Empty

That is the best way to describe how I feel. I feel empty. 

When baby was growing inside of me- I felt whole. I had Camerin and our baby. We were a family. 

In one instant all of that was taken away from me. In the blink of an eye. 

My heart aches in a way I have never experienced before. It hurts worse that I could have ever imagined. It feels not just broken, but empty. 

There is a piece of it missing, and I don't know how to fix it. 

I know it hasn't been long, but I have been waiting to start feeling a little better- but it seems like everyday is exactly the same as the one before. And I fear it will never get better. And that I will never not be sad. 

I know in my heart, that it will get better. That I will never forget- but I will be able to make it through a day without crying. 

I know in my heart that god is taking care of my angel baby and me. I know I am meant to be a mom and that I will get that dream someday. 

But in this moment. None of that seems possible. 

Recovery

Had another ultrasound on Monday- everything was exactly the same. I had a d&c yesterday. 

I feel empty. Really sad. And lonely. I feel like no one understands what I am going through, and that no one thinks it's as big of a deal as it is. I feel like a pain in the ass laying on my parents couch. Like a nuisance. 

I want to go home. Where I can cry if I want, where I don't have to worry about getting in anyone's way. Where I can just exist and grieve however I want to. 

Day 2- a little stronger

I am a little stronger today than I was yesterday.

 I have decided that I do not want to have a D&C. If I haven't had a miscarriage naturally by Monday- I am going to ask for a second ultrasound. 

I know the chances are slim- but I have also read a lot of stories where a week later there was a heartbeat. I may not be one of those stories, but I cannot bear not trying. 

I could not live with myself if I had any thought that my baby could be alive and I chose to go through with the D&C. 

I know I will probably miscarry- I have accepted that- however I have to exhaust every option and hold on to a little hope. Maybe there will be a miracle. 

I pray there is. 

Angel mom

Haven't blogged in awhile. I have my reasons. Recovery is fine. And that is not why I wasn't blogging. 

First I think I just wanted a break. A time to be "normal"

Second thing- I was pregnant. 

Today me and camerin went in my first ultrasound. I was 8 weeks and 3 days pregnant. We were going to see the heartbeat of our little baby, only there wasn't a heartbeat. And our baby was only developed for around 7 weeks and 4 days. Baby had stopped living about a week ago. In an instant I felt my entire heart shatter and my world was immediately changed. 

I was not naive. I knew miscarriage was a possible. And not only possible- I was at a higher risk. (I have been having some issues with my ovarian reserve) 

But knowing that, doesnt change how I feel right now. It doesn't change the pain in my heart. I feel a sadness I never knew was possible. I loved that small teeny tiny baby more than I love most people I know. 

My feelings are real. And they hurt like hell. I know that this happened because there was some Abnormality or issue with the development- but that doesn't change the love I had for my baby. 

I am not discouraged. I know that when it is right it will happen. I have faith that next time I will carry full term and have a healthy baby, but right now- I am hurting. 

I don't know what else to say... 

This quote feels right right now...

"We asked god for a baby, instead he gave us an angel" 

I am still a mom- I am just a mom to an angel. 

Love you forever lil punkin.