This idea is something I've struggled with my entire life. At 10 years old it was brought to my attention that my body was wrong and that it wasn't ok or acceptable that I didn't look like the other girls my age.
I went on my first diet in 6th grade. I was on a diet pretty much constantly until I was 22. At around 25 I entered treatment for an eating disorder and became enlightened to the fact that I had had an eating disorder most of my life. I vowed to beat it and never look back.
That's impossible.
4 years later I still struggle everyday. I day dream about starvation and compulsive exercise. I count calories subconsciously and have disgust for my body most days. Thankfully I have learned too much to fully engage in eating disorder behaviors most days- but the thoughts are always there.
They only got worse after having a baby. Charlie is the greatest gift I've ever received- but the pressure for perfection is even stronger now. But with age & experience- comes new perspective.
I have a love hate relationship with my body. It loves me & most days- I hate it.
I treat my body terribly. I have most of my life. I've starved it, taken laxatives, physically beat it, cut it, and more. I've talked bad about it & had disgust for it for as long as I can remember. Never once has it failed me. I've let it down multiple times- but it has never let me down. My body isn't perfect & I don't love the way it looks- but it's strong as hell. It's survived years of an eating disorder, years of self harm, fertility treatment, and pregnancy. It never once faltered. It's time for me to be gentler to it. It's time to treat it right- build it & make it stronger so it can relax a little. It doesn't deserve to work so hard while I tear it down. The first 30 years have been far from easy- and I'm sure the next 30+ won't be either.
I don't need to look like the other girls- in fact- I don't want to. I need to learn self love. To practice the things I preach. To take my own advice- and love the skin I'm in.
Our bodies take such good care of us- and most of the time we repay them by tearing them down, trying to change them & mold them into what we think they should be. Instead of embracing them for exactly what they are. I'm trying to do that.
I want to exercise & get stronger- but not to change my body- or hurt it. To make it stronger- so it can take a well deserved break. It's carried me through hell & back- being gentler to it & taking care of it is the least I can do.
