it's been a pretty good day

today has been relatively easy- no major upsets or battles today. I had lunch with my husband and i ate half of my meal. i feel very full- but i am not completely uncomfortable. i was able to enjoy it- for the most part. i am not gonna lie and say i enjoyed every bite, or every minute of it. but i think it may have been a step in the right direction. i feel so silly saying things like that- like who doesn't just enjoy eating? i mean it is supposed to be enjoyed. but that is a real struggle for me-daily.

i wish it was easier to talk about.... i wish i didn't have a hard time saying it out loud. i find it so much easier to talk about my anxiety, my past depression, and even my past cutting. but to talk to someone about troubles with eating, or issues from being overweight feels so difficult. i think it has to do with the way people see overweight people. It's one of things that people in general don't have compassion for. most people see someone who is overweight and don't think about all the things that may have led them to being overweight. its always like "just lose weight" "eat less" "exercise more" etc. etc. and it's really never just that easy.

I didn't realize until i started going to therapy recently- that me being overweight wasn't completely my fault. I take responsibility for it, don't get me wrong- but at the time, and in those moments i didn't know anything else to do to cope with what was going on. I didn't realize then that i was binging, i just thought i was eating and in a way nuturing myself. i didn't have any tools to know what else to do. i was young, and didn't understand why, but eating made me feel better. and it became so natural, and in some ways a part of me. i hid behind my weight- it became part of what defined who i was. i was so scared to just be free, and be me, and be seen, that i would use my weight as an excuse- it was the reason boys didn't talk to me, it was the reason my boyfriend cheated on me, etc. etc. when really- it wasn't that way at all. but it worked, it was a safe place for me. i wasn't completely dumb to the problem- i knew i was overweight, and would go on countless diets. all would work for a moment, and then i would fall off the wagon. It wasn't until i was fully ready that it stuck- and maybe it stuck to much. But i did finally do it. I stopped having an excuse, and i just did it. It was thanks to my grandma that i did it. and i hope more than anything- that she is proud of me. i may not be fully better yet- but i am trying- everyday.

Of the struggles i have had, the food and eating struggle is the worst yet. i would take my anxiety, depression and cutting any day over not being able to just eat in a normal healthy way.

Next time you watch a show on TV about people who are overweight- instead of judging them before they speak- listen to the story. Its never as simple as just putting down the fork- there is almost always more to it than that.

first post

i figured i would just start another blog. find another place to write, and talk about the things that i can't seem to always say out loud. although saying it out loud would probably help. lets take it to the beginning- 4 short years ago, i was overweight. 222 lbs. on a 5'4" frame, wearing a size 20 pant. it felt enormous to me. i felt the lowest i had ever felt in my life- but at the same time felt totally ready to take on the challenge of losing weight and getting in shape. i joined jenny craig- fast forward 1 year- 50 pounds lost. i was super excited- felt great! Met my future husband- things were getting better. fast forward 1 more year- another 30 pounds lost. now i am down 80- super excited. relationship going great, engaged. fast forward 2 more years- married, still down the same amount of weight. not nearly as excited about my body, or myself. In therapy- dealing with the fact that i don't want to eat. and that i am in constant fear of gaining weight.

sounds stupid. but it is my life. my relationship with food is the most confusing and stressful thing ever. it's painful, and it hurts not only me, but my husband and my family as well. and it's something i can't even fully explain- and when i try to- it sounds stupid and makes no sense- it doesn't even make sense to me. i am hoping that at least writing about it can make me feel a little better....or something. we'll see... i guess it won't hurt.

Not a day goes by that i don't think about food, or my body, or gaining weight. Not a single day. Every meal i eat, i think about, over and over. Every bite i take i think about. i try to enjoy eating as much as i can, but it's hard. i can't remember the last time i sat down and ate a meal- and fully enjoyed it, and that makes me really sad...