Suck it up

Cmon Chelsea, suck it up. Toughen up. Man up. 

On repeat. Over and over in my brain. Get it to together. Stop being a little bitch. 

Feel blessed. Others have it harder. Your life is amazing. 

Over and over.

Yet it doesn't silence the thoughts. Doesn't stop them from being chaotic. Those words become white noise in the background of the racing thoughts that have become the soundtrack of my life.

And maybe that's where they belong. They aren't nice thoughts. They don't help in the slightest. When someone else says them to me, I find it rude. So why should I say them to myself? 

I've learned from years of therapy and through treatment that thoughts like that aren't productive, yet I can't shut them up. 

I'm a shell of who I used to be. Going through the motions out of necessity. I want myself back. I'm trying. So hard. So hard it hurts...harder than anyone knows. 

I don't talk, because I see no point. No one honestly wants to know the thoughts I am thinking. They aren't pretty thoughts, and all they do is remind you how broken I am. 

Sharing them just makes me feel like even more of a disappointment. Please try and understand my silence. 

I will be fine...someday. I just don't know when. 

I'm not defeated, just exhausted from fighting. 

Pinch Me

Yesterday doesn't seem real. There is no way I met Laura Jane Grace & Against Me! No way that Laura followed me on twitter and no way she recognized me from the stage. None of that happened. It couldn't have. 

Right? 

Let me explain why this is unbelievable. 

This past year has been hands down the hardest year of my life. This time a year ago I was pregnant. Ecstatic. All I ever have wanted was to be a mom. That happiness was short lived. I was pregnant for 8 weeks when I found out my baby had died. When the doctors couldn't find a heartbeat- my life shattered. 

I've spent the past year trying to get pregnant again. I've done 6 months of fertility treatments and they haven't worked. Been on meds and hormones that make me a raging bitch, gaining weight, and feeling like I'm not a woman. 

The gaining weight is awful for me as an eating disorder survivor. But that hasn't been the worst part. 

I have felt at war with my body, everyday for the past year. And during that year there has been one thing that has made it easier. Against Me! and Laura Jane Grace. 

Not a day has gone by where I haven't listened to Against Me! Whenever I was feeling shitty again- I put their music on- and felt better. 

Laura's words have spoken to me in a way that I can't even explain. They have made me feel like I'm not alone, and that I can get through anything. Her bravery and honesty is inspiring and makes me braver. Makes me want to live my truth even more. Makes me feel like a woman, regardless of my condition. 

I've been tweeting her for months- and everytime she favorited a tweet or responded- it made my day. Knowing she knew I existed was what I needed those days to push through. 

Meeting her was a dream. They were doing a record signing and there was no way me and my husband weren't gonna be there. (Against me! & Laura mean the world to him too) I would be lying if I said I wasn't incredibly nervous. I was shaking and couldn't figure out what I would possibly say to her. Plus I wanted her to think I was cool. (Dorky- I know) 

Luckily Laura made it easy. When it was my turn to meet her she said "I know you, from the internet." I died. She knew I existed! She remembered my tweets. I responded with "oh yeah? From all the tweets I send you?" And she said yes. I asked for a picture and she said yes. As we were taking the picture I said "does this mean you will follow me now?" She laughed.

She was gorgeous and graceful. Kind and endearing. I wish I had had 2 more minutes with her just to explain everythig. But I just kept saying "thank you" over and over. 

Before I met Laura. I got to watch Camerin meet her- which was as important to me as me meeting her. Laura has changed his life in so many ways and to see my husband meet his idol was amazing. 

We left the signing shaking and in disbelief. We went to get some drinks- to calm ourselves. Me, Camerin & our friend Amanda- all got some beers and talked about how cool this all was. I had obviously tweeted my picture with Laura- so I checked my twitter... I had a new follower.... Miss Laura Jane Grace herself!!!!! Pinch me! This isn't real. I was dying... Again. This seriously can't be real life. 

The show was amazing- as expected. Opening with Fuckmylife666 was amazing- and so unexpected that I couldn't even cry (like I usually do when I listen to that song) and eveything after was pure perfection. I am kind of glad that they didn't play spanish moss or bamboo bones- because if they had- I definitely would have lost it. 

I know this blog is long. If you've made it this far- I promise it's almost over. 

After the encore- at the end of the show- Laura recognized us from the stage!!! What!?!!!?! She waved at us and mouthed "I follow you" or "I know you" something like that. Seeing her recognize us was unreal- and acknowledging us again was more than I could have ever dreamed. 

I know she hears that stuff a lot from fans , and that these things make seem small to some people. But they were huge to me. I am beyond thankful for the love she showed me and Camerin yesterday. 

Now on to Fresno on the 20th. Maybe this time she will let me buy her a drink.  A girl can dream right? 

Downward spiral

For a year there has been only one thing on my mind. Becoming a mom. 

For 8 weeks I was pregnant. 

For 6 months I have been on medicine and undergoing fertility treatments. 

They haven't worked. 

When it's broken up like that- it doesn't seem as long. Doesn't seem as hard. The reality though, is that it's been the hardest thing I have ever experienced. 

I don't know who I am anymore. I'm not the same person. Not in the slightest. 

Most days it takes everything I have to not cry. 

I don't talk about it, because there is no point. There is no one in my life that actually understand. There is no one who will just listen- and not try to fix me. 

So I suffer silently, by myself. Sitting in the bathroom, crying, while Camerin sleeps. 

I don't know what the next step is. I don't know what the answers are. All I know is that I am tired, and miss being me. 

Support

Don't come easy. All I need or want is a hug, a gentle hand. Knowing I am loved. Cared for. 

I don't need answers and I don't need to be fixed. I just need support. 

That's all. 

What am I

I'm not woman. 

A woman can reproduce

She can do the one thing her body is designed to do.

She can do it without medicine

Without needles

Without doctors

She doesn't need to spend thousands of dollars

Dreaming that this time will be the time

That this treatment will work

That this time will be different than last time

She doesn't pray at night endlessly 

To a god she doesn't know is listening 

That she doesn't know is real

Wishing on stars that may not be stars at all

Dreaming every night of the only thing she has wanted

Superstitious to a fault

Dying for the one thing she knows she is meant to be

While falling apart at the seams

She will never be the same. How can you expect her to be. Life has changed. Forever. 

one of the sad days

today has been one of those days where you feel sad but can't quite figure out why. I am sure its because of the hormones, but that doesn't make it any easier.

It's been a day filled with Against Me (most days are) and being on the verge of tears. If I could properly word the way I am feeling- I would. But it simply isn't coming to me.

Today I don't feel like a woman.

I looked at my insurance benefits today. I get a $10,000 lifetime maximum of fertility coverage. I thought it was $10,000 a year. Silly me. We've already used $4,500. If this cycle doesn't work- we will have to do IVF. Which means we will have to break for awhile- because we will be paying for at least half of it- and IVF is expensive.

I know I shouldn't be so bummed, because I am lucky that I have ANY coverage for it. I am extremely grateful for that. But figuring that out today hit hard. Made me think about my future a lot...and how there is a chance that I don't get to be a mom.

that is what made me feel like I am not a woman.

Afterall- isn't the lack of the ability to reproduce one of the biggest arguments for why transgender women aren't real women? If they aren't real women- than neither am I. (I think that argument is garbage- BTW)

I am holding back tears as I type right now. That means this is enough for today.

something i don't talk about...

I talk openly about 99% of things in my life. I believe in being an open book. Maybe to the point of being too open at times. I probably expose more than people want to know- but I am fine with that.

I don't believe in keeping quiet- because experiences need to be shared, they need to be felt. Most things have been fairly easy to talk about. My depression, self injury, relationship with Camerin, eating disorder, miscarriage, and infertility. Ask me anything and I will answer. Honestly. You may not like the answer- but I will still give it to you.

There is one thing I never talk about, unless I feel a real deep desire to. I don't want to say that I pretend it doesn't exist- but that's probably exactly what it is.

I was sexually assaulted at my job when I was 16 years old. This is something that needs to be talked about- yet is something that I keep quiet about. Why?

I guess 12 years later, I still feel ashamed. I definitely don't feel like I was to blame- no matter how much my job tried to tell me differently. I am ashamed that I didn't do anything about it. That I didn't seek action against my employer. Even after HR tried to tell me that I "blurred the lines", and tried to make me feel like I was to blame. Even after my employer didn't terminate the man who assaulted me and I had to work with him for multiple weeks until they finally let him go. Even after several staff members retaliated and treated me horribly afterwards. I still didn't do anything.

I try to live life without regrets. I know everyone says that- but I really do. I try to find the good out of every situation and experience. I regret not doing something. I regret not being firmer, not pushing harder, not taking action.

The thing is, we are conditioned as women to not speak up. To shut up and live with it. To take it as a compliment that someone wanted to touch us. And that's honestly how I felt.

I was a chubby girl (which shouldn't have mattered) who was bullied for years, I was insecure. I honestly believed that I should be thankful that any man would want to touch me. I was disgusting. I stayed in an awful relationship because- at least I had a boyfriend. I believed these things whole heartedly. I believed them to be truth. I was ugly- so I deserved to be treated like nothing. I deserved to be sexually assaulted. I deserved a shitty relationship and a guy who would cheat on me.

It's disgusting to me now to think that I ever thought that way.  I was raised to be independent- and am proud of that- but when faced with a relationship, or men- I had no idea what to do. I figured the only thing to do was submit.

Not anymore. I am too proud of who I am now, to ever back down. I have learned too much, and been through battles that have changed me. I know my value. Which is why it hurts that I still find it hard to talk about my sexual assault. Even typing this has made me anxious and nauseous. Getting the story out there takes the power away from the memory. Right? The more I talk about it- the less power it has. You can't change the past- but you can change the way it makes you feel....