Thanksgiving

First I want to say thank you. Someone posted on my Instagram saying I should tell my story, and it inspired me to blog today. So thank you.

I was very nervous about today. It is my first thanksgiving since going to treatment. A holiday centered around eating an obscene amount of food is not really fun when you have an eating disorder.

Add that to the fact that I haven't really been paying much attention to my eating disorder and you have what I call a perfect storm.

Luckily for me- it didn't have an effect on me much today. Some things worked out in my favor. My mom did not have thanksgiving dinner today- hitch definitely helped, because I LOVE moms food. Also- we had a non-traditional thanksgiving. We ate with my husbands family and some extended family- we had Pakistani food, which was amazing but is not a trigger food for me. So I dodged a bullet there.

I have put my eating disorder and recovery on the back burner a lot lately. I have been ignoring it, pretending its not there. I have been comfortable with just getting by. Being recovered enough to survive.

I don't want to just survive anymore. It hasn't really been working. I still struggle with some meals, body image issues and extremely intrusive food and body thoughts... So being good enough is not really good enough.

I want full recovery and will settle for nothing less.

I want to say thank you to my husband for never giving up on me and pushing me when I need help. To my mom for asking the questions I need her to ask and for always being there to listen. To my brother for knowing exactly how to distract me and help me through every panic attack. To my dad for being a rock and for listening to me cry all those mornings while I drove to work. To my treatment group and therapists for challenging me, my thoughts, and challenging Ed for me when I haven't been strong enough to see him standing there. And a special thank you to my scarecrow Lisa for always keeping me honest, checking on me and always being there, and for showing me the recovery record app which in two days had made a lot of difference.

I vow to blog more. And to keep using recovery record and to keep my recovery in the front of my mind until I can honestly say I recovered.

Happy thanksgiving.

Quit

Sometimes I just want to quit.

I went to the doctor today for my stomach issues... My appointment was supposed to be to schedule a colonoscopy- however like always the doctor had a different plan.

He wants to try more medicine before we resort to the colonoscopy. I am beyond frustrated.

I feel like no doctor listens to me... I tell them everything that is wrong and how I want to do every test possible to figure it out, but they don't want to.

And how come when you tell a doctor you have an eating disorder and are in recovery they look at you like you are broken... Shouldn't they be understanding? You would sure think so. But instead they treat you like you have some terrible contagious disease.

Sometimes I just want to quit. Quit going to the doctor. Quit taking care of everything.

I want to go away. For at least a week and just not do anything.

Strong enough to break

My mind is a mess.

More messy then it has been in a long time. I am not sleeping, I have no appetite and I have zero energy... All the time.

Everything feels like a chore. Everything feels like it is too much work...

I just want to run away... And hide in my bed for a week.

I am beyond overwhelmed and trying to put on a smile everything and get through it is getting harder.

I am not depressed or even really sad.... Just exhausted. Everything feels chaotic.

I want to cry- but even that takes too much effort.

I have been listening to the Hanson "underneath" album constantly. (Go ahead and laugh- I don't care) and the song "strong enough to break" is getting the most play on my drive.

"Things keep coming and keep wondering... I start feeling the walls close in. Things keep coming and keep stumbling, I start feeling I'm strong enough to break... "

Strong enough to break...

I think I am breaking...

earned my strips

i have not been thinking much. i haven't blogged, and in fact i haven't even taken care of myself.

i have been sick for 3 weeks now. moved to a new place, and worked the whole time.

today i am having a pretty good body day... like it's not bad, but it's not great either.

i guess in general i am in this complacent state.  just neutral. a little dissociative too. the only time i am feeling real content and solid is when i am home, with camerin.

the good things that have happened lately is gaining some more acceptance of my body. i have been looking at it in a slightly different way, a less judging way. it feels nice.

i have been looking at a lot of things for inspiration in that aspect of my life. one of the pictures i stumbled upon showed a womens stretch marks, and had text on it that said "i'm a tiger who has earned her strips". I liked that a lot. i need to accept my stretch marks and loose skin for what they are. They are more than anything my battle scars, that represent all the torment, teasing, and the lowest points that i have climbed myself out of. they show how strong i really am.

These Are My Strips...

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Bad Ed day

Ed is pretty loud- but to be honest he isn't lying too much.

He is telling me I am fat... But I know I am not fat... But he is also telling me I should work out more- which I completely agree with him on

He is also telling me that beer doesn't feel good in my body, or maybe my body is telling is telling me that, but it's easier to believe its Ed

Pizza also doesn't feel good in my body. I have the beginning of heartburn, And feel extremely heavy... Pizza is not a good choice for me

My brain is so confused.

I actually think I miss my eating disorder... To be honest...

It felt easier then...

Bloating

Probably one of the most annoying things ever.

Barely hungry- but continue to eat because I am trying to get better.

I look huge. I hate this so much... I feel like never eating again....

Laura Jane Grace

Fair warning: this has nothing to do with food or my eating disorder. Just some thoughts after an amazing show....

Last night me and my husband went to see Against Me in concert. It was hands down one of the most amazing shows i have ever been too. Recently Against Me's lead singer came out as transgendered, and has changed her name to Laura Jane Grace. this is something that hits home for me and camerin.

Camerin is transgendered, and although he doesn't live his life as a women, he has both sides of him. He is almost gender neutral in a way. It's like it is just something that doesn't need to be defined. It is fluid.

Seeing Laura perform on stage while Candice stood beside me looking so beautiful was an experience unlike anything i have experienced. To see the smile on Laura's face as she sang, and to truly feel her happiness and energy, and to see that translating to my Candice- meant the world to me.

it was simply an amazing experience that i can't get out of my head. and it feels inspiring. Inspiring to be brave, and to fight, and make a difference.

amazing