On repeat. Over and over in my brain. Get it to together. Stop being a little bitch.
Feel blessed. Others have it harder. Your life is amazing.
Over and over.
Yet it doesn't silence the thoughts. Doesn't stop them from being chaotic. Those words become white noise in the background of the racing thoughts that have become the soundtrack of my life.
And maybe that's where they belong. They aren't nice thoughts. They don't help in the slightest. When someone else says them to me, I find it rude. So why should I say them to myself?
I've learned from years of therapy and through treatment that thoughts like that aren't productive, yet I can't shut them up.
I'm a shell of who I used to be. Going through the motions out of necessity. I want myself back. I'm trying. So hard. So hard it hurts...harder than anyone knows.
I don't talk, because I see no point. No one honestly wants to know the thoughts I am thinking. They aren't pretty thoughts, and all they do is remind you how broken I am.
Sharing them just makes me feel like even more of a disappointment. Please try and understand my silence.
I will be fine...someday. I just don't know when.
I'm not defeated, just exhausted from fighting.
