The early pregnancy diaries

Here they are... The thoughts and feelings I had during my first trimester. 

Pregnant. 

10/20/14

I'm pregnant. For real. 5 tests say so. Tomorrow the doctor should say so too. I'm pregnant. Without fertility meds. Without really trying.  

Words can't describe the craziness in my head because of this. 

I should be around 5 weeks right now. 7 more weeks until I can say it out loud, at the top of my lungs. 

47 more days. 

The crazy thoughts are there. Every twinge, every pain makes me think I am miscarrying. The thought won't go away. 

47 days. 

December 5th. 

10/21/14

Doctors appointment today. Blood work today & Thursday. Hoping the hcg numbers are rising. 

Ultrasound scheduled for November 10th. 

I'm beyond nervous for that appointment. I will be just barely over 8 weeks at that point- which is further along than I was last time- but it's still nerve racking. 

I feel super sick today. Constantly nauseous. But haven't thrown up. I kinda wish I would. Light headed, exhausted, muscle aches and cramps. 

The cramps are the worse- because they worry me the most. 

46 days.

10/22/14

Slept around 11 hours. Still feel exhausted. How is that possible? 

Nerves are still there, but possibly subsiding a bit... Maybe. 

2 days until I am 6 weeks. For some reason that seems so much better than 5 weeks. Seems so much further along. A little over 2 weeks til the ultrasound.

Prayers and good thoughts running rampant. Please let this baby stay. I want this baby more than anything in the word. 

45 days. Only 45 more days. 

10/23/14

I don't have morning sickness, I have afternoon, early evening, every time I eat sickness. 

I actually kinda have all the time sickness. I haven't thrown up- but I feel like I could all day. 

I read somewhere that morning sickness is a good sign. That women who experience it are less likely to miscarry. I don't know if that's true or not- but I am pretending it is. Apparently it has something to do with the baby attaching itself & getting real comfortable or something. 

44 days! 

Tomorrow I am 6 weeks. 

Wow. 

 

10/24/14

Six weeks. Officially. 

No words. 

2 more weeks until the ultrasound. 

43 days until I can be really happy.

10/25/14

Carpal tunnel. Really? Pregnancy apparently makes you more prone to carpal tunnel. Cool- Cuz I already have carpal tunnel. 

My hands & arms have been going numb for the last few days- at least now I know why. 

Sicker today than yesterday. 

42 more days. Just 42 more days. 

10/26/14

Sick sick sick. 

This sesame seed sure is a little beast. The nausea is beyond real and I just want to lay in bed all day. 

***TMI alert- if you are uncomfortable with bodily functions- scroll down until the next day's entry. ***

The constipation is probably my least favorite part. I already have a whole mess of digestive issues- and the pregnancy is definitely not helping them. I require coffee every morning in order to go to the bathroom. I usually drink 3 cups. I've cut down to 2 cups... And it's half caff. Needless to say- pooping is not happening. 

I already look at least 3 months pregnant- but it's all bloat because I can't poop. Argh! 

I am grateful for this pregnancy- beyond grateful- but man does it make you feel like shit. 

It's almost cruel. 

Aren't I supposed to be glowing from happiness and sheer joy? 

My skin is breaking out and dry, I'm itchy, bloated, gassy, constipated, light headed, nauseous, and sore all over. 

Am I glowing yet? 

Maybe the glow comes in 41 days... When I'm not stressed and worried anymore. 

That's it. That's gotta be it. 

10/27/14

My doctor called today. 

My hcg didn't double- but it rose. It went from 19794 to 33000. She said since my first number was so good- and so high- it didn't matter that it didn't double. 

She said it was fine. 

Keep reminding yourself of that Chelsea. 

Instead of being happy- I keep feeling my boobs to make sure they are still tender, paying close attention to how nauseous I am. Worried it is going to go away. 

But I know it's hasn't . As I type this- I feel like vomiting. The only reason I hadn't felt it- was because I had distracted myself. 

40 days. A month and 10 days. Over half way there. 

10/31/14

Haven't written for a few days. I've been nice and distracted- which is what I needed. Me and Cam have spent a lot of time together and it's been amazing. 

Today I am 7 weeks. Last time I made it 7 weeks & 3 days.  When baby's heartbeat wasn't there- that was how developed baby was. 

I knew I was losing the baby though. One day I woke up- and didn't feel pregnant anymore. I am hoping I don't ever feel that again. 

We have our ultrasound in a week & 3 days. 

36 days. 

11/03/14

Pregnancy is weird. 

The symptoms, the emotions, everything. 

For example- Cam worked an overnight and is now sleeping & snoring peacefully while I lay in bed watching tv. Should be no big deal. Yet every snore makes my stomach turn. Really? A noise is making me want to throw up. First time I've experienced this. Haha. 

Morning sickness doesn't really exist for me. I feel nauseous, but it's not unbearable. By early evening though, I want to die. 

33 days. Ultrasound in a week. 

11/04/14

The emotions are too much today. Been on the verge of crying all day, and no energy to do anything. 

I am scared. 

Scared of losing the baby. 

Scared of having the baby.

Scared of being a mom. 

I've wanted one thing my whole life, to be a mom. Now it's happening. And it's terrifying. 

Camerin is going to transition, and I am so for it. Our lives are changing so much at one time that it is a little overwhelming. 

It's also comforting. In a way. Knowing that life is always changing, that things are always in a transition. 

That these fearful thoughts will fade, and everything will be ok. That I will stop being afraid of being a mom, and just be one. 

I will look back on these blogs and that fear will seem so silly and so far away. 

32 days. 

11/06/14

Motivation fails me. Getting out of bed is a chore. I want to get dolled up and do so many things, but moving is so hard. 

Every moment makes me want to vomit. 

I still haven't vomited- but I feel like it all day everyday. 

I can't wait for pregnancy to feel better. Right now it's just like being ridiculously sick. I don't have a cute belly or anything. It doesn't totally feel real yet. 

30 days. 

11/09/14

Officially lost it. I don't know it's the hormones, going off my meds, or what. But the angry outburst I have been avoiding for years, finally came out. 

The day before my ultrasound. 

We all know where my mind is going now right? 

Yep.  I don't even want to type it. I know I am being ridiculous. Worrying myself sick. I need to just stop. 

Time to go to sleep. 

27 days

11/11/14

Ultrasound went good. 

Baby has a heartbeat- of 167bpm. I can't even describe all the things I am feeling. 

When the ultrasound tech said she saw the heartbeat I started sobbing. Camerin did as well. 

Baby is measuring for 8wks 3days, which is exactly where they thought I was. 

I can't explain the happiness I feel right now. So blessed. 

25 days. 

11/13/14

Depressed lately. I feel like all I am a pregnant woman. Who is wrapped in bubble wrap & no one wants to touch  or anything. 

I'm not Chelsea. I'm not camerins wife. I'm the pregnant woman who sleeps next to him. 

I feel ugly everyday. I'm bloated, breaking out, too tired to get dressed, and I just feel awful about myself. 

These are the things no one tells you about. I am uncomfortable everyday. My body feels foreign. 

And I feel guilty. Guilty for having these feelings, when the only thing I have ever wanted is to be a mom. I just want to do also feel like myself.  

Fucking hormones. 

23 days.

11/16/14

I've never felt more insecure than I do right now. I feel like complete shit everyday. I have no energy and want to throw up constantly. 

I want to get dolled up and feel pretty- but I don't. I feel the ugliest I have ever felt. 

Nothing fits or looks good. And nothing feels good on. My skin is breaking out worse than ever. 

I know I shouldn't complain. I know I should be totally blissful & happy. But this fucking sucks. 

I'm thrilled to be pregnant. But it is fucking painful. I've never felt worse in my life. 

19 days. Then the first trimester is over. Everyone says it gets better after that. 

11/24/14

12 days. 12 more days. Then the first trimester is over. And I couldn't be more excited. 

It still doesn't feel real. Keeping a secret helps it not feel real. I want scream at the top of my lungs about it. But I can't. I just can't. 

Went to disneyland over the weekend. It was great, I didn't ride many rides... Cuz I can't. But being there was nice. It was emotional. And made me happy to think about sharing disneyland with my child, and how much more magical disneyland will be then. 

I feel awful though. The trip took a lot out of me. And all I want to do is sleep... Until next Friday. 

11/26/14

Yesterday I had a doctors appointment. I had no idea what it was for before I got there. It was my first appointment with the doctor. (I usually see a nurse practitioner) 

I figured it was going to be uneventful because they didn't have me put on a gown or anything. 

I was wrong. 

The doctor went over a bunch of stuff and then said she wanted to try and hear the baby's heartbeat. She said not to freak out if she can't- because at 10 weeks you can't always hear it. 

After what felt like an eternity, she said "there's your baby". And i could hear the heartbeat. I immediately started crying. It was the most beautiful thing I have ever heard. 

She said its a huge milestone when they can hear the heartbeat at 10 weeks. Feeling so hopeful. 

10 more days and it will feel super real. The heartbeat made it feel more real- but I am still scared. 10 days

11/28/14

As of today, I am 11 weeks. 

I thought I had stuff to write but I don't. One week left. 8 days.

11/30/14

5 more days... 

Will it feel real then? Once I'm in my 2nd trimester will it all feel right? 

I hope so. 

I know that's not how stuff works... And that this is all a process. But it would be nice to just feel good and for this to feel like reality. 

Right now I just feel like I have the worlds longest stomach flu. 

Right now, being pregnant is not the business. And that kills me to say, but unfortunately it's true. 

I am beyond happy to be pregnant- words can't describe.... But right now- this sickness is bullshit. 

12/01/14

Zits. Zits everywhere. This is the first time I have had to deal with them really, and I hate it. 

I feel like I have a million of them. I know I don't. 

12/12/14

Zero days. One week past. 13 weeks today. No longer feeling nauseous, and some energy has returned. Barely showing. And it still doesn't quite feel real. 

Eyebrows. Right now- my baby is developing the hairs for eyebrows. That's insane. 

Update.

It's been months. 

For good reason. 

I'm pregnant. 

I didn't want to talk about it until the first trimester was over- and even then I still didn't want to talk about it. I am not 14 weeks pregnant- and its time to talk about it. 

I've been keeping a note open on my phone where I have been writing about my feelings during the past three months. 

Fair warning- I am gonna post them here... But I have not read them, or edited them.  

Here's to the crazy thoughts while in the early stages of pregnancy. 

Suck it up

Cmon Chelsea, suck it up. Toughen up. Man up. 

On repeat. Over and over in my brain. Get it to together. Stop being a little bitch. 

Feel blessed. Others have it harder. Your life is amazing. 

Over and over.

Yet it doesn't silence the thoughts. Doesn't stop them from being chaotic. Those words become white noise in the background of the racing thoughts that have become the soundtrack of my life.

And maybe that's where they belong. They aren't nice thoughts. They don't help in the slightest. When someone else says them to me, I find it rude. So why should I say them to myself? 

I've learned from years of therapy and through treatment that thoughts like that aren't productive, yet I can't shut them up. 

I'm a shell of who I used to be. Going through the motions out of necessity. I want myself back. I'm trying. So hard. So hard it hurts...harder than anyone knows. 

I don't talk, because I see no point. No one honestly wants to know the thoughts I am thinking. They aren't pretty thoughts, and all they do is remind you how broken I am. 

Sharing them just makes me feel like even more of a disappointment. Please try and understand my silence. 

I will be fine...someday. I just don't know when. 

I'm not defeated, just exhausted from fighting. 

Pinch Me

Yesterday doesn't seem real. There is no way I met Laura Jane Grace & Against Me! No way that Laura followed me on twitter and no way she recognized me from the stage. None of that happened. It couldn't have. 

Right? 

Let me explain why this is unbelievable. 

This past year has been hands down the hardest year of my life. This time a year ago I was pregnant. Ecstatic. All I ever have wanted was to be a mom. That happiness was short lived. I was pregnant for 8 weeks when I found out my baby had died. When the doctors couldn't find a heartbeat- my life shattered. 

I've spent the past year trying to get pregnant again. I've done 6 months of fertility treatments and they haven't worked. Been on meds and hormones that make me a raging bitch, gaining weight, and feeling like I'm not a woman. 

The gaining weight is awful for me as an eating disorder survivor. But that hasn't been the worst part. 

I have felt at war with my body, everyday for the past year. And during that year there has been one thing that has made it easier. Against Me! and Laura Jane Grace. 

Not a day has gone by where I haven't listened to Against Me! Whenever I was feeling shitty again- I put their music on- and felt better. 

Laura's words have spoken to me in a way that I can't even explain. They have made me feel like I'm not alone, and that I can get through anything. Her bravery and honesty is inspiring and makes me braver. Makes me want to live my truth even more. Makes me feel like a woman, regardless of my condition. 

I've been tweeting her for months- and everytime she favorited a tweet or responded- it made my day. Knowing she knew I existed was what I needed those days to push through. 

Meeting her was a dream. They were doing a record signing and there was no way me and my husband weren't gonna be there. (Against me! & Laura mean the world to him too) I would be lying if I said I wasn't incredibly nervous. I was shaking and couldn't figure out what I would possibly say to her. Plus I wanted her to think I was cool. (Dorky- I know) 

Luckily Laura made it easy. When it was my turn to meet her she said "I know you, from the internet." I died. She knew I existed! She remembered my tweets. I responded with "oh yeah? From all the tweets I send you?" And she said yes. I asked for a picture and she said yes. As we were taking the picture I said "does this mean you will follow me now?" She laughed.

She was gorgeous and graceful. Kind and endearing. I wish I had had 2 more minutes with her just to explain everythig. But I just kept saying "thank you" over and over. 

Before I met Laura. I got to watch Camerin meet her- which was as important to me as me meeting her. Laura has changed his life in so many ways and to see my husband meet his idol was amazing. 

We left the signing shaking and in disbelief. We went to get some drinks- to calm ourselves. Me, Camerin & our friend Amanda- all got some beers and talked about how cool this all was. I had obviously tweeted my picture with Laura- so I checked my twitter... I had a new follower.... Miss Laura Jane Grace herself!!!!! Pinch me! This isn't real. I was dying... Again. This seriously can't be real life. 

The show was amazing- as expected. Opening with Fuckmylife666 was amazing- and so unexpected that I couldn't even cry (like I usually do when I listen to that song) and eveything after was pure perfection. I am kind of glad that they didn't play spanish moss or bamboo bones- because if they had- I definitely would have lost it. 

I know this blog is long. If you've made it this far- I promise it's almost over. 

After the encore- at the end of the show- Laura recognized us from the stage!!! What!?!!!?! She waved at us and mouthed "I follow you" or "I know you" something like that. Seeing her recognize us was unreal- and acknowledging us again was more than I could have ever dreamed. 

I know she hears that stuff a lot from fans , and that these things make seem small to some people. But they were huge to me. I am beyond thankful for the love she showed me and Camerin yesterday. 

Now on to Fresno on the 20th. Maybe this time she will let me buy her a drink.  A girl can dream right? 

Downward spiral

For a year there has been only one thing on my mind. Becoming a mom. 

For 8 weeks I was pregnant. 

For 6 months I have been on medicine and undergoing fertility treatments. 

They haven't worked. 

When it's broken up like that- it doesn't seem as long. Doesn't seem as hard. The reality though, is that it's been the hardest thing I have ever experienced. 

I don't know who I am anymore. I'm not the same person. Not in the slightest. 

Most days it takes everything I have to not cry. 

I don't talk about it, because there is no point. There is no one in my life that actually understand. There is no one who will just listen- and not try to fix me. 

So I suffer silently, by myself. Sitting in the bathroom, crying, while Camerin sleeps. 

I don't know what the next step is. I don't know what the answers are. All I know is that I am tired, and miss being me. 

Support

Don't come easy. All I need or want is a hug, a gentle hand. Knowing I am loved. Cared for. 

I don't need answers and I don't need to be fixed. I just need support. 

That's all. 

What am I

I'm not woman. 

A woman can reproduce

She can do the one thing her body is designed to do.

She can do it without medicine

Without needles

Without doctors

She doesn't need to spend thousands of dollars

Dreaming that this time will be the time

That this treatment will work

That this time will be different than last time

She doesn't pray at night endlessly 

To a god she doesn't know is listening 

That she doesn't know is real

Wishing on stars that may not be stars at all

Dreaming every night of the only thing she has wanted

Superstitious to a fault

Dying for the one thing she knows she is meant to be

While falling apart at the seams

She will never be the same. How can you expect her to be. Life has changed. Forever.