Id be lying if I said the past 5 weeks have been easy. And I'm not talking just about taking care of a baby. That part is hard- but nothing compared to the voices in my head that have pushed me to the edge of relapse.
Everyday I have to remind myself to eat- because it is SO easy to forget right now- and most days I would like to forget a meal or two. Maybe then the weight would be gone- and I could stop obsessing about my body.
I know that's not the answer. But it seems really nice some days. Most days.
I don't know what I weigh- or how much weight I gained while pregnant. I haven't known my weight for over 3 years. What I do know is that my clothes don't fit. And that I feel super out of shape.
Every time I try & talk about this and my feelings- I get told "it's only been a month" or "you look great" etc etc. while I appreciate the compliments, they really don't mean anything. It's mostly people saying what they think they should say. It's just like how everyone says "I can't even tell you're pregnant" when you are 8 months pregnant and huge.
People say those things to be nice. Because they think they should say them, and while the sentiment in sweet- it would probably be better to say nothing.
Why would it be better to say nothing?
Because I know you are lying. And when people lie to me- especially about my body or my mental health- it makes me feel really sick- and like a burden. It actually makes me feel worse. About everything. And it makes me want to never open up again.
It's gonna be a battle- like everything else for the past 3 years. And honestly- I'm tired of fighting. So giving in & relapsing- doesn't sound so bad. Like just stop eating for awhile- lose the weight- get my body back- and then work on recovery... Again. I've done it before- I can do it again... Right?
There is a sick comfort in these thoughts. They feel safe. They feel like home.
