Advancing

My insurance decided they would no longer pay for my treatment. So I will be advancing to outpatient treatment. I was told this might happen a few weeks ago- but I didn't think it ever would. I was all worked up about it, but now that it's here... I am not that upset. It sucks for sure, but there is nothing I can do except move forward and keep focused on my recovery. They can take away my treatment, but they can't take away my recovery.

I feel more confident about it then I thought I would. It will be a challenge- but I will make it through. I want recovery more then anything- so I know I will get there.

Struggle

Every meal is a struggle.

Every bite is a struggle.

When will I be free?

I just want to enjoy things- like everyone else.

Ed is talking

I can hear him. Loud and clear. But I will not give in.

It takes every ounce of energy I have to not binge right now....

I will make it through and be stronger tomorrow because I made it through today.

Ed will not win.

I will.

A serving size of chips

Seems easy. Seems like a dream. "this week- you need to eat a serving of chips everyday".

Not a dream to me. I am sitting here looking at this bowl of chips- and it is taking everything I have to eat them. Ed is screaming at me- telling me I am stronger then these chips, that my dietician is wrong- I don't need to eat chips everyday- I need to not eat them. He is hard to block out right now. I want to obey him- because fighting seems like too much work...

But- I am fighting. I am sitting here struggling my way through a serving of chips... I will win Ed... I promise you that. No matter how hard it seems right now- I will get my life back.

I can hear you...

I am not deaf anymore- I can hear Ed. And I know what he wants. But I am stronger then him- I know I am... I have to be.

I want to scream at him. And say terrible things.

I have been having a good day- I feel confident today- I feel pretty today- I don't feel fat today...

But he wants to ruin that. Take that away from me.

Shut up Ed- your mean nothing to me anymore... I am worth it, I am beautiful, and I am stronger then you...

Shut up already

Ed is talking today. A lot. He talked a lot yesterday too. He is being clever right now- confusing me. Making it harder to figure out what thoughts are his and what thoughts are mine.

We comprised today. It feels like making a deal with the devil- but my uncertainty made it so I felt it was the only way.

I wanted some chips. I knew I wasn't hungry- at least I didn't have hunger pangs... But I had spent an hour thinking about these chips. I kept refusing to give in, but then I couldn't figure out if craving the chips was Ed talking or if refusing them was Ed talking.

I compromised... I ate a serving size of chips. Nothing more, nothing less. I don't know how i feel about it. My thoughts are still blurry about it...

New Chapter-

I have turned a new leaf- or am beginning the long process of it. I have finally decided to deal with my eating disorder in a way that will actually lead to recovery- to freedom.

I started an intensive outpatient treatment a week ago for my eating disorder. I go there 3 days a week, for 3 hours each day. It is the first time in my life that I am actually doing something for myself and doing something I actually believe will lead me to recovery... Full recovery.

I can see the light at the end of the tunnel- its dim and small right now, but I know it will get bigger and brighter. I know I can divorce "ED" and that my life will be so much better without him. I will actually have a life.

Imagine that!

I finally fully admit I have an eating disorder, and I am not ashamed of it anymore. I have a wonderful team of doctors that will help me through this and almost more importantly I have a wonderful group of women who feel the same way I do, and understand my feelings. There are few things that feel as wonderful as knowing there are people who truly understand me.

I am hopeful, excited, nervous and scared.

I will no longer use this blog as a place for me to let ED have a voice. I will only fill this blog with Chelsea's voice- her real voice. I am stifling ED's voice, and learning how to use my own.

This will in no way be easy, and I know that I will have moments of weakness. I know my days won't always feel this positive and won't always be good ones. I know the road to recovery and freedom will be long and hard, but I am finally ready to do the work and get it done.

Today is the day that I begin to break up with ED and begin to see the real Chelsea...