Quit

Sometimes I just want to quit.

I went to the doctor today for my stomach issues... My appointment was supposed to be to schedule a colonoscopy- however like always the doctor had a different plan.

He wants to try more medicine before we resort to the colonoscopy. I am beyond frustrated.

I feel like no doctor listens to me... I tell them everything that is wrong and how I want to do every test possible to figure it out, but they don't want to.

And how come when you tell a doctor you have an eating disorder and are in recovery they look at you like you are broken... Shouldn't they be understanding? You would sure think so. But instead they treat you like you have some terrible contagious disease.

Sometimes I just want to quit. Quit going to the doctor. Quit taking care of everything.

I want to go away. For at least a week and just not do anything.

Strong enough to break

My mind is a mess.

More messy then it has been in a long time. I am not sleeping, I have no appetite and I have zero energy... All the time.

Everything feels like a chore. Everything feels like it is too much work...

I just want to run away... And hide in my bed for a week.

I am beyond overwhelmed and trying to put on a smile everything and get through it is getting harder.

I am not depressed or even really sad.... Just exhausted. Everything feels chaotic.

I want to cry- but even that takes too much effort.

I have been listening to the Hanson "underneath" album constantly. (Go ahead and laugh- I don't care) and the song "strong enough to break" is getting the most play on my drive.

"Things keep coming and keep wondering... I start feeling the walls close in. Things keep coming and keep stumbling, I start feeling I'm strong enough to break... "

Strong enough to break...

I think I am breaking...

earned my strips

i have not been thinking much. i haven't blogged, and in fact i haven't even taken care of myself.

i have been sick for 3 weeks now. moved to a new place, and worked the whole time.

today i am having a pretty good body day... like it's not bad, but it's not great either.

i guess in general i am in this complacent state.  just neutral. a little dissociative too. the only time i am feeling real content and solid is when i am home, with camerin.

the good things that have happened lately is gaining some more acceptance of my body. i have been looking at it in a slightly different way, a less judging way. it feels nice.

i have been looking at a lot of things for inspiration in that aspect of my life. one of the pictures i stumbled upon showed a womens stretch marks, and had text on it that said "i'm a tiger who has earned her strips". I liked that a lot. i need to accept my stretch marks and loose skin for what they are. They are more than anything my battle scars, that represent all the torment, teasing, and the lowest points that i have climbed myself out of. they show how strong i really am.

These Are My Strips...

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Bad Ed day

Ed is pretty loud- but to be honest he isn't lying too much.

He is telling me I am fat... But I know I am not fat... But he is also telling me I should work out more- which I completely agree with him on

He is also telling me that beer doesn't feel good in my body, or maybe my body is telling is telling me that, but it's easier to believe its Ed

Pizza also doesn't feel good in my body. I have the beginning of heartburn, And feel extremely heavy... Pizza is not a good choice for me

My brain is so confused.

I actually think I miss my eating disorder... To be honest...

It felt easier then...

Bloating

Probably one of the most annoying things ever.

Barely hungry- but continue to eat because I am trying to get better.

I look huge. I hate this so much... I feel like never eating again....

Laura Jane Grace

Fair warning: this has nothing to do with food or my eating disorder. Just some thoughts after an amazing show....

Last night me and my husband went to see Against Me in concert. It was hands down one of the most amazing shows i have ever been too. Recently Against Me's lead singer came out as transgendered, and has changed her name to Laura Jane Grace. this is something that hits home for me and camerin.

Camerin is transgendered, and although he doesn't live his life as a women, he has both sides of him. He is almost gender neutral in a way. It's like it is just something that doesn't need to be defined. It is fluid.

Seeing Laura perform on stage while Candice stood beside me looking so beautiful was an experience unlike anything i have experienced. To see the smile on Laura's face as she sang, and to truly feel her happiness and energy, and to see that translating to my Candice- meant the world to me.

it was simply an amazing experience that i can't get out of my head. and it feels inspiring. Inspiring to be brave, and to fight, and make a difference.

amazing

No makeup kind of day

No makeup today... No makeup yesterday or the day before... Feels good. Feeling beautiful and confident without my makeup is amazing.

One more step towards self acceptance.

Feeling stronger everyday.