next time will be my time. scratch that... next time will be OUR time. Next cycle. this month is ours. May will be our month. may will be our month.
maybe if i say it over and over again, i will believe it and it will be true. maybe. just maybe.
two cycles of clomid w/intercourse- nothing.
one cycle of clomid w/IUI - nothing
doesn't sound of seem like much when it is spelled out like that. but each of those represent a month, and an incredible heartbreak. every time i get my period- it is like having a miscarriage all over again.
it serves as a very bitter reminder. a reminder that i am broken. That i can't just do what my natural body is supposed to do.
and every time it is so easy to get caught up in how bad it hurts. how bad i want to stop. how i want to give up. how helpless and hopeless i feel.
those thoughts and emotions run through me at 100 times the volume and intensity then the ones that say "it's only been 3 months, and your uterine lining is great, and you are responding super well to the medication, most "normal" couples don't conceive the first 3 months of trying. you are meant to be a mom. you will be a mom. you will get pregnant. keep trying, don't give up, god gave you this hand for a reason." those thoughts are quiet whispers. those are the ones that i need to be turned up to max- the ones i need pounding in my head- yet they always slip... just out of reach.
i eventually pick them up again- and hold on to them. But i don't think i ever fully believe them.
how can i get pregnant if i don't truly believe it will happen?
if i don't have faith in it- then why would it ever happen?
i have always been my worst enemy- and this is no exception. I am great at pumping Camerin up- telling him everything will work out, but i can't seem to get myself to actually fully believe it.
i mean, in my heart i think i do. but there is that part of me- that doubts it. that has always been my weakness. doubt.
i am gonna kick doubts ass.
I AM GOING TO BE A MOM.
i know that i was created to be a mom. i KNOW that god wants me to be a mom. I wouldn't have been made the way i was if that wasn't true.
i need to remind myself of that every single day. and if i believe it- it will happen. i just know it.
