Pretending

I think I am doing a pretty good job of pretending lately. But it's getting old. I can't keep pretending to be ok... When inside I am not really alright... And all I want to do is not eat and to feel sone control again. My anxiety is terrible... I couldn't even be in the bathroom showering without Camerin being in there to talk to me and keep me calm... So sad....

A little better...

Things are a little better.... Maybe. I don't really know I guess. My thoughts are still focused on being skinnier, but I have been eating 3 times a day... So I guess that is good.

I have also been doing yoga with cam the past couple nights.... We skipped a day, but I am going to do it tonight. It seems to be helping make me feel better- so that's good :)

I am still trying to lose weight- but I guess just trying to be healthier about it.... I guess that's progress.. :)

Good morning

I feel a little better this morning. Me and Camerin did yoga last night, which made me feel pretty good. I still feel fat, but I feel like at least I am doing something about it.

Cam said he would like to keep doing yoga with me, so that will definitely help.

I am at the lab right now, waiting to get my blood drawn. And tested... Super exciting. I had an appointment at a gastroenterologist last Thursday, and he ordered some blood work.... And then we will do an endoscopy. I am nervous for when that happens- but excited too- it will be nice to finally know what's wrong.

inspiration

This is me and my husband last year on halloween.... i was without a doubt my skinniest here... this is my inspiration- i want to be here again. by the end of the month... i know i can do it... i have to.

A new plan

I weighed myself today... And I was disappointed... Not that I am surprised, at all. I need to do better an I promise myself I will.

I want to lose 10 pounds. Just 10, that's not too much and I don't think that is ridiculous.

I know I can do it. And I am fairly confident I can do it without getting carried away. I hope I can do it.

To be honest, I don't care if I do get carried away a little bit... I need to make myself happy... And thats what I plan on doing. I know I would e happier 10 pounds lighter.

makes me sad

i just read an article about this woman- who is now the guinness book of world records, heaviest woman. What made me sad- wasn't the article, or that this woman weighs 700 pounds, even though thats sad too. What was sadder to me was all the comments that were left on the article. Talking about how disgusting she is, and how she just needs to eat better- and that yeah sure its hard to lose weight, but its not that hard. everything so negative. yes being that size is very unhealthy for her- but there is a reason she got to the size, and it didn't happen overnight. and no, it will not be easy for her to lose weight- not at all. it just makes me sad that lack of understanding people have. and how everyone seems to just have an easy fix for everything- when in reality nothing is easy like they think it is. i hate the way the world sees overweight people- it makes me sad, and makes me want to cry. if only they could understand that it is so much more then eating the "wrong" things and eating "too much"....

feeling exhausted

therapy was beyond draining today... i feel like taking a nap... or getting drunk, or something. just checking out for a little bit. yesterday was tiring too.

feeling like crap all day really drains you. but talking about it and why you feel that way- is even more draining. i have so much self hatred- it is disgusting. it makes me sad how much i bully myself. i am so hard on myself- and i don't know how to change it. i don't know how to stop. its this vicious cycle.

one day i will understand it all. but right now- i don't. it doesn't ever make full sense to me. i hate myself for gaining weight(even though i don't really know i did) so i don't eat the whole day- which makes me feel worse. then i decide to eat. and then i don't want to stop eating.... because it makes me feel worse- its like i enjoy making myself feel worse. because i feel like that is what i deserve. i deserve to feel like crap. :(