Recovery

Recovery is shitty.

Don't get me wrong. I love that I have "beat" my eating disorder. But recovery really sucks sometimes. 

I find myself daydreaming of my sick times. Daydreaming of binges, restrictions, starvation, calorie counting, diet obsessing, over exercising. All of it. And often times it actually seems fun. 

Somebody I spoke with recently said "it gives me something to do" when talking about calorie counting. I couldn't help but relate to that, agree with that, and be a bit envious. 

In this haze of post pregnancy life I feel like I have nothing that is mine anymore. My existence as chelsea, just chelsea is gone. And in those moments- I dream about my eating disorder. The glorified portions of it. The "good" things I got out of it. In those moments it's hard to see the sickness for what it is. 

But I'm "recovered" now. Even if I were to engage in any eating disorder behaviors- they wouldn't work. They would only end up making me feel worse. The thrill is gone. The high I used to get when I hadn't eaten for days is a thing of the past. Sometimes that makes me sad. Sometimes I miss the way it felt. The so-called control I had.

Because even though it was destructive- it was mine. 

Inevitable

Some things are just inevitable. No matter how you try- they are gonna happen anyways. That's how I feel about relapse. 

I fantasize about my eating disorder. I dream about it. I long for it & I crave it. I am aware that my resistance will only last so long. Relapse is inevitable. 

The sad thing is- I'm not even upset about it. I'm actually kind of excited. Something familiar sounds good right now. Something that makes sense. Something that is mine. 

Right now my entire world is Charlie, working, and taking care of the house. I literally do nothing else. I can't remember the last time I painted or created something. I can't remember the last time I sat down and no one needed me. 

And really that's all I want. Just like one day where no one needs me. 

This lack of having anything- of feeling routine, and not really in control- leads me to obsess about my body. Which will in turn lead to relapse. 

I don't even care anymore. 

Cry

All I want to do is cry. I want to get a hotel room, by myself & lay in bed all day and cry. 

I hate my body more than ever- and on top of that hate- I feel guilt for hating it. My body brought Charlie to life- yet I still hate it. 

I never want to eat again. 

It's been 2 weeks since my doctors appointment. 2 weeks of working out& trying to be healthy. 

My body hasn't changed at all. In fact- I'm pretty sure I've gained weight. 

It has me broken. All I want to do is cry. 

I don't have anything else to say. 

8weeks

I wish I could say it's gotten easier. 

Charlie is a dream. A pretty much perfect baby- and being a mom is hands down my favorite thing I've ever done. 

But the voices haven't stopped. I'm back on my anxiety medicine- so the voices are quieter- but they are still there. 

I have been eating as intuitively as possible- but am still skipping meals. I want to say it's not intentional- but it probably is. It's so much easier to just not eat. It's not the answer- but it works. And it's even easier with the distraction of a baby. He takes up most of my time- so really- when do I have time to eat. 

At my 6 week doctors appointment she told me that I had lost a third of the weight I gained. Everyone is telling me how great that is. But in my head- guessing what I gained- I really only lost the weight of Charlie. So I don't feel like I've accomplished anything. 

She told me to walk. Try and do 5,000 steps a day. Naturally I am trying to do 10,000. I bought an eliptical, dance and walk while holding the baby and make as many trips as I can while doing all chores.  I hang up each item and put them in my closet one at a time. Just to take more steps. 

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little obsessed. But I think I've balanced that voice a little bit (the obsessive one) 

I've allowed myself to not reach my goal. But it feels like shit when I don't. 

This process is gonna be a lot. 

Relapse still looks like the better option. 

Postpartum

5 weeks since I had Charlie. 

Id be lying if I said the past 5 weeks have been easy. And I'm not talking just about taking care of a baby. That part is hard- but nothing compared to the voices in my head that have pushed me to the edge of relapse. 

Everyday I have to remind myself to eat- because it is SO easy to forget right now- and most days I would like to forget a meal or two. Maybe then the weight would be gone- and I could stop obsessing about my body. 

I know that's not the answer. But it seems really nice some days. Most days. 

I don't know what I weigh- or how much weight I gained while pregnant. I haven't known my weight for over 3 years. What I do know is that my clothes don't fit. And that I feel super out of shape. 

Every time I try & talk about this and my feelings- I get told "it's only been a month" or "you look great" etc etc. while I appreciate the compliments, they really don't mean anything. It's mostly people saying what they think they should say. It's just like how everyone says "I can't even tell you're pregnant" when you are 8 months pregnant and huge. 

People say those things to be nice. Because they think they should say them, and while the sentiment in sweet- it would probably be better to say nothing.

Why would it be better to say nothing? 

Because I know you are lying. And when people lie to me- especially about my body or my mental health- it makes me feel really sick- and like a burden. It actually makes me feel worse. About everything. And it makes me want to never open up again. 

It's gonna be a battle- like everything else for the past 3 years. And honestly- I'm tired of fighting. So giving in & relapsing- doesn't sound so bad. Like just stop eating for awhile- lose the weight- get my body back- and then work on recovery... Again. I've done it before- I can do it again... Right? 

There is a sick comfort in these thoughts. They feel safe. They feel like home. 

Old habits die hard

Well well well. 

My sweet Charlie was born just about 3 weeks ago. I am a mom. My dreams have come true. 

So naturally- I'm beating myself up.

Labor was 26 hours- with 3 hours of pushing. Luckily I didn't feel most of it. 

Needless to say my body has some recovering to do and like usual- I am beating myself up for not being better already. For being tired. For being emotional. For everything. 

My anxiety is raging and so is my eating disorder thoughts. There is a perfect storm in my brain that could easily lead down a slippery slope. 

I won't let it. 

I've survived before- I can do it again.

 

The early pregnancy diaries

Here they are... The thoughts and feelings I had during my first trimester. 

Pregnant. 

10/20/14

I'm pregnant. For real. 5 tests say so. Tomorrow the doctor should say so too. I'm pregnant. Without fertility meds. Without really trying.  

Words can't describe the craziness in my head because of this. 

I should be around 5 weeks right now. 7 more weeks until I can say it out loud, at the top of my lungs. 

47 more days. 

The crazy thoughts are there. Every twinge, every pain makes me think I am miscarrying. The thought won't go away. 

47 days. 

December 5th. 

10/21/14

Doctors appointment today. Blood work today & Thursday. Hoping the hcg numbers are rising. 

Ultrasound scheduled for November 10th. 

I'm beyond nervous for that appointment. I will be just barely over 8 weeks at that point- which is further along than I was last time- but it's still nerve racking. 

I feel super sick today. Constantly nauseous. But haven't thrown up. I kinda wish I would. Light headed, exhausted, muscle aches and cramps. 

The cramps are the worse- because they worry me the most. 

46 days.

10/22/14

Slept around 11 hours. Still feel exhausted. How is that possible? 

Nerves are still there, but possibly subsiding a bit... Maybe. 

2 days until I am 6 weeks. For some reason that seems so much better than 5 weeks. Seems so much further along. A little over 2 weeks til the ultrasound.

Prayers and good thoughts running rampant. Please let this baby stay. I want this baby more than anything in the word. 

45 days. Only 45 more days. 

10/23/14

I don't have morning sickness, I have afternoon, early evening, every time I eat sickness. 

I actually kinda have all the time sickness. I haven't thrown up- but I feel like I could all day. 

I read somewhere that morning sickness is a good sign. That women who experience it are less likely to miscarry. I don't know if that's true or not- but I am pretending it is. Apparently it has something to do with the baby attaching itself & getting real comfortable or something. 

44 days! 

Tomorrow I am 6 weeks. 

Wow. 

 

10/24/14

Six weeks. Officially. 

No words. 

2 more weeks until the ultrasound. 

43 days until I can be really happy.

10/25/14

Carpal tunnel. Really? Pregnancy apparently makes you more prone to carpal tunnel. Cool- Cuz I already have carpal tunnel. 

My hands & arms have been going numb for the last few days- at least now I know why. 

Sicker today than yesterday. 

42 more days. Just 42 more days. 

10/26/14

Sick sick sick. 

This sesame seed sure is a little beast. The nausea is beyond real and I just want to lay in bed all day. 

***TMI alert- if you are uncomfortable with bodily functions- scroll down until the next day's entry. ***

The constipation is probably my least favorite part. I already have a whole mess of digestive issues- and the pregnancy is definitely not helping them. I require coffee every morning in order to go to the bathroom. I usually drink 3 cups. I've cut down to 2 cups... And it's half caff. Needless to say- pooping is not happening. 

I already look at least 3 months pregnant- but it's all bloat because I can't poop. Argh! 

I am grateful for this pregnancy- beyond grateful- but man does it make you feel like shit. 

It's almost cruel. 

Aren't I supposed to be glowing from happiness and sheer joy? 

My skin is breaking out and dry, I'm itchy, bloated, gassy, constipated, light headed, nauseous, and sore all over. 

Am I glowing yet? 

Maybe the glow comes in 41 days... When I'm not stressed and worried anymore. 

That's it. That's gotta be it. 

10/27/14

My doctor called today. 

My hcg didn't double- but it rose. It went from 19794 to 33000. She said since my first number was so good- and so high- it didn't matter that it didn't double. 

She said it was fine. 

Keep reminding yourself of that Chelsea. 

Instead of being happy- I keep feeling my boobs to make sure they are still tender, paying close attention to how nauseous I am. Worried it is going to go away. 

But I know it's hasn't . As I type this- I feel like vomiting. The only reason I hadn't felt it- was because I had distracted myself. 

40 days. A month and 10 days. Over half way there. 

10/31/14

Haven't written for a few days. I've been nice and distracted- which is what I needed. Me and Cam have spent a lot of time together and it's been amazing. 

Today I am 7 weeks. Last time I made it 7 weeks & 3 days.  When baby's heartbeat wasn't there- that was how developed baby was. 

I knew I was losing the baby though. One day I woke up- and didn't feel pregnant anymore. I am hoping I don't ever feel that again. 

We have our ultrasound in a week & 3 days. 

36 days. 

11/03/14

Pregnancy is weird. 

The symptoms, the emotions, everything. 

For example- Cam worked an overnight and is now sleeping & snoring peacefully while I lay in bed watching tv. Should be no big deal. Yet every snore makes my stomach turn. Really? A noise is making me want to throw up. First time I've experienced this. Haha. 

Morning sickness doesn't really exist for me. I feel nauseous, but it's not unbearable. By early evening though, I want to die. 

33 days. Ultrasound in a week. 

11/04/14

The emotions are too much today. Been on the verge of crying all day, and no energy to do anything. 

I am scared. 

Scared of losing the baby. 

Scared of having the baby.

Scared of being a mom. 

I've wanted one thing my whole life, to be a mom. Now it's happening. And it's terrifying. 

Camerin is going to transition, and I am so for it. Our lives are changing so much at one time that it is a little overwhelming. 

It's also comforting. In a way. Knowing that life is always changing, that things are always in a transition. 

That these fearful thoughts will fade, and everything will be ok. That I will stop being afraid of being a mom, and just be one. 

I will look back on these blogs and that fear will seem so silly and so far away. 

32 days. 

11/06/14

Motivation fails me. Getting out of bed is a chore. I want to get dolled up and do so many things, but moving is so hard. 

Every moment makes me want to vomit. 

I still haven't vomited- but I feel like it all day everyday. 

I can't wait for pregnancy to feel better. Right now it's just like being ridiculously sick. I don't have a cute belly or anything. It doesn't totally feel real yet. 

30 days. 

11/09/14

Officially lost it. I don't know it's the hormones, going off my meds, or what. But the angry outburst I have been avoiding for years, finally came out. 

The day before my ultrasound. 

We all know where my mind is going now right? 

Yep.  I don't even want to type it. I know I am being ridiculous. Worrying myself sick. I need to just stop. 

Time to go to sleep. 

27 days

11/11/14

Ultrasound went good. 

Baby has a heartbeat- of 167bpm. I can't even describe all the things I am feeling. 

When the ultrasound tech said she saw the heartbeat I started sobbing. Camerin did as well. 

Baby is measuring for 8wks 3days, which is exactly where they thought I was. 

I can't explain the happiness I feel right now. So blessed. 

25 days. 

11/13/14

Depressed lately. I feel like all I am a pregnant woman. Who is wrapped in bubble wrap & no one wants to touch  or anything. 

I'm not Chelsea. I'm not camerins wife. I'm the pregnant woman who sleeps next to him. 

I feel ugly everyday. I'm bloated, breaking out, too tired to get dressed, and I just feel awful about myself. 

These are the things no one tells you about. I am uncomfortable everyday. My body feels foreign. 

And I feel guilty. Guilty for having these feelings, when the only thing I have ever wanted is to be a mom. I just want to do also feel like myself.  

Fucking hormones. 

23 days.

11/16/14

I've never felt more insecure than I do right now. I feel like complete shit everyday. I have no energy and want to throw up constantly. 

I want to get dolled up and feel pretty- but I don't. I feel the ugliest I have ever felt. 

Nothing fits or looks good. And nothing feels good on. My skin is breaking out worse than ever. 

I know I shouldn't complain. I know I should be totally blissful & happy. But this fucking sucks. 

I'm thrilled to be pregnant. But it is fucking painful. I've never felt worse in my life. 

19 days. Then the first trimester is over. Everyone says it gets better after that. 

11/24/14

12 days. 12 more days. Then the first trimester is over. And I couldn't be more excited. 

It still doesn't feel real. Keeping a secret helps it not feel real. I want scream at the top of my lungs about it. But I can't. I just can't. 

Went to disneyland over the weekend. It was great, I didn't ride many rides... Cuz I can't. But being there was nice. It was emotional. And made me happy to think about sharing disneyland with my child, and how much more magical disneyland will be then. 

I feel awful though. The trip took a lot out of me. And all I want to do is sleep... Until next Friday. 

11/26/14

Yesterday I had a doctors appointment. I had no idea what it was for before I got there. It was my first appointment with the doctor. (I usually see a nurse practitioner) 

I figured it was going to be uneventful because they didn't have me put on a gown or anything. 

I was wrong. 

The doctor went over a bunch of stuff and then said she wanted to try and hear the baby's heartbeat. She said not to freak out if she can't- because at 10 weeks you can't always hear it. 

After what felt like an eternity, she said "there's your baby". And i could hear the heartbeat. I immediately started crying. It was the most beautiful thing I have ever heard. 

She said its a huge milestone when they can hear the heartbeat at 10 weeks. Feeling so hopeful. 

10 more days and it will feel super real. The heartbeat made it feel more real- but I am still scared. 10 days

11/28/14

As of today, I am 11 weeks. 

I thought I had stuff to write but I don't. One week left. 8 days.

11/30/14

5 more days... 

Will it feel real then? Once I'm in my 2nd trimester will it all feel right? 

I hope so. 

I know that's not how stuff works... And that this is all a process. But it would be nice to just feel good and for this to feel like reality. 

Right now I just feel like I have the worlds longest stomach flu. 

Right now, being pregnant is not the business. And that kills me to say, but unfortunately it's true. 

I am beyond happy to be pregnant- words can't describe.... But right now- this sickness is bullshit. 

12/01/14

Zits. Zits everywhere. This is the first time I have had to deal with them really, and I hate it. 

I feel like I have a million of them. I know I don't. 

12/12/14

Zero days. One week past. 13 weeks today. No longer feeling nauseous, and some energy has returned. Barely showing. And it still doesn't quite feel real. 

Eyebrows. Right now- my baby is developing the hairs for eyebrows. That's insane.