Indescribable

I can't really figure out how I am feeling right now. Food wise I am fine, body image is fine as well... But I feel kinda sad- but not entirely sad... But I also feel like anything could make me cry right now...

Maybe I am stressed? Exhausted? Burnt? All of these are possible and probably part of the equation. Whatever it is- I hope it goes away soon...

positive week

last week was a really good week for me.

i felt like i was in a very positive place, and felt very content with myself. My body image was good, and i felt confident and beautiful. it was a wonderful change of pace.

i went to the gym for the first time since completing treatment, and it was way easier than i had thought it would be. I definitely had some negative thoughts while there, and was slightly triggered- however i was able to combat my negative thoughts and make it through my workout. i went back to the gym on sunday as well- so now i have 2 trips to the gym under my belt. i made an adjustment the 2nd time- i brought a towel with me, and covered up the calorie counter on the machine. not seeing the calories was definitely easier.

today i am kinda having a hard day- but i am trying to remember the amazing week i had last week. tomorrow i know will be a better day and i will be back to feeling how good i felt last week.

Lady gaga hangover

On Thursday I went and saw lady gaga in San Jose. It was an amazing show as always. This was my 6th time seeing her. On Wednesday night my brother and I camped out at hp pavilion to get a good spot in line. It was quite the experience- and totally worth it.

This may sound cheesy- but I don't really care. I love lady gaga and everything she represents. She stands up for individuality and bravery. Her music and who she is makes me feel more confident.

I hadn't felt very confident lately- but going to the show made me feel a lot better. Made me think about how I want to accept and embrace who I am, instead of always trying to change it.

It has been an interesting couple weeks- 2013 is off to a good start body wise. I have definitely struggled- but have made it through those struggles. And I think I have had more good days then bad days.

I feel confident that the good days will continue... I am gonna start going to the gym again this week, which is a huge step- and something I am very scared of, but I need to do it. I miss the way working out made me feel. It made me feel healthy- and that is all I want right now.

Body image

Body image body image body image

Infecting my thoughts right now. I am trying desperately to stop it.

Physically I am pain right now- my stomach is hurting and my acid reflux is acting up-which is assisting with constant thinking about my stomach- which makes me examine and over analyze my body.

It's a viscous cycle.

I think it is just time for bed. I think that's the only thing that will stop the thoughts.

heart

for the first time in my life, i am deciding to use my heart for myself.

i have always taken pride in being loving, and seeing the world and everyone in it with my heart and not my eyes. however i have never applied that same thinking to the way i see myself. i have always viewed myself through my eyes, with big tinted, jaded glasses on.

the fact is- if i keep looking at myself without my heart, i will never be satisfied with myself. i will always see this image i have decided is what i am.

i lost a significant amount of weight 4 1/2 years ago- and yet when i look in the mirror or at photos of myself i still see that same girl before the weight loss. That is how i came to realize i had an eating disorder.

i have never been able to see what everyone else sees when they look at me, and i think i probably never will. But i am ok with that. i just want to see myself with my heart now. and even if i don't see what i think i should or what everyone else does, i want to be ok with that.

i want to love myself.

i have always thought that loving yourself meant you were conceded. But now i know that it means you are confident. i want to love the things about myself that i have always hated.  it is gonna be hard, i know that. it is going to be harder than i can even imagine at this point, but at the end i will be ok, and will be happy with myself.

the first thing i want to work on loving about myself is the thing i hate the most.
my stomach.
i can't remember ever being ok with my stomach. i have always had an issue with it. when i was overweight it was that it was too big, when i was at my lowest weight, it was the stretch marks and loose skin from the weight loss. there has never been a time when i was totally ok with it.

Now i know this is not a goal i can achieve overnight. In fact i wouldn't be surprised if it took me a year or more to get to a place of acceptance of my stomach. But i vow today- that everytime i think something negative about my stomach - i will pay attention, and replace that thought with something positive.

"Pristine in 2013"

i spent NYE with 3 of the most important people in my life. My husband, my brother and my best friend. Through a night of drinks, food, music, games, and prank phone calls- we were searching for a slogan for 2013. What came out was "Pristine in 2013".

pris-tine adjective

1: belonging to the earliest period or state : original <the hypothetical pristine lunar atmosphere>

2 a : not spoiled, corrupted, or polluted (as by civilization) : pure <a pristine forest>

b : fresh and clean as or as if new <used books in pristine condition>

 

i particularly like "not spoiled, corrupted or polluted". and have found the best way to apply this to myself. my new years resolution is to RECOVER (for real) to be MINDFUL (honestly) to ACCEPT myself (completely) and to LOVE myself (for who i am). 

 

i have spent my entire life trying to change myself to fit what i thought i needed to be. to fit with what everyone else was doing.   i have spent most of my life being ashamed of myself, and beating myself when there wasn't anyone else to do it for me. 

 

i was bullied a lot from 4th grade to 12th grade. but the biggest bully in my life has been myself. i have made sure to always keep myself down- to beat myself up for any little thing i did wrong. i pride myself on being non judgemental, yet i constantly judge myself. 

 

No one is responsible for making me feel the way i feel, and no one is responsible for my eating disorder other than myself. Others may have contributed to it, but i have allowed it to become what it is now. 

 

i went through treatment- played the role, didn't everything i needed to it. i believed in recovery, truly. i was myself and was gaining so much out of it. but when i got out of treatment, and had to do the real work myself, i have fallen short. i am not upset at myself, i think it is all part of the process. and i think i just used treatment as another crutch- if i didn't believe in me, or accept me- they did- so that was enough. 

 

i am done with that thinking. and i am done with relying on everyone and everything else in my life to pump me up. i NEED to start believing in my own self. and to love my own self. on my own. in my way. 

 

i NEED to take my recovery seriously. i NEED to take care of ME, and not just pretend to, which is what i have been doing.

 

so to me, "Pristine in 2013" equates to not polluting myself with; negativity body talk, eating disorder thoughts and behaviors. I will no longer stand for beating myself up, and being my own biggest bully. i am gonna clean up my act- and the way i treat myself.