Trying

To balance my stress, trying to think positive everyday, and trying to focus on the things I enjoy in life. Trying.

Breathe

So dumb

What a night.... Most of it was fun, but I drank too much... Which in turn usually means I eat too much too... Went to bed feeling really guilty. My emotions were ridiculous too... Basically a mess....

I try so hard, everyday. I try to just be normal. Do what normal people without all these bullshit issues would do. Eat dinner with the family, have beers and eat some snacks- and not have these things alter your entire world... Go out to lunch with friends and eat what you want to eat, and not feel like shit about it later. But that's just not my reality.

I really thought I was getting better... But right now, I feel worse. All I think about it food and my body. It's draining. My insecurities are at an all time high right now... I seriously can't think of really anything i feel good about right now... How sad.

annoyed

i didn't reach my goal- in the slightest. i know i haven't lost any weight, and it is frustrating me so much. i know i have eaten bad, and eaten when i haven't wanted to and i know i have over ate at times too.

Binging is one of the weirdest feelings ever. while i am doing it, i know exactly what i am doing- but i can't stop it. no matter how much i want too. i feel completely out of control in those moments. but there is a comfort in it. because when i am done, i can be mad at myself about it, and be completely justified. i then have a reason to be mad and upset with myself.

I am weak. that is the simplest way to describe it. and it is completely true. if i wasn't weak- i would have lost the weight. if i had lost the weight- i would be happy. if i was happy- camerin would want me more.

my insecurities are running rampant and tearing me apart right now. i can't remember the last time i felt beautiful, cute, sexy, or even just content. i would settle for content right now. anything would be better then this.