Cry

All I want to do is cry. I want to get a hotel room, by myself & lay in bed all day and cry. 

I hate my body more than ever- and on top of that hate- I feel guilt for hating it. My body brought Charlie to life- yet I still hate it. 

I never want to eat again. 

It's been 2 weeks since my doctors appointment. 2 weeks of working out& trying to be healthy. 

My body hasn't changed at all. In fact- I'm pretty sure I've gained weight. 

It has me broken. All I want to do is cry. 

I don't have anything else to say. 

8weeks

I wish I could say it's gotten easier. 

Charlie is a dream. A pretty much perfect baby- and being a mom is hands down my favorite thing I've ever done. 

But the voices haven't stopped. I'm back on my anxiety medicine- so the voices are quieter- but they are still there. 

I have been eating as intuitively as possible- but am still skipping meals. I want to say it's not intentional- but it probably is. It's so much easier to just not eat. It's not the answer- but it works. And it's even easier with the distraction of a baby. He takes up most of my time- so really- when do I have time to eat. 

At my 6 week doctors appointment she told me that I had lost a third of the weight I gained. Everyone is telling me how great that is. But in my head- guessing what I gained- I really only lost the weight of Charlie. So I don't feel like I've accomplished anything. 

She told me to walk. Try and do 5,000 steps a day. Naturally I am trying to do 10,000. I bought an eliptical, dance and walk while holding the baby and make as many trips as I can while doing all chores.  I hang up each item and put them in my closet one at a time. Just to take more steps. 

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little obsessed. But I think I've balanced that voice a little bit (the obsessive one) 

I've allowed myself to not reach my goal. But it feels like shit when I don't. 

This process is gonna be a lot. 

Relapse still looks like the better option.