thing i have eaten today has been a struggle. Every bite was a mental battle where ED was telling me not to eat. All i want to do right now is not eat. i know i can't do that. i know that ED won't work the way he did before. and that i can't take him back into my life. but right now- he seems like a nice distraction. i want so badly to not feel any of the things i am feeling right now- that i really don't care if it hurts me. i want to sit and cry. for hours, for days, for weeks. I want so much to not wake up every morning and put my happy face on. I want to escape. i want to go back in time. I want to be pregnant again. i want a lot of things. but more than anything, i want to be happy. and i want to feel like myself again. i don't know who this chelsea is. I miss the old chelsea. will i ever get the old chelsea back? i guess that is something to think about. How can i ever be that person again? i am changed. nothing will ever be the same as it was. and maybe thats the hardest part about all of this. i want to forget. i want to pretend nothing happened. i want to pretend i was never pregnant. that i was never walking in the baby aisles, planning my future childs whole life. i want it to have just been a really crazy dream with a really bad ending. but thats not reality. and i know i have to face reality. but how? how is that even possible with ED breathing down my neck? i don't like these feelings. they are very much unwelcome in my life. but i don't know how to stop them. when i left treatment- i felt so strong. so powerful. so full of life. Lately i feel weak. powerless. sad. i want that to change.

Getting caught up in the "Why Me"

this week has been challenging so far. This sunday would have been the completion of my first trimester... if i was still pregnant. This week would have been the week where i was getting all excited and ready to tell everyone... instead i am crying and not sleeping. i don't think i have slept since i saw my babies heart not beating. everyday i feel more and more exhausted. But i am trying to keep pushing through. This week though... is hard. this month is pregnancy & infant loss awareness month. That doesn't help either.

i have been real positive for the most part. but today and this week, i find myself getting caught up in the "why me".

Why me? Why us?

I am married, to an amazing husband. We both have good jobs. We are both healthy. We pay our bills on time, are responsible, aren't addicted to anything, etc, etc... We waited 2 years to try for a baby so we could have that time to grow and become fully prepared(or as prepared as you can be). We have done everything the way it is "supposed" to be done, and yet we lose our baby while teen mom can't cast their shows fast enough...

I was raised to be a non-judgemental person, but right now- i am finding that harder and harder to do. I know everyone has there own struggles. But when i am getting lab work done, or going in to have a second ultrasound to make sure they weren't wrong, it is hard to see pregnant 16-20 year olds.

the only thing i have ever wanted from my life, is to be a mom. I swear, thats it. My mom is the most amazing mom, and my whole life all i have wanted to do was be a mom like her. So losing our baby, feels like my dreams were stolen.

i am trying to push through the "why me" and the judging. trying to break through the bitterness and the sadness, but its hard. sometimes are better then others. today- is a bad day. Yesterday was ok. Hopefully tomorrow will be good.